heterogirls & transboys

i am definitely very new here and as of yesterday, i never ever thought i would be posting in a forum on a website called "crossdressers.com"

but. here i am. and i need your help... this is long and i apologize, but i'm totally new to this.

i am a heterosexual girl who is in like with a transgender boy. ever since we first started hanging out about a year ago, things just clicked. we have been existing as best friends for about 8 months now, hanging out every weekend, going on trips together, and talking almost every day for hours. i felt like we could tell each other anything. i guess i always had a little crush on him and that was what made it possible for me to spend so much time with him, but it wasn't until recently that i really accepted that yes, i *like* like him.

yesterday when he came over to my house, we sat together on my couch and stayed up all night talking. i kind of let it slip that i'm romantically attracted to him, and he said he feels the same way.

then... i thought he was going to kiss me, but instead, he came out to me.

he said "i'm a boy, but i have a girl's body..." i was just like... "what?" and he had to repeat it a couple times. i thought he just meant like, he thinks he's too skinny or too short because he is a little shorter and skinnier than me. but no... up until 4 years ago, he had been living as a girl. he told me he has GID and takes regular injections, which is why he can grow his facial hair. also i think he has had top surgery.

it was a complete surprise. sure, he has a unisex name and is a little effeminate, but lots of japanese boys seem very feminine compared to american boys. if anything, i thought he was gay. i would always tease him about being gay or being a girl, but that was only because i never thought it could actually be true. i immediately felt horrible for how i had teased him before.

he told me that if i wanted to take back my confession of romantic feelings, he would understand. i just looked at him with tears in my eyes and told him that it was him that i cared about, *him*, not what was (or wasn't) in his pants. i was so impressed with his bravery to tell me such a big secret. all i wanted to do was hug him and comfort him and tell him that i accepted him just the way he is and he doesn't have to worry.



in japan, there is a word that gets thrown around quite a lot recently. it is "new-half" and it mostly refers to MtF. there are new-half clubs/hostess bars, and even a handful of new-half celebrities (haruna ai, ikuko, etc.) who appear regularly on TV. usually they on variety shows as comedians or singers or giving make-up/fashion tips, but i did catch a serious interview with haruna ai. she said that she always knew she was a girl, but she was just trapped in a boy's body. that interview was the extent of my exposure to transgenderism.

after my boy came out to me, and went back to his house the next day, i seriously googled/wikipediad/youtubed the crap out of transgenderism and "transmen" because i wanted to know exactly what he was dealing with and going through. that is how i came to this site.

i read pages and pages of what you all have written on here and it has helped me so much. i think i'm starting to get an idea of what my boy has been dealing with.

now i need some advice.

i have so many questions that i want to ask him about him being a transman, but i don't know if it's ok to ask? for example about when he knew he was a boy, how he went about finding out how to be a boy physically, if he has periods, if he plans on getting more surgery, if he used to be a lesbian, etc. etc.

also, i'm a Christian, so i don't believe in having sex before marriage. so if we dated, i wouldn't have to worry about things in bed until if we got married... but i still want to touch him and sleep (yeah, sleep) with him but i have no idea what he expects/wants in a physical relationship. is there a "norm" for transmen in regards to expectations in physical relationships?

i met him as a boy, and he is a boy to me in my mind, but i still want to joke around with him as always about how he's a girl or something but now i feel like if i said something he wouldn't feel like he's passing... i guess i'll just have to watch what i say.

so i don't know. if there is anyone who is going through the same thing, or any transmen who have some insight on what my guy must be feeling now or how you would feel in a similar situation, please please please reply.

If he came out to you, he shouldn't have a problem with you asking. He'll probably feel better to know that you know what you need to, i know I would. If he was born a man, he cannot have periods, science is not that good. There is supposed to be a cycle that may affect emotions that happen in all men, but no bleeding, etc.

As for what he wants sexually, every TG man is different. Ask him.

If you have not given him problems yet by teasing him, then you most likely will not give him problems in the future about it. The best thing to do is to ask him if it upsets him or bothers him. If it does, try not to if it does not then you can say those things and he will not be offended or at least should not be. As for questions just ask him. If he feels the same way about you he will more and likely answer your questions with no problem. As transgendered people I think all can agree that we all understand a certain level of wonder & questioning from others who are not transgendered. We all kinda expect that, at least I do anyways. Many people have questions and then you run into the ones who have no questions but are prejudiced those are a horse of a different color. The best thing to do is just have a good chat with him. Good luck.

