So my bf cds and is upset I - advice?

[Jane GG]

Jill - you are definitely right about not coming to terms. I mean the boy had huge bags of clothes and dresses and panties, but this morning when it all came to light he even said "I don't think I'm even a crossdresser". Today I have been sitting there thinking- whatever! I didn't say that to him- I figured he can come to terms with that himself. I just hope he does. Then maybe I can join the fun! Maybe a part of me wanted to talk about it because I want to be able to have fun with it too. But, alas, I guess I will wait. I really do hate waiting. It helps to be able to talk to you all here though.

[Kimberley]

Bring the rolls? Bake em hon, and decorate them too....:D

Glad it is working out. Be diligent and you will be just as good with this as he will. What a relationship you will have!!


Kimberley

Oh, and that bag of clothes? Launder, press and hang them up. (That will speak volumes)

[Bethanygirl]

Well girl, I guess I should be the one to go against the grain here. I agree with what everyone has been saying about his embarrassment and confusion, but disagree with them about how to handle it. If you are strong enough, then I think what you should do is force the issue. Dress him, help him get as feminine and passable as it is possible given his looks. Insist on it, use sexual interest to do so if neccessary, turn him on and he will do it even if he keeps saying no, then get him looking as nice as possible. Then reward him by showing how much you like what you see by whatever way you feel you can. He needs to get over his guilt, and doing this for him will convince him you are better than ok with it. He cannot leave this alone, it will always be part of his, and if you stay with him, your lives. Make sure it is a GOOD part! I wish you luck dear no matter how you end up dealing with it...

[Jane GG]

Oh, and that bag of clothes? Launder, press and hang them up. (That will speak volumes)

Love it!

[Sheila]

Well he came back on im after several hours with a "work reason" for the delay. we talked a litlte bit- mundane stuff like what's for dinner and his car needs gas. I didn't bring it up at all. I have to admit I am smarting a little bit about it myself- not because of the cd, but because I feel kind of alone myself. A bit like a slap in the face that it seems perfectly normal to me, but even though I support him I am getting shut out, as though I did something wrong. I then feel terrible because I feel like that is so incredibly selfish of me since it sounds like he is having an extremely difficult time. As far as society- to me it is just a double standard - anyone can wear pants, so why can't anyone wear skirts? Besides maybe he has some cute ones I can wear! I feel like I can't win here. He wants me to call on my way home from work, which is now, but I kind of want to just have a good cry on the way home because I feel like I can't make him feel okay. I want share it with him, but I feel like he is upset with me about it. grrr... boys can be so difficult! (even if they do wear skirts)

Chloe,

You sound exactly like I did 5 months agowhen I found out about my partner cding

even though I support him I am getting shut out,

and it took him nearly 3 weeks to get him to talk even a little to me, I asked him loads of Question, went online and discovered a few sites , this being one of them and he hated me doing it ----- he thought I would be put off by cd sites (yup some of them are nasty ------ this isn't) eventually he joined here and bit by little bit we talked, then there would be more silences, then I would feel shut out and wondered what the F**k was going to happen next, but thankfully with the support of the peeps here we have made it thus far.

He just wouln't talk to me I felt alone, hurt and confused, then about 6 weeks ago we met with another cdr and her SO, two sets of complete strangers ---- apart from having chatted on the forum ---- and guess what he sang like a bleeding angel, he was so open, relaxed and carefree it was unbelievable, ---- when I asked him later on that night why he could be so open in front of strangers but found it so difficult to talk to me, he said, that it was because he didn't have to explain himself -- if he got it slightly wrong the other CDR knew what he meant ------ he didn't have to dot the I's and cross the T's to explain himself and that made sense.

He had also said in the beginning when we talked that it took him time to get his head round the fact that somebody else knew about his dressing, that he wasn't alone, in fact he actually said that in the beginning because I was so supportive of him --------- I just kept going out and bringing things home for him to wear ------ that he felt like I was forcing him to dress and until he got his head round the fact that, I knew and really didn't see it as a big deal (cos I think we are meant to screan all sorts of abuse at em:D and if we don't it confuses em )-- seriously they gear themselves up to anybody finding out and world war 3 is going to break loose, when it dosen't they spend time wondering why instead of talking to us, --- the same as some GG's need time and space when they first find out, so do some cdr's when they are first discovered, hang in there hun just carry on as you would normally.

