To Be or Not To Be. Isn’t that the Question?
I’m starting this new thread but using some of Tinkerbell’s quotes from another thread in the MtF forum so as to not hijack the original thread. As usual, Tinkerbell’s candor provides CDers useful insight. The subject I’m addressing is choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Tinkerbell-GG
Funny you write this is as I would actually suggest that many wives do believe their husbands are choosing to be crossdressers!... As I said, I suspect many new GGs wonder if her partner isn't just refusing to stop dressing because he doesn't want to… Despite that, there will always be this little nagging doubt at the back of my mind that my H did choose this, that it's only compulsive because he allows it.
Tinkerbell’s statement rings very personal for me. My wife believes I choose to CD. She has told me this. I think my wife’s statement really means that I can stop CDing when and if I really want. So please do. I’ve thought much about her comments and actually changed my mind from my initial response to her.
I agree that CDers choose to crossdress - in context of this reply. In its most fundamental essence, people put on clothes for protection, warmth, and not be naked. A man can and does choose to put on either men or women’s clothes to satisfy these basic functions. However, the gender associated type of clothes a person dons can transcend these basic functions as to the purpose of what and why particular clothes are chosen to wear. Most GGs put on female associated clothes because they identify with the female gender. No one thinks this is odd or unacceptable behavior because their sex is female as well. This is considered ‘normal’ because there is an alignment of sex and gender identity and all is well with broad societal expectations. However, societal expectations are upset when I choose to not put on wingtips but rather slip into a pair of heels because the gender identification of the shoes and of my sexual assignment does not match. I have a fluid and somewhere on the gender spectrum gender identity. As individuals, we have no choice of our sex at birth just like eye or skin pigmentation color. We also have no choice as to our gender identity which is as ingrained and fundamental as being right or left handed. Sex is biological whereas gender is personality. This distinction is substantiated by Merriam-Webster’s gender definition “the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex”. Note all three adjectives in this definition are mental characteristics (“cultural” is built from mental processes). Before some people jump to wrong conclusions about this definition using the words “with one sex”, this definition does not mandate binary gender. Instead it says “typically associated with one sex” e.g. sex is (usually) binary – not necessarily gender.
I offer a thought exercise which may help non-accepting heterosexual women better understand the CD mindset. What if you (a heterosexual woman) were to pull your hair back (if long), adorn a fake mustache, and put a sock in the crotch while wearing men’s jeans? The point is to appear as male as you can and look in a full length mirror. Do you think you may feel awkward and uncomfortable because your image didn’t match your gender? That’s how men who are somewhere on the gender spectrum other than fully and only male sometimes feel when their image doesn’t match their gender. That is why I CD. I don’t claim to say that’s why every man CDs because I can only speak for myself.
So while I choose to CD, it is to align how I think and feel about myself (my identity) with my outward presentation. The same occurs when ‘normal’ heterosexual women dress and appear as women. Heterosexual women dress and appear as women for the same reason that many MtF crossdressers do.
Yes, I choose to CD similarly for the same reason I pick up a fork and eat with my right hand. I could choose to eat with my left hand but that’s not how I’m wired; it’s not my personality. Why should I since I’m right handed? Conversely, ‘normal’ heterosexual