You're a brave and wonderful girl, emo! And you prove what so many here say, but very seldom really gets put into practice. You love your boy for what's in his soul, not what is or isn't in his pants.

Veronica's right! If he's cared enough about you to tell you the truth of his birth gender, then he's probably waiting for the rest of the questions to come. He's already done the very scariest thing he's ever done, that is to trust you to still love him after telling you the truth. Answering the questions will be easy and, if I were he, I'd be anxious to start that conversation.

And despite what you've already found out from your research, keep in mind that, just like with new-half women, each of us, boys and girls alike, have different reasons for doing what we do. So his answers may be familiar to you ... or they may be different than what you've already heard. He may not even be able to vocalize his rationale yet, but you can be sure that trying to find out has been the uppermost thing in his mind for years.

As for the teasing ... it's those little inside jokes and coy teases from my girlfriend (especially when in the company of others) that are making us even closer than we were before I told her about me. We share a secret ... and it's a good and exciting one!

Welcome, emo, dear one ... we're here whenever you need us. And we're here for him, too, if you'd care to tell him about us.

respect & love,
deja

:<3:

It was a big step for him to tell about his "secret" and what makes me even happier, you seem to take it seriously. Like already been said, every transgendered person is different and will seek for different things just like any other person in the world.

The fact that he told you something like that, I know by my own experience how hard it is to say something like that and I can imagine it being a lot harder in a country like Japan with its culture. If he's willing to tell you about the secret, I'm sure he'll be happy about you asking questions about it as well. I mean, it seems like you both have feelings for each other, so there should be nothing wrong with asking. However, you should make sure if he'll be fine with you asking questions. I don't think he will, but just listen to whatever he has to say.

About saying that he's like a girl etc. and things like that, you're right I don't think you should be saying things like that to him. Sadly, it is little hard to make jokes about a transgendered person, but I'm sure he understand that you're not serious with it, but you might still want to pay some attention.

As for sexuality, that's something only he can tell you. Just like, only you can tell other people about your sexuality. Even though we are transgendered it doesn't mean that we don't have sexuality at all. What I have an urge to, would be different than someone else. So I'd recommend talking about this with him, what he expect, what he needs etc.

I hope I could be at least of some help and if you feel like talking about this matter more privately, don't hesitate to contact me. I'll be glad to help you out with this matter.

wow thank you guys so much for your quick responses! you guys are such a great help to me...

from what i can tell, the questions should be ok to ask? we talk about anything and everything anyway, so i'm hoping he'll recognize my curiosity as what it is, me just wanting to know more about him.

though, he said of his friends and coworkers, only his childhood best friend (female) and like one friend (male) from high school know about his past. so i don't know if he's very used to talking about what he's going through or being asked questions. especially since japanese people have a tendency to ignore elephants in the room.

as for physical things, i guess i'll just have to wait until we get there. i still don't know if we are going to be boyfriend-girlfriend though. there are some mutual friends (namely, his best guy friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend) who might be upset about it. so i dunno.. it's a little messy now.

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Originally Posted by deja true

As for the teasing ... it's those little inside jokes and coy teases from my girlfriend (especially when in the company of others) that are making us even closer than we were before I told her about me. We share a secret ... and it's a good and exciting one!

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yeah, we went to a party together yesterday night and i could already feel this. we have two secrets between us (1) that we officially are in like, 2) his secret) and it was kind of exciting. he did mention that it might be weird and unnatural if i stopped teasing him. i guess i'll just have to find an acceptable balance.

deja, did your girlfriend know that you were trans before you started going out?

the questions seem ok to ask, but as for, "does he still have periods?", If he's been on hormones long enough to have facial hair, and has been taking them as long as you've known him or longer, then his menses has probably stopped by now. If not, it should stop ridiculously soon.

You've found the section of the forum for transguys who might have some insight. For people who may know what you're going thru, the Loved Ones http://http://www.crossdressers.com/...splay.php?f=66 section of this forum may be of more help.

it's really a good thing that you stuck with him/didn't make him feel like a freak when he came out to you. He was probably nervous as hell when he told you, and accepting him probably boosted his self esteem and confidence a lot.

also, good for you for actually bothering to research this after he came out to you. It shows you really care about him to learn what he might be going thru. But no one leads the same life. He himself is the best teacher for what you want to learn. So don't ba afraid to ask him questions in private about this. I'm sure he knows that you wont be asking to mock him or treat him like an oddity, and that you just don't want to be in the dark about him.

if he's ok with the jokes, keep 'em coming. I'm sure you two wont want to be walking on eggshells around each other, or for your whole relationship to revolve around this one issue.

good luck with your boy.