Hope to see you in the GG section real soon

Jess

[Jill]

I am going to stick with everything that I said, however, I think that if you want to continue to test the waters and try to move it forward, it might be a good idea to buy him some clothes, he would secretly love it. So maybe go out and get him some hose with back seams and a nice victoria's secret bra. I really do believe that even though he hasn't come to grips with himself, he will secretly love it if you do that.

[Sheila]

I agree with what everyone has been saying about his embarrassment and confusion, but disagree with them about how to handle it. If you are strong enough, then I think what you should do is force the issue. Dress him, help him get as feminine and passable as it is possible given his looks. Insist on it, use sexual interest to do so if neccessary, turn him on and he will do it even if he keeps saying no, then get him looking as nice as possible.

Sorry Bethanygirl
Not all CDR's want that, so I have to disagree, mine needed to find his own comfort level with somebody else knowing, and nobody should ever be forced into doing something they are obviously uncomfortable with. Do that and things could go badly wrong

Jess

[Jane GG]

I think I will just give him a little time to absorb it all that I know. I know him and when something happens he likes to take some time and just think about it. Maybe in a week or so, I will try to come back to it a little by doing some things - like getting him something. He is one that if you push too hard he just completely shuts down. I said today I would give him some time and I think I need to stick with that for a while or what I said doesn't really amount to much- then can he really feel like if I didn't mean it when I said that, do I mean it when I say it is ok?

I'm just so glad I found this site!

[Bethanygirl]

Sorry Bethanygirl
Not all CDR's want that, so I have to disagree, mine needed to find his own comfort level with somebody else knowing, and nobody should ever be forced into doing something they are obviously uncomfortable with. Do that and things could go badly wrong

Jess

Interesting, lets hear from some of the cd's on this...
I hope you do not imagine I was suggesting she be indomitable about this, I meant she should lead him into the situation in which she could show him her ability to appreciate his needs. When I said 'force' I was in reference to 'forcing' the issue, not 'forcing' him.

Anyway, as I said, I hope it all works out for the best no matter what happens.

[Sweet Susan]

Chloe,
With your attitude, this could be a very exciting time for both of you. I suggest taking him with you when you go Christmas shopping and look at women's clothes together. I also recommend buying him something. Talk to him about how you think such and such might look good on him. Try to accelerate his comfort level without intruding on it, if possible. He is in shock right now. The best thing for shock, is more shock, but the good kind, the acceptance kind. Rent a crossdressing movie and watch it with him. Doe he have a good body? If so, recommend sexy clothes for him. I'd urge him to step on out there and learn more. You know, a wig for Christmas could be fun!

[Kimberley]

Sorry Bethanygirl
Not all CDR's want that, so I have to disagree, mine needed to find his own comfort level with somebody else knowing, and nobody should ever be forced into doing something they are obviously uncomfortable with. Do that and things could go badly wrong

Jess

***************
Jess, you are on the money here. A lot of confusion and mixed feelings. Go shopping but do it down the road and with him. But wait until the lines of communication are open again.

[janelle]

With X-mas coming Hun buy him/her a nice gift. Something soft & frilly & of course sexy. If you think she would be mad just say Santa left it. Good luck dear, keep us all posted. You both have many friends here as this is one big family.
Janelle

[AmandaM]

I agree. Take him shopping. You could ask him to help you find clothes. You need his advice. Say please, pretty please and smile at him. Then, when out. If you think it feels right, ask him if he wants something.

OR, you could tell him that you have been fantasizing about him in lingerie lying in the bed, waiting for you, and then you approach, and then he.... Just Kidding!

[Calliope]

Id take him shopping if he wanted.

I'm sure there's probably a few dozen gals here who'd love to take up that offer.

Just kidding!

Give 'em a week or two and, chances are, he'll be yakking nonstop about CDing.

[Debra Lynn]

Okay, I'm going to take a little different slant on things, but first, congradulations on being so open and accepting, lots of us would like to have our SO be that way. He mentioned that he was not sure he was a cross dresser at all, and you have said he is just interested in the clothes. It could be that he has a fetish for womens clothing, which a lot of cross dressers do. The dividing line between a fetish and cross dressing seems to be in whether it is a single piece of clothing (just stockings, just garters and stockings, just panties, just high heels) as opposed to all types of clothing (dressing to some extent, such as panties, bra, garter and stockings, or adding a slip and a dress, etc). I completely agree that this has really blown his mind to be caught, and if he is having problems coming to terms with it, then he needs reassurance. He may feel that he is very much male and the thought of you "helping" him to dress would be a roundabout way of turning him into something he really doesn't want to be (really female.) This is something that he has to figure out for himself (self-identity) and it may change as the years pass. I would really caution against pushing it (taking him clothes shopping for herself) but think that having him along to make suggestions about clothing for you is a great idea (many cd's would love to help thier SO shop for clothes). But I really think you need to let him lead on just how far to go, continue to be supportive of him (I reallly liked the idea about pressing and hanging the clothes, WOW) and reinforce his masculine side because right now he is scared because his secret shame is out for the most important person in the world to know and he may really not want to be your gf as much as he wants to be your BF first and foremost. I really wish the two of you much happiness and success. Speaking for myself, I really didn't understand why I wanted to dress for losts of years and the shame (fostered by society at large) was a hard thing to overcome.

