Interview with a Husband

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MandyGG

Oh how I wish he would have known of places like this one to come to for help and support.

---

I'm speaking for myself, however I'm sure this applies to most everyone: when I'm hell-bent on experiencing something, there is nothing anyone can say that will dissuade me. This would be especially true of sexual experiences. People tend to see other people's experiences/advice as not applying to themselves ... until they've actually come to the same conclusions by trying it for themselves.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MandyGG

I hope that someone who has also had this experience can step up with their story too. I would love to hear it.

---

This was my SO's experience as well, years before he met me. I won't provide the details since this would be up to my SO. And in all the threads we've had about "would you date a guy when dressed", there are many people who respond in the affirmative, but who don't share actual experiences to back this up, which leads me to believe they are still very much at the fantasy stage. Several do say they've been with men but confirm they're either bi or gay, and the hetero CDers who have tried it have the same experiences as your SO and mine. And we also have the fantasy element in many posts: the people who say they've done something when there is a question as to whether they really did or not. This forum is, after all, a place where many members come to play.

Mandy,

I can't thank you enough for posting this thread! I sent it to my SO on his email so he would be sure and read it since he's questioning his sexual identity as a CD. Since he hardly comes here anymore I wanted to be sure he read it. It was VERY insightful and useful. Again, thanks!

I will share something personal on this. It may be harsh, but I work with a few gay men who make wonderful coworkers! Every guy/girl thinks about being with the same sex one time or another. Its how you find out if you like it or not. For the personal part, I have experimented with toys and things in a past relationship where I was treated like a woman while dressed. Every way. This was with a woman. I find the thought of being with a man repulsive. No problems with gay men as friends, but like I tell the guys at work "man, just don't hit on me," as most will make jokes every now and then about me being tall and handsome. For example, I hate coconut. On anything. I wanted to try it, and only took a little piece. Still hated it, put it down and haven't touched it since. My worry is this. Men begin to get aroused at contact while women take a while longer. If he wasn't interested, he should of known when they began kissing. Before going there. Then if he hated it so much, why go back again? He says because no woman wanted him....yet....depression doesn't force you to do that. You lower your standards. You pursue harder. You do something until you meet someone. Switching up sexes because of a breakup? Never heard of it, and will never believe it. Deeper issue at work here.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Badtranny

Men who have sex with other men and think they're still straight as long as one of them is wearing a wig and lipstick are simply delusional. It's the only way they can rationalize their desire for some intimate male companionship.

---

I agree with the above statement, sex with a man is sex with man - straight? I think not.

Thank you very much for posting. I could see how that would be hard to do. I have read some threads about that topic before & always wondered what was going on in the Cders head. I must not have enough Cder genes in me, as I still think about women when dressed, never men. I don't think I could even do E-Mails or calls in that context. I would be too grossed out. I remember feeling disgusted when I was out dressed during Halloween & a guy was looking at me in creepy way. It made me feel extra vulnerable & a bit queasy.

If you don't mind me asking, how many times did he do it before he decided he didn't like it? Did he try other things with guys in person before doing that? I just can't wrap my mind around going from E-Mails & calls to jumping in bed with another guy. Most guys know how other guys think & how insensitive or worse they can be. I can totally understand the toy part & wanting it to wielded by someone else. Did he 1st try to find a woman who would be down for doing that with him? It seems odd that he doesn't understand it's not that act that defines what your sexuality is, but who you do the act with.