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deja, did your girlfriend know that you were trans before you started going out?

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No, baby ,she didn't. But she did recognize me as "diferent" than the "he-men" she'd previously been familiar with (or married to ... twice! LOL!). And after finding herself just not attracted to those kinds of guys anymore, she had kinda given up on relationships entirely. She's an intelligent alpha female type, very outgoing and srong-willed, and I guess I was somewhat attractive to her 'cos I was quiet and non-competitive. Not that I'm a wimp, just not overly loud or over-compensating. We reacted to each other as best friends, not hunter and prey, yet still had a wonderful attraction to each other. And I think she appreciated that. We've been together about 6 years, but I only came out to her about 2 months ago. And unlike many here, there really were no problems with that. Her reaction, instead of anger at my deception (wasn't really deception, more like avoidance of the issue...), was " Hmmm! I think we could we have fun with that!" Lord knows we're both old enough to have secrets in our pasts, and when she feels she wants to tell me more of hers, that'll be fine. If she never does, that's okay, too. We're living in the "right now", not the distant past. And we each have new lives to live and new paths to explore. (One of her ex-husbands has become a good friend ... LOL!)
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I'd rather have sent this as a PM, hun, but you gotta get your first 10 posts in so you can talk privately with any of the other members. Lotsa great advice and more personal info can come to you through the Young Members and F A B (Female At Birth) private forums. Just go make another coupla posts as quick comments in any other thread that interests you and those other venues will be available to you.
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So happy you're here, emo ... :)

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Originally Posted by Thornton

the questions seem ok to ask, but as for, "does he still have periods?", If he's been on hormones long enough to have facial hair, and has been taking them as long as you've known him or longer, then his menses has probably stopped by now. If not, it should stop ridiculously soon.

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ah yeah... i was wondering about that. in the videos i watched and posts i read i didn't really see anything about that.

it's kind of weird to think of my boy as having had a period or ever being a girl. to me, he is just a boy who happens to have well, girl parts down there--by no fault of his own. as a girl, it almost makes me blush to think that he knows exactly what *i've* got, when usually those things are kind of mysteries to men.

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Originally Posted by Thornton

You've found the section of the forum for transguys who might have some insight. For people who may know what you're going thru, the Loved Ones http://http://www.crossdressers.com/...splay.php?f=66 section of this forum may be of more help.

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wow thanks for the link. i guess i should have checked the forums a little more thoroughly before posting here. i apologize to you guys and if any mods think that the thread should be moved i completely understand~

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Originally Posted by deja true

I'd rather have sent this as a PM, hun, but you gotta get your first 10 posts in so you can talk privately with any of the other members. Lotsa great advice and more personal info can come to you through the Young Members and F A B (Female At Birth) private forums. Just go make another coupla posts as quick comments in any other thread that interests you and those other venues will be available to you.
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So happy you're here, emo ... :)

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thanks so much~ you are really such a help to me. i'll browse around the site and other boards and see if i can get my post count up. shouldn't be a problem... i really really want to get to know about what my guy is going through so i can be a support and comfort to him.

also, i'm glad to hear that things with your girlfriend went well!! i hope stories like yours and mine can help transmen who are unsure about dating know that yes, there *are* girls out there who will be supportive girlfriends!

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Originally Posted by emoglassesenvy

wow thanks for the link. i guess i should have checked the forums a little more thoroughly before posting here. i apologize to you guys and if any mods think that the thread should be moved i completely understand~

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You didn't post in the wrong place at all. :) This is the transmen section--you wanted to talk to us, this is where you go. The point was, if you would like to talk with other people trying to deal with having a transgendered spouse, bf/gf, parent, child, etc, you should apply to the Loved Ones or the F.A.B. sections, when you get your ten posts. Also, do come hang out with us in the youth section (it's a lot of fun ;)). You seem like you are in the right age range.