[RobynG]

Make it a romantic adventure,dress yourself up and ask him to join you. It will help to build your trust in each other. And who knows what could happen after that. Just make sure that you don't pressure him into doing it. Maybe he feels more comfortable in his own closet. Hope everything works out

Robyn

[Jennaie]

There are several good ideas presented to you here. I think that you are the only person who really knows how to best handle this. As crossdressers, we are very diversified in our desires, so no single one answer is going to be the catch-all for your situation.

There is only one piece of advice that I would offer, if you do get him to dress in front of you, be supportive. Whatever you do, DO NOT LAUGH! DO NOT MAKE A JOKE OF IT! and by all means don't say, (someday we will look back on this and laugh).

I never discuss my dressing with my girlfriend because of this very thing. As a matter of fact, she believes that I no longer dress.

Talk about sending someone into their shell! Forever.

[Michelia]

Please just give him time. DO NOT PUSH.

At this point no one really knows what is going on in HIS head. He could be shy or just not ready. He could be in denial. He could be feeling a lot more girly than he lets on and afraid of talking to you because he might lose you. He might not accept himself. He may see himself as some pervert and now see you as one too because what kind of crazy girl would want me like this?

Just let him know you are OK with it. Learn all you can from this site. There is a lot of material here. This way you will be better prepared for whatever comes next...you never know!

Sometimes no matter how supportive you may be, he may not believe it. I think I have the most understanding and awesome SO, but I still sometimes doubt when she says she is OK with this or that, even though we have a history of being very straight with each other. Sometimes I get very insecure as to whether one day she will leave me because of my CDing. I know it is not rational, but I cannot help it.

And yes - do not make fun. My SO never has, but one day she did say I would never know what a being a real woman feels like. This is very obvious and I am keenly aware of it, but she did not have to say it. It was mean. But she really did not know better at the time. She would never say it now.

Good luck. With your attitude I think it will all be OK maybe even fantastic. Hopefully it will all end wonderfully!

Michelia

Michelia

[kerrianna]

Chloe Jane, I'm glad you have been able to get a lot of support and feedback here, some of it contradictory, which is the nature of a gathering such as this.

I think you have the best idea of how to handle this - you know your man better than us. I agree with the thought of giving him his own time and space to deal with it. He probably has been keeping this seperated from his relationship with you for a long time and was comfortable with that - your discovery has changed that comfort zone for him, so now he's trying to figure out what that might mean. Give him time, acceptance and space and he'll likely come to see that this might work out pretty good for him. He probably never thought it would and hasn't travelled there in his mind so it's a new thing for him - and if he has been feeling guilty and ashamed privately that won't go away just because you support him. He needs to find his own acceptance of his desire/fetish/hobby - whatever he wants to call it.

So go slow with him (sounds like you already are), try not to make it a big thing, even if you want to explore it with him more - he will when he's ready. Hopefully he'll see that it's nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't have to MEAN ANYTHING (ie. "I'm gay" I'm bi" "I want to be a girl" "I'm sick" etc.). It is different for everyone.

And A LOT of people are doing it, as the popularity of this forum and the increasing pop culture and advertising references show.

Good luck. I hope your man realizes he's got it maid in the shade with you.