He said he likes women much more. Does or has he checked out/looked at men before or only women? I believe in the Dr Lector theory: we covet what we see. I'm only attracted to women & my favorite body part is the posterior & legs. I tend to glance (I've trained myself not to stare) at a lot of them & oddly enough now shoes and even bags lol. I've never looked at the male ones though. Fantasies (which freaked me out a lot before I took a human sexuality class in jr collage & learned that homoerotic dreams are 100% normal for guys) aside, I don't even think about other guys except family members, friends or idols like band members. Has he never thought about Lesbians & what they do when dressed? What type of p0rn, if any, is he into? Since catching the Cder bug fairly recently, thoughts of Lesbianism have taken up a lot of my fantasy spare time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wrenchette2

I can't thank you enough for posting this thread! I sent it to my SO on his email so he would be sure and read it since he's questioning his sexual identity as a CD. Since he hardly comes here anymore I wanted to be sure he read it. It was VERY insightful and useful. Again, thanks!

---

You are welcome! I hope he finds it useful!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jessica86

Then if he hated it so much, why go back again? He says because no woman wanted him....yet....depression doesn't force you to do that. You lower your standards. You pursue harder. You do something until you meet someone. Switching up sexes because of a breakup? Never heard of it, and will never believe it. Deeper issue at work here.

---

While I agree with you for the most part, in the fact that gay is gay, bi is bi, straight is straight, but imagine how you would feel at 40. You reach "middle age" and still cannot find a woman that loves you. He would go on dates, but never get a call back for a second. He had little to no self esteem. He didn't do it because of a break up. He was never with anyone to use that excuse. He hadn't had sex with a woman in 5 years, with that sex just being out of loneliness on HER part. It had been 5 years before that. So, 10 years and only having sex a handful of times with one woman that wasn't even committed or interested in developing a relationship. By that point, you start to question everything that you had done until then. "Maybe there is a reason that women don't want to be with me?" Then you throw crossdresser and the stigmata behind that in the mix. And don't forget the fantasies that are rampaging his brain. It would have never happened had he met a woman, married, had children.... he had none of it.

Why he tried again? To see if the others that had promised what he was after (being treated like a woman) would fulfill that fantasy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Clueless

If you don't mind me asking, how many times did he do it before he decided he didn't like it? Did he try other things with guys in person before doing that?.......Did he 1st try to find a woman who would be down for doing that with him? It seems odd that he doesn't understand it's not that act that defines what your sexuality is, but who you do the act with.........He said he likes women much more. Does or has he checked out/looked at men before or only women? ..............Has he never thought about Lesbians & what they do when dressed? What type of p0rn, if any, is he into? Since catching the Cder bug fairly recently, thoughts of Lesbianism have taken up a lot of my fantasy spare time.

---

He tried it a total of 5 times. He never tried anything with men before the 1st, and by that point his brain was committed to going through with it. He is not a typical guy. He doesn't watch porn. He doesn't think that sex should be rough and hard with a woman. He doesn't "think" like other men to know how most men "think" about sex.

He couldn't even find a woman that wasn't down to kinky sex, let alone someone who was. Take into consideration that he was, at the time, a non religious person living in Mormon town of Salt Lake City, UT. Mormon women are everywhere, but only dated Mormon men. The few he found that were not Mormons, he would try to ask out and be rejected.

His fantasy of "being a lesbian" was his ultimate fantasy! It was so much of a bigger one than that of being with a man as a straight woman! He would have loved to have found a woman that would do it with him and experience it.

He only "checked out" women. He doesn't find men attractive enough to lust after them. He said that he knows when another man is good looking, like when I say another woman is hot, but neither of us sexually desire them.

Hi Mandy,

Thanks for this wonderful and enlightening post.Having been a CD for the past 37 years, I asked myself that question more than once. But fortunately I discovered that it wasn't sex from a man I wanted, it was acceptance of my "feminine" side and "being treated like a lady". Our society has been so overly sexualized that we blur the lines between intimacy and physicality. I found that what I really wanted was to be loved, not made love to.

I have had sexual relations with men both drab (first) and dressed. I as well discovered that there was absolutely NO difference in the experience for me. The sex was almost identical. My being dressed I discovered, wasn't for my benefit, but more for the man that was rationalizing his homosexuality by having sex with a "dude in a dress". If you are bisexual or homosexual, your outer appearance has no bearing in your sexuality.