Anyway, everyone else here said it: you seem like a wonderfully supportive woman. I wish every (straight) transman could find a someone special like you. :(

If you are worried about what questions are ok to ask, then ask that question. Some trans people are very sensitive to "physical or plumbing" questions while others aren't bothered by anything you want to ask. The most important thing is to comunicate how you are feeling. You are continuing to be attracted to him and don't seem to find this a major obstackle. Make sure he knows this and you should be fine. Good luck and god bless you for seeing him for the man he is!!

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Originally Posted by Seamus_Jameson

You didn't post in the wrong place at all. :) This is the transmen section--you wanted to talk to us, this is where you go. The point was, if you would like to talk with other people trying to deal with having a transgendered spouse, bf/gf, parent, child, etc, you should apply to the Loved Ones or the F.A.B. sections, when you get your ten posts. Also, do come hang out with us in the youth section (it's a lot of fun ;)). You seem like you are in the right age range.

Anyway, everyone else here said it: you seem like a wonderfully supportive woman. I wish every (straight) transman could find a someone special like you. :(

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yeah, i have been browsing the loved ones section and it doesn't seem very active and is more related to cross dressing, which i can't really relate to. i'm thrilled to have so many responses within less than 12 hours of posting! keep them coming, guys :star:


only a few more posts til i can get PMs and access to the other forums... hehe



my boy is coming over in about half an hour... i wonder if i should hide my browsing history... hmmm.
also i will keep all of you guys' advice in mind if sensitive topics come up! i'll let you know how it goes :)

Sorry I came in late, but I just want to say that you're awesome, emo! You did everything right (provided that there's a "right" way to do it...let's say you did it exactly the way I would hope my significant other would react)! You said you loved him anyway, are struggling to understand him because you don't want to lose him, and are researching and educating yourself on it.

But yeah, now you need to get more specific with him; in other words, what he is like rather than transboys in general. I agree with everyone here who's said to straight-up ask him the questions you have. Since some guys can be more offended by questions than others, it'd be the safest way to first ask him if you can, well, ask personal questions about himself. If he says yes, then make sure he knows that he doesn't have to answer anything he doesn't want to, feels is too personal or uncomfortable, etc. Tell him you won't mind if he's not ready or doesn't want to share certain things.

With all of that being set up, you should be free to ask away, yet not make him feel like he's being forced to do something he doesn't want.

Keep going, m'dear! You're doing great!

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Originally Posted by emoglassesenvy

yeah, i have been browsing the loved ones section and it doesn't seem very active and is more related to cross dressing, which i can't really relate to. i'm thrilled to have so many responses within less than 12 hours of posting! keep them coming, guys :star:

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Actually hun, there is valuable info in all the sections. I think most of us watch all the new posts from all the sections by continually hitting the "New Posts" tab, rather than just going to one forum and waiting for a new post to come up.

For instance, in the last 1/2 hour alone there have been 9 new posts in Picture and Vid (not open to you yet), 4 in New Members, 5 in Clothing and accessories, 9 in M2F, 1 in Beauty, 1 in Transmasculine (yours), 1 in Meeting Place, I in Trans Forum. ('Course,Sunday morning is a busy time, 'cos a lot of us heathens don't go to church ... LOL!) But, unless the OP requests responses only from one group of people, many of us post wherever we think we might have something to say. So you can often find MtF's posting in Transmasculine or Transguys posting in MtF or anywhere they please. A lot of very insightful comments are made all over the place (well, maybe not the pantie threads!).

That's how we learn from each other about our differences and especially about our similarities. We all, guys, girls, trans, andro, whatever, have a lot in common, especially with acceptance issues. And it's all those different opinions and pieces of advice that make us more sensitive to each other and bring us together. Don't think that a conversation among the girls has no bearing on anyone else. I'm MtF, but have gotten a lot of very good insights from the guys threads.

What happens a lot also, is that, as you get to know and like a few of the personalities and opinions of some members, M or F or W, you find yourself searching out some of their threads and posts, no matter what section, 'cos you know you're gonna read something insightful or brilliant (or funny).

Browse around, darlin'. There are dorks here, but there are also a lot of good thinkers and poetic messengers, in skirts and in jockey shorts.