[MandyTX83]

I am going to have to agree with what a lot of people have said, Give him time and be supportive. I know for myself since I started dressing in my sister's clothes when she left for college (i guess i was about 12) I was not sure what it meant and did not to grips with it myself. If somebody had asked me about it, I would not have known what to say and would not want to be the uncomfortable situation of being around somebody who knows about my dressing even if they are supportive because I had not come to grips with it in my own mind. I have only within the last year let myself be my truly girly self which is great for me and puts a giant smile on my face when I think about it. I am still closteted since nobody I am close to has any idea anything about me and any way of talking to me about it. My mother recently guessed at it and I did not deny it and had a long talk with her about what I liked and what the experience of dressing is in my mind, but I can't describe it to her since she is not me and doesn't understand my perspective. She has said that she is ok with it and now I don't feel I have to be as secretive with it and that makes me feel better and will open the lines of communication more. The important thing for us to understand each other is to give the room the other needs to take so that they can be comfortable. I think there are a lot of people here that are that way and need comfort and understanding without having people trying to force us talk about something we may not be ready for. You are an amazing woman and could not be better for a man like us, I hope he will come to grips with himself and include you with everything he wants to do and maybe someday get in his best pair of heels and his little black dress and ask you to make him the happiest person ever by sharing your life with him... (i think of thought this situation out a little too much, but I tend to do that). I hope you both end up having the greatest time with each other and can become comfortable with who you are enough that you are not afraid of somebody else seeing/knowing it. Good luck and we are all cheer for you both.

[Bonnie D]

Going slow seems to be the consensus, however, it doesn't seem like you can wait very long for him to come out and at least talk about it. Forcing the issue may close him up and it may not. I'm afraid he might purge everything and go into complete denial without talking to you first. Then there goes a lot of clothes and money out the window, which is not a major issue but something to be considered. Eventually, he may come out to you and become accepting of himself and then the shopping will begin, and will probably get out of control trying to play catch up.

None of what I'm saying could possibly be of much help so here's my two cents is; Get as much information as you can, here is a great place, join the GG forum too but I think you have to wait until you've written a minimum number of posts (see Tamara). Then continue to try to talk to him and see how he reacts. Back off if it's not good and try again later, if it's okay then go a little further. Make sure he doesn't throw everything out. If he goes into denial he should lock it all away somewhere (ex. storage locker). Then just be patient. Oh yes, one more thing. Send him here so we can knock him upside the head. What's he thinking, he has someone like you and he won't talk to you????

Bonnie

[Shannon CD]

Okay, who all here is now in love with Chloe Jane?

I know I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.

Chloe Jane, I can't believe how you have been able to make me feel so much better about myself in the few posts you have made than I have felt in quite some time. And that is saying alot, since everyone here has been boosting my confidence over the last 2 months.

Stick with him. He'll come around. He may never feel comfortable about sharing it with you, but remember that it is only part of who he is. Who you fell in love with is still there. No matter how open a person is, every one of us have things that we keep personal and private. This may be his.

Good luck to you.

[Rachel Morley]

I think you're doing just fine. Keep him talking and understand that (if he's anything like me) this has been his most deepest secret in the whole wide world, something he promised himself he would never ever tell anyone because of the ramifications involved. When it's been buried that deep, and then it suddenly comes out in the open, it's not easy to talk about, especially the personal stuff.

Stick with it and good luck.

[Holly]

Chloe Jane, you've received a lot of good advice. Your b/f really needs to come to terms with himself. He's a cross dresser, no matter if it's panties once a year or fully dressed everyday. We come in lots of different flavors! Admitting is hard. Everything we have heard all of our lives tells is that it is the wrong thing to do. The problem is that nobody can say WHY it is wrong. The reason? It isn't! What cross dressing is, is misunderstood! Those of us who participate in it are not perverts, not deviants, not criminals. We're your banker, your mechanic, your neighbor, your kids teacher, your pastor, your grocer, well, you get the idea.

I think it's wonderful that you want to support him. I understand his reluctance to include you... he's afraid of the rejection that he been conditioned to expect. His self esteem is low because what he loves to do just can't be "right." Here's a few ideas that you might try...

• Buy him a cute nightie. Maybe something similar to what he has seen you wear (or something you'd like to see him in :D).
• Get him something girlie. It doesn't have to be something big... a tube of lipstick, some cologne, a fancy pair of hose, etc.
• Look through a woman's clothing catalog and ask his opinion on different articles of clothing (do you like this skirt, do you think these shoes are cute, etc).

As he becomes more comfortable talking to you, reassure him that it's okay. Maybe plan a dress-up day for just the two of you.

At the same time, you need to assess your own acceptance level. You will need to set boundaries that fit your needs as well. We CDer's tend to go overboard if we think we've got the green light. Any activity carried to an extreme, can be upsetting to the other partner. You will need to be the voice of reason.

I have high hopes for the two of you. Thanks for being a part of our community.

[michelleliz]

It's Christmas Buy him a new outfit< But give it to him when NO one is around Then let him open it alone. So he won't be embaresed

Michelle LIz