In contrast, I have been married 3 times. My first wife and I used to dress together in matching lingerie (unfortunately our dressing never progressed beyond that) and it was a warm and loving relationship. She passed away, and my second wife also knew about my dressing, but would not acknowledge or participate in it. She was bisexual, and decided that she preferred to be with a GG and not a CD so we divorced after 11 years.

My current wife does not know about "Dee". She is legally blind and in 2009 I almost lost her due to some psychological and medication related issues. Due to her dual diagnosis and mental state, it isn't beneficial to her condition for me to "come out" to her. So Dee remains in the closet. Her psychological state and mental health is more important to me.

We moved from the mid west to southwest Louisiana last year. I had a GG girlfriend who I dressed with in Arkansas. I had the "best of both worlds" and wasn't Hanna Montana, LoL. But she wound up getting a boyfriend and our play stopped. So I purged and lost everything again. So here I am, once again a "broke azzed girl" who doesn't even have a pair of heels or panties.

I found an ad for a "CD" on Craigslist (yes I know that was stupid) and I agreed to meet with her. When I got there, I found a "dude in a dress" who only had 1 dress, a Party City wig, no makeup, gaudy lipstick, fishnet stockings he had "made crotch-less" and nothing else. He didn't even have a fem name. I was so disappointed. I was looking for a CD GF and he was a gay guy in a dress.

Sorry I rambled, and thanks for letting me vent. Love you all.

Thank you for sharing. I feel the same as your husband that I do want to dress and be with a man but also have very mixed emotions about it as i do still like to be with women.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeeDee4U

Hi Mandy,

Thanks for this wonderful and enlightening post.Having been a CD for the past 37 years, I asked myself that question more than once. But fortunately I discovered that it wasn't sex from a man I wanted, it was acceptance of my "feminine" side and "being treated like a lady". Our society has been so overly sexualized that we blur the lines between intimacy and physicality. I found that what I really wanted was to be loved, not made love to.

---

I have been wanting to respond to this post since it was put up. I just couldn't figure out how to word what I was feeling. Thanks you DeeDee for saying it for me...............

DeeDee and Katie, oh how I wish he would have realized that was what he needed beforehand. I am sure he does too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jessica86

Every guy/girl thinks about being with the same sex one time or another.

---

I don't think this is true at all. It's entirely possible that some people never question their sexuality.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MandyGG

DeeDee and Katie, oh how I wish he would have realized that was what he needed beforehand. I am sure he does too.

---

Mandy I feel like you're apologizing for your guy getting his freak on a few years ago. Please don't. There is nothing wrong with experimenting and in fact there would be nothing wrong with him being bisexual. One of my dearest friends is currently married to a guy in England (she's a GG) who she loves very much and he feels the same about her. Well, this girl had been in a committed lesbian relationship back in the '90s and her now husband had also played the field (both fields) many years ago. Today they are an adorable couple. Neither of them feel the need to apologize for who they are or were.

Your guy got his groove on and he didn't particularly care for it, big deal. It isn't a scarlet letter or something he needs to recover from, ...or hide from.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jessica86

Every guy/girl thinks about being with the same sex one time or another. Its how you find out if you like it or not.

---

I totally agree with Melissa. This may be true for a few, but believe me there are many people who know they aren't turned on by same-sex, they don't even wonder about it, and they're not posturing. It's a reptilian-brain (instinctual) thing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jessica86

Switching up sexes because of a breakup? Never heard of it, and will never believe it. Deeper issue at work here.

---

You underestimate the individual's strength of libido and the power and allure of a MtF who wishes to feel feminine sexually. Everything is a gradient, a spectrum, and some M2Fs feel this more powerfully than others.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeeDee4U

I discovered that it wasn't sex from a man I wanted, it was acceptance of my "feminine" side and "being treated like a lady". Our society has been so overly sexualized that we blur the lines between intimacy and physicality. I found that what I really wanted was to be loved, not made love to.