;)

Welcome, Emo....I'm glad you found this board....There are a lot of transguys on here who are more than willing to help you through this, Myself included....I agree with Ze when he says just make sure that he understands that if any particular question is too close to home or too personal, he can let you know that so as not to feel obligated to answer...but, you being as understanding, open, and accepting as you are, he will probably feel pretty comfortable talking to you....We are just like anyone else, some of us are very private about our inner stuff, others are more willing to put it out there...To Me, the key thing is....Go into this relationship thinking of him as a guy, not a transguy....The right mindset is critical to a lot of us....Use the right pronouns right from the beginning and it will just flow naturally....But, since you didn't know he WAS trans in the beginning, you are already there with that one....Just don't let the word "trans" change your perceptions of him....See him as you did before you knew....and he will love you for it....Trust Me on that. :hugs:

What an awesome post! Welcome to our world. lol
As others have said, having already taken the major plunge of telling you his secret, he is probably waiting for the questions to follow. Considering your friendship, and presumed relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your asking every single question that pops in to your head. If you wonder about it, it worries you, or your simply curious, ask him. He is waiting for that, expects that, and may very well appreciate the chance to speak with you about it.

And again, welcome to the world of TG. :D

The key to any relationship is communication. You asking questions of your guy is absolutely a great way to communicate. You are no different than any other couple in wanting to know more about the person that you care very much about. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

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Originally Posted by SirTrey

To Me, the key thing is....Go into this relationship thinking of him as a guy, not a transguy....The right mindset is critical to a lot of us....Use the right pronouns right from the beginning and it will just flow naturally....But, since you didn't know he WAS trans in the beginning, you are already there with that one....Just don't let the word "trans" change your perceptions of him....See him as you did before you knew....and he will love you for it....Trust Me on that. :hugs:

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yeah, that won't be a problem. he is totally a guy to me. i can't even imagine him being a girl. even if i saw pictures of him as a kid, i don't think i could think of him as a girl or former-girl... he's just *him* and always will be

i dunno. it's just like if instead of telling me he is trans, he said he got in some freak ninja throwing star fight and happened to accidently get his junk cut off. like, i can't be mad at him for not having a penis. it's not his fault. he's still the same person with or without. only if we get married and start to think about kids does that really come into play, but that is a long, long way off.





following everyone's awesome advice, i straight up asked him if it was alright to ask questions. he was totally totally cool about it and said it was fine and he'd answer anything i asked him. like you guys thought, he said he was used to questions and was glad i wanted to know more about him. so i'm really happy that all worked out.





oh, also, we are officially dating now ♪ヽ(＊^-^)人(^o^＊)ノ♪

and hah, actually that high school friend of his that i thought was male is actually a transman too~

i really had no idea there were so many transboys and transgirls around. i'm not going to be "on the lookout" or anything, but i might think a little differently when i see some people.

my guy said that he can usually tell when he meets others and that others can usually tell when they meet him. i just don't get it at all. can you guys tell?

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Originally Posted by emoglassesenvy

i dunno. it's just like if instead of telling me he is trans, he said he got in some freak ninja throwing star fight and happened to accidently get his junk cut off. like, i can't be mad at him for not having a penis. it's not his fault. he's still the same person with or without.

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you know, I like that reason....mind if I use it?

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following everyone's awesome advice, i straight up asked him if it was alright to ask questions. he was totally totally cool about it and said it was fine and he'd answer anything i asked him. like you guys thought, he said he was used to questions and was glad i wanted to know more about him. so i'm really happy that all worked out.

oh, also, we are officially dating now ♪ヽ(＊^-^)人(^o^＊)ノ♪

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:w00t:

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Originally Posted by emoglassesenvy

and hah, actually that high school friend of his that i thought was male is actually a transman too~

i really had no idea there were so many transboys and transgirls around. i'm not going to be "on the lookout" or anything, but i might think a little differently when i see some people.

my guy said that he can usually tell when he meets others and that others can usually tell when they meet him. i just don't get it at all. can you guys tell?

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See, we're just people. We're everywhere, but no one would ever know it, because we're not the freaks of nature society paints us to me.

Can I tell? It depends on how for along the person is in their transition, and when in life the person transitioned. But usually, I just see a short dude or a tall chick. and nothing more.

Hey Emo welcome to the forum. It’s great to read how understanding you are about his situation and I am pleased he has found someone as caring as you. Usually, us “female to male” “transguys” tend to only be called male, not trans, not ftm [personally I hate being called anything but male but hey, everyone is different]. As someone else said, communication is the key, talk about what is best for you BOTH not just one of you etc.

Anyway, short and sweet, welcome. You should maybe get your boyfriend to join up and chat about his experiences?

Take care =]

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Originally Posted by Thornton

you know, I like that reason....mind if I use it?

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haha go for it

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Originally Posted by NiCo

Hey Emo welcome to the forum. It’s great to read how understanding you are about his situation and I am pleased he has found someone as caring as you. Usually, us “female to male” “transguys” tend to only be called male, not trans, not ftm [personally I hate being called anything but male but hey, everyone is different]. As someone else said, communication is the key, talk about what is best for you BOTH not just one of you etc.

Anyway, short and sweet, welcome. You should maybe get your boyfriend to join up and chat about his experiences?

Take care =]

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ah, thanks for the tip about what to call transguys/males/etc heh.

when we talk, we speak in japanese but i don't know the words for transgender/transman/ftm/etc in japanese, so i just say them in english and he understands what i'm saying (probably from internet research) but so far he hasn't said which words he uses for himself yet-- instead of those words he just says "people like me". i'll try to keep listening for them though.

and i'd suggest signing up to him, but he is more comfortable using japanese and i think he's already posting on some japanese message boards <3

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Originally Posted by emoglassesenvy

ah, thanks for the tip about what to call transguys/males/etc heh.

when we talk, we speak in japanese but i don't know the words for transgender/transman/ftm/etc in japanese, so i just say them in english and he understands what i'm saying (probably from internet research) but so far he hasn't said which words he uses for himself yet-- instead of those words he just says "people like me". i'll try to keep listening for them though

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I'd just recommend using a male, guy, boyfriend etc. with no special meaning of him actually not being physically fully a guy. As he feels that he is a guy, so associating him with male words would be the way to go.

Though, the best might be to ask him what he wants to be called, but I'm rather sure the answer would be the male pronouns.

Knowing that there is a language barrier, I don't think he will mind you not using Japanese for everything. it is understand considering you two are from two different cultures and from my own experience Japanese are rather understanding with foreigners, if they can't get everything right the first time. So just take it calmly and try not to think about this matter so much. In the end, his only a guy in a body a wrong body, so besides under rare circumstances I don't think he'd want to be mentioned anything about her female body.

Just remember, one can't learn a language over night, so ask him I'm sure he will be glad to help you out with your Japanese skills. I never had any issues with Japanese not being helpful if I had some questions about Japanese when I lived there.

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Originally Posted by Shikyo

I'd just recommend using a male, guy, boyfriend etc. with no special meaning of him actually not being physically fully a guy. As he feels that he is a guy, so associating him with male words would be the way to go.

Though, the best might be to ask him what he wants to be called, but I'm rather sure the answer would be the male pronouns.

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oh yeah, no, i always use male words~ using anything else would feel really unnatural. i just meant that when i ask him questions about him being transgender, i didn't really know the correct ways to phrase things :strugglin

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Originally Posted by Shikyo

Knowing that there is a language barrier, I don't think he will mind you not using Japanese for everything. it is understand considering you two are from two different cultures and from my own experience Japanese are rather understanding with foreigners, if they can't get everything right the first time.

Just remember, one can't learn a language over night, so ask him I'm sure he will be glad to help you out with your Japanese skills. I never had any issues with Japanese not being helpful if I had some questions about Japanese when I lived there.

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yeah i dunno. i didn't even know these words in english until a few days ago, so even though i'm nearly fluent in japanese i don't feel too bad about not knowing them in japanese. if i find a time that isn't weird to ask i'll ask him then~


also as an update, he's going to meet my parents in a couple of days. i don't even know if i'm going to tell them we're dating (i'm sure they suspect it), let alone tell them about his "secret". no need to really, especially so early on.

he told me about how one of his transgender friends told his girlfriend's parents and the parents were pretty upset about it. i think my parents wouldn't be happy, but wouldn't forbid me to date him or anything.

in your experience, has it been better to tell early, wait, or just not saying anything at all?

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Originally Posted by emoglassesenvy

oh yeah, no, i always use male words~ using anything else would feel really unnatural. i just meant that when i ask him questions about him being transgender, i didn't really know the correct ways to phrase things :strugglin

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That alone should make him feel better about the whole situation. I'm glad he has found such a nice and understanding girlfriend, nyaa.