---

We had a long, serious discussion about this in a thread years ago and the conclusion was, the ideal for a hetero CDer is to genuinely feel loved for who she is by a GG, in other words, find a GG who does appreciate her feminine self in bed (as opposed to an open-minded GG who sees him as a guy in a dress). The mind-switch this involves for a hetero GG is difficult, since she has to redefine both their roles in her relationship, and that's assuming she is receptive to the idea to begin with. This process can take time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeeDee4U

I have had sexual relations with men both drab (first) and dressed. I as well discovered that there was absolutely NO difference in the experience for me. The sex was almost identical. My being dressed I discovered, wasn't for my benefit, but more for the man that was rationalizing his homosexuality by having sex with a "dude in a dress". If you are bisexual or homosexual, your outer appearance has no bearing in your sexuality.

---

I'm quoting this to emphasize it, since this is yet another truth from someone who has actually experienced it, that is seldom said around here. :hugs:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Badtranny

Mandy I feel like you're apologizing for your guy getting his freak on a few years ago. Please don't. There is nothing wrong with experimenting and in fact there would be nothing wrong with him being bisexual. One of my dearest friends is currently married to a guy in England (she's a GG) who she loves very much and he feels the same about her. Well, this girl had been in a committed lesbian relationship back in the '90s and her now husband had also played the field (both fields) many years ago. Today they are an adorable couple. Neither of them feel the need to apologize for who they are or were.

Your guy got his groove on and he didn't particularly care for it, big deal. It isn't a scarlet letter or something he needs to recover from, ...or hide from.

---

You are right. I guess I am apologizing for something that I totally shouldn't be. I have always been a bit too protective of him. We have no hard feelings about his past. I am 100% sure of him wanting to be with me only and he is content with us. That is all I need.

Interesting thread. I agree that if you have a male part and your sex partner has a male part it is plain and simple gay sex regardless of what either may be wearing. "Not that there is anything wrong with that"

Hi Mandy!

First off, you already know this but, you are an amazing person. Not because of how much love you have for your husband no matter what but because you are a person who holds a tremendous amount of understanding of things with life in general. You may or may not be a spiritual person but coming from someone who is spiritual (not religious), you are very spiritually evolved to have that level of understanding. :)

Thank you to you and your husband for posting your thread. It is something a lot need to read and think about as I read so many posts from CD's here who I can see clearly get lost in the pink cloud and act upon those feelings. I have gone through almost exactly what your husband did but I never experimented. The same feelings of wanting to experience sex as a woman, as in like your husband said, what it would be like if I had a vagina were very strong in my 20's and after 15 years of not dressing, it was the biggest fear I had after a TS friend of mine suggested I try dressing again to figure it out. I was afraid those feelings would come back as they only appeared when I dressed.

They did at first but being in a very centered place mentally due to working on every other aspect of my life before dressing again, I figured out what it was. The thoughts/fantasies of it are actually hetero for CD's like me. When dressed, at least for me, I figured out that I was presenting as a woman, feeling like a woman and most importantly, thinking like one thus the thoughts of it are of a hetero thought process. In my 20's I did not have the internet yet so I did not have the avenue to explore it as a reality and who knows if I would have actually tried if I did. It was very confusing especially because I did not have resources like this site to learn from at the time, not to mention I have no physical attraction to men whatsoever. The fantasies for me included the 'faceless man' because of that lack of physical attraction to to the male image. It was more of thinking about the 'mid section' of a male.

This is a confusing, scary place to be for CD's when they get to this point and extreme caution should be considered, especially when it comes to the CD's own thought process behind it. For me, these thoughts have decreased almost into non-existent at this point as has dressing for the most part but that has come due to some heave sole searching and looking within to figure out what dressing was all about through my life.