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yeah i dunno. i didn't even know these words in english until a few days ago, so even though i'm nearly fluent in japanese i don't feel too bad about not knowing them in japanese. if i find a time that isn't weird to ask i'll ask him then~

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These aren't really those words that are thought in the school. To be honest, I didn't know most of the words myself until I joined this forum. Being transgendered myself, it feels kinda strange to think that I didn't have a way to express myself in words until now.

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also as an update, he's going to meet my parents in a couple of days. i don't even know if i'm going to tell them we're dating (i'm sure they suspect it), let alone tell them about his "secret". no need to really, especially so early on.

he told me about how one of his transgender friends told his girlfriend's parents and the parents were pretty upset about it. i think my parents wouldn't be happy, but wouldn't forbid me to date him or anything.

in your experience, has it been better to tell early, wait, or just not saying anything at all?

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It's always hard to tell with things like this. Are both of your parents American or is one of the Japanese? Because I think the origin might have rather a lot effect into their reaction. Also the way they were brought up etc. How are you parents usually with gay people and other not so normal poeple. If they don't seem to have anything against them, the chances are they are not going to take it badly are high.

My wife's, mom knows about me. She hasn't told her dad yet, but she took it very calm. The only thing she said to that was, "I guess I better buy some girlie cloths from now on" her parent's are both Japanese origin, so however they've lived in the U.S. for their whole life. Just told this to show, that it really depends how they were brought up and the traditions in their culture are.

About when you should tell, I wouldn't tell until it becomes an issue. With this I mean the time when you two are being very serious(this meaning you are planning to get married or engaged) about your relationship. There is no need to tell anything in the beginning of your relationship. First you gotta make sure you really are planning to stay together, then you should tell your parents about this matter. I wouldn't tell before, just because it's unnecessary stress on your parents if something happens to your relationship(I'm not saying that it's not going to work, but just to wait a little to make sure that you are serious about the relationship).

If you both are truly serious about the matter, of you two loving each other. I don't really think there are any parents who would get mad about it. Anyway, it has to be told sooner or later, there is no way around that.

EDIT: My wife told her mom after we had been in a relationship for 3 years. However, I've never met them yet. They also don't know that we are married nor does my side of the family know about our marriage.

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Originally Posted by Shikyo

That alone should make him feel better about the whole situation. I'm glad he has found such a nice and understanding girlfriend, nyaa.

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hehe :dance:

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Originally Posted by Shikyo

Are both of your parents American or is one of the Japanese? Because I think the origin might have rather a lot effect into their reaction. Also the way they were brought up etc. How are you parents usually with gay people and other not so normal poeple. If they don't seem to have anything against them, the chances are they are not going to take it badly are high.

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nah, they're both white americans and i don't think they know any gay or "not so normal" people.. ah well, i've pretty much decided i'm not going to tell them this time around. maybe ever. we'll see how far this relationship goes first

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Originally Posted by Shikyo

If you both are truly serious about the matter, of you two loving each other. I don't really think there are any parents who would get mad about it. Anyway, it has to be told sooner or later, there is no way around that.

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yeah that's what i'm banking on if eventually things ever come out~

thanks for the input!:)

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Originally Posted by emoglassesenvy

hehe :dance:

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Just the truth. Not so many of us are lucky to have understanding partners. From what I've gathered and found out that there are rather a lot transsexuals aren't even able to find partners and live their lives alone.

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nah, they're both white americans and i don't think they know any gay or "not so normal" people.. ah well, i've pretty much decided i'm not going to tell them this time around. maybe ever. we'll see how far this relationship goes first

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Then I could imagine them having easier time to accept the different in the relationship of yours. My parents nor relatives had no issues with me being transsexual, however they aren't American. With just the Japanese culture there are some things that are harder for them to accept than for us it is.

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yeah that's what i'm banking on if eventually things ever come out~

thanks for the input!:)

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You're welcome. I'll be glad to help you out if there is any way I can. I know how hard a situation like this is, though from the other side of the coin. It will never be quite the same no matter how you look at it. Just brings some more harder times when you will have to choose not to tell, or other complications like the issue with sex. But all in all, if you are in love it will be worth it. I can assure you that.

Dude, Haruna Ai rocks so hard. She's so awesome.

Okay, gushing aside... I apologize that I can't give you specific advice about MTFs, or transgender or anything like that. I do wanna say, though, I wouldn't rush him with questions. I think this holds true for just about anything exotic, especially something as personal as this, but the general tendency is that people usually aren't that fond of answering millions of questions about something that sets them apart, except, maybe, an area of study or expertise. It seems like you're really curious as a result of this being new to you. It's understandable, but at the same time, at this point, I think it's more important to consider his feelings, as he's the more vulnerable one in this situation, so it seems. If you have some things you really want to ask, I would space them out a lot. Maybe once every few times you meet, without making a really big deal about it. Also, I would try and be vague about it. I've found that people will tell you as much as they want to tell you, if you ask. When you push, or ask specific questions, and things like that, some people can find it invasive, or rude, as holds true with any subject. And, I mean, this is just a generalized stance, that can be applied to any situation, but I feel it works particularly well for sensitive subjects.

Additionally, I'm not trying to criticize you, or anything like that, but I think you might be thinking too far ahead. I understand the point of view of not bothering to date if there's no possibility of marriage, and things like that, but I wouldn't think too much about it. Whatever happens happens, and you'll cross those bridges when you come to them. For now, just have fun. Don't worry so much. Enjoy yourselves. :)

And, I'm sorry, I have to ask, is this an AMWF relationship? If so, I seriously commend you, and wish you well!! XD We need more representation!! XD

I'm new to the forums but just wanted to say this story is really awesome. My heart skipped a beat while reading...thanks. <3

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Originally Posted by hiro

I wouldn't rush him with questions. I think this holds true for just about anything exotic, especially something as personal as this, but the general tendency is that people usually aren't that fond of answering millions of questions about something that sets them apart, except, maybe, an area of study or expertise.

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at first questions just kind of spilled out, and i apologized but he actually said that it was totally alright, if there was anything he didn't want to answer then he'd say so. also, ftm kind of *is* his area of expertise, it's interesting to him and he has done a lot of research so he's actually happy that i ask questions instead of just "politely" ignoring it.

though yeah, i'm trying not to just blurt stuff out. i wait until he brings up issues related to his transgenderism before i ask anything. and surprisingly to me, he brings it up more than i would have thought. i get the feeling that he likes that he can talk about his real feelings and real issues with me instead of hiding everything like before.

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And, I'm sorry, I have to ask, is this an AMWF relationship? If so, I seriously commend you, and wish you well!! XD We need more representation!! XD

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hah, indeed it is. you in one too?

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Originally Posted by soimhappy

I'm new to the forums but just wanted to say this story is really awesome. My heart skipped a beat while reading...thanks. <3

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yay! i'm happy you're happy.. haha. :star:

update!:

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 and a half months now and things are awesome. i forgot how fun having a boyfriend is...

he's answered any and every question i have had about his ftm-ness, even really personal questions that i was embarrassed to be asking. i also told him how i've been posting and reading these kinds of forums, and he was glad i could find some support.

when i first posted here, i was properly freaked out and thought i was way in over my head... however, now i've come to understand a lot and i forget that he's ftm all of the time. like he'll start a conversation about some ftm or transsexual topic and i'll be like, "what? this is random, why are we talki... oh. yeah, he's TS.. " heh. he said sometime he forgets, too.

i found some vlogs on youtube by girlfriends of transguys, and it made me want to start one, too. however, no one can ever know that my boyfriend is ts, so i'd have to do it on another account and hide my face, etc. hmm.

also, i found out that my boyfriend actually made a website to share his experiences on living with GID and help other guys get information about coming out, binders, surgery, etc. it hasn't really been updated since he finished his transition but here's the link: http://94.xmbs.jp/sting/
(warning: it's in japanese)


emoglassesenvy & jin <3

Hi there emo,

Im so glad you are happy and that you have managed to find a nice guy :)...perhaps now everything is out in the open and you are in a relationship he would like to join here to make some friends too :)

If he has been open and receptive to your questions, there is no need to be embarrassed at all. Like many others have pointed out, some people don't like being put under a microscope, but some will be glad to answer any questions you have (within reason). I shouldn't have to tell you some questions are a bit insulting ("What is your 'real' name?", etc.), so I've hoped you've avoided those.

It really makes me happy to read there are people like you out there. :) The first person I came out as trans to was the person I was dating at the time (a cisgendered male who said he was cool with gay people. Obviously not TG/TS though!). Bad idea. He put me through so much verbal and psychological abuse over it that I havebeen hesitant to come out to anyone else I'm close with other than my current partner. But reading about you, who loves people for who they are, just warms my heart.

I'm really glad things are working out for you and wish the best.