As is the case with your husband, with all things in life, one of the most important things I have learned is "sometimes we have to be who we are not to realize who we really are". It's not a bad thing to explore and find out you don't like something and it's not worth feeling bad about with such found knowledge as in everything is a lesson, an opportunity to discover and learn who you really are. :)

Mandy

This is quite possibly one of the bravest threads I have seen on these boards. You and your partner allowed us to read personal details about yourselves and your lives not for your own benefit but for the benefit of everyone else. Personally I believe the benefit we have gained from this frank insight is considerable.

Audreys actions were what they were. She regrets them clearly and your love and understanding has helped her to shed most of the guilt that she harboured over them, otherwise she would not have either told you about them nor would she have concented to them being recounted here. Audrey's explanation of her actions provide not only insight but instruction. I believe that it is highly likely that in the depths of extremely low self worth anyone can be seduced by false words into physical intimacy that they later regret. In many ways I suspect GG's may even perhaps understand this more so than even TG's. Fuelled by AGP I think it is not unimaginable that a heterosexual CD in such a state could participate in homosexual intimacy.

I am sorry that Audrey was preyed upon by those selfish individuals. They exploited Audrey for their own personal gain. Unfortunately such exploitation is all to common in both homo and heterosexual encounters.

I hope you can continue to love and heal each other.

Thank you for sharing this Mandy. It was very helpful. You are very helpful. :) (Love the bluebird by the way!)

Thank you Mandy for putting to rest any thought I ever had about "experimenting". It doesn't sound appealing to me and I only am attracted to women. But now I know that I would never feel any more like "myself" by doing something that goes against my true desires.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MandyGG

While I agree with you for the most part, in the fact that gay is gay, bi is bi, straight is straight, but imagine how you would feel at 40. You reach "middle age" and still cannot find a woman that loves you. He would go on dates, but never get a call back for a second. He had little to no self esteem. He didn't do it because of a break up. He was never with anyone to use that excuse. He hadn't had sex with a woman in 5 years, with that sex just being out of loneliness on HER part. It had been 5 years before that. So, 10 years and only having sex a handful of times with one woman that wasn't even committed or interested in developing a relationship. By that point, you start to question everything that you had done until then. "Maybe there is a reason that women don't want to be with me?" Then you throw crossdresser and the stigmata behind that in the mix. And don't forget the fantasies that are rampaging his brain. It would have never happened had he met a woman, married, had children.... he had none of it.

Why he tried again? To see if the others that had promised what he was after (being treated like a woman) would fulfill that fantasy.

---

I appreciate any kind of feedback, and encourage GGs to post, as we do not hear from them as often as we should. With that said, I did not understand anything that was said in response to me. I had a sexless relationship for ten years. I knew her my whole life, and found out she wasn't a virgin like I was....on our wedding night which was after the ten years we waited together. Imagine how that feels. Waiting all that time. Turns out she decided to blow it just 48 hours before that. It wasn't.....with a guy either. It was with multiple women in a dungeon like bondage deal I won't get into. How does that feel? All of these things did not influence my sexual preference. It doesn't. It can't. Not with time, age, or personal preference. Sexual preference is genetic. Genetics can not be changed.

Jessica,

I am so sorry that happened to you! Maybe in her eyes at the time she thought she was still a virgin because it wasn't with a man. Illogical thinking, I know, but....maybe. I think that it was very noble of you to wait for marriage for so long. Whether she kept her end or not, the bottom line is that you did. You should be very proud of that. I can't put myself in your shoes to know how it feels, because I have never dealt with a situation like it, but I could imagine that it really effin sucked! I am so sorry!

I see what you are saying, but neither of us are in Audrey's head now or at the time that this situation was happening. I wish I had a clearer answer for you about it. I guess, I will just have to take his word that these are his feelings. So, if by chance he is bi-sexual and just not admitting to it, then so be it. I am not going to leave him for it. I would only leave him if he acted on it. He knows that. I do still feel that certain circumstances, sex drive, and loneliness can lead a person to do things that they wouldn't "normally" do. So much of this lifestyle doesn't make sense to me and confuses the hell out of me, but it doesn't keep me from trusting him. I have had my thoughts and issues with it over the last 2 years and they got me nowhere. It was time for me to shed the doubt and take him for his word. I don't know who has the right answer on the situation to say if a straight man can have sex with men and still be considered straight. Many gay men have had sex with women and still consider themselves gay and no bisexual. Isn't that close to the same thing?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Soriya

First off, you already know this but, you are an amazing person. Not because of how much love you have for your husband no matter what but because you are a person who holds a tremendous amount of understanding of things with life in general. You may or may not be a spiritual person but coming from someone who is spiritual (not religious), you are very spiritually evolved to have that level of understanding. :)

---

Thank you for those sweet words! I appreciate them so much! Thank you for sharing your story as well and you are pretty freakin' amazing yourself!

Wow, this is exactly what I have been going through myself!! I have been having those same kind of feelings about being with another man, even though I do not believe I am gay or bi. While I have had feelings and fantasies, I noticed I was never attracted to real men, only photos of male models or my imagination. I never acted on my thoughts because I kind of felt reality would never equal fantasy. After reading about your husbands experiences I know I was right. I also know I am not gay, but now I can feel a little more comfortable with my fantasies, knowing that's all those thoughts are........fantasies, not reality.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MandyGG

Many gay men have had sex with women and still consider themselves gay and no bisexual. Isn't that close to the same thing?

---

It's exactly the same thing. Before I finally came out as gay in 2006 I was dating (and marrying) women publicly and seeing guys privately. I consider those years my unfortunate experimentation phase and there is no way I would call myself bisexual now. I haven't kissed a girl since 2007 and I am attracted to men exclusively. Nothing changed except my own acceptance. I was never bi, I was never straight, I was just a pathetic closet queen who couldn't deal with the truth.

Your guy could indeed be straight forevermore, if he was gay, there would definitely be clues.

Being a cder for over 30 years and having not been in any kind of relationship for over 2 years nor active in anyway.I have found i do not miss or think about sex or my orientation at all .I just want a friend who is a GG that will acceppt me as her GF in just a friends way, one of the girls i guess ?.Anyways great post MandyGG it got me thinking .PS i have no probs with being or finding friends who are cders i will and plan on eventually going to a cd event .Just wanted to clarify is all :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gocaps14

After reading about your husbands experiences I know I was right. I also know I am not gay, but now I can feel a little more comfortable with my fantasies, knowing that's all those thoughts are........fantasies, not reality.

---

Fantasies are exciting, as long as someone's single. :) I once read a fascinating blog by a CDer for whom the fantasies of a faceless man were so enticing, sex with his GG SO stopped measuring up. Needless to say this caused issues in their relationship. Likely not everyone lets it go that far but while we're on the subject, I thought it was worth mentioning.

Bad,
I would not consider you as having been pathetic because you once had trouble dealing with the truth. Its a complicated world! Many of us tend (myself included) to beat ourselves up over trying to reconcile our inner selves to outside expectations, but I don't think it is productive or helpful to regret the past. I hope you can see it as a process of growing and learning. This speaks to Audrey learning from her experience: "It didn't make it me feel good and I knew it wasn't what I wanted anymore." I think it is more regret-able if we stay stuck in patterns that cause us pain.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Badtranny

It's exactly the same thing. Before I finally came out as gay in 2006 I was dating (and marrying) women publicly and seeing guys privately. I consider those years my unfortunate experimentation phase and there is no way I would call myself bisexual now. I haven't kissed a girl since 2007 and I am attracted to men exclusively. Nothing changed except my own acceptance. I was never bi, I was never straight, I was just a pathetic closet queen who couldn't deal with the truth.

Your guy could indeed be straight forevermore, if he was gay, there would definitely be clues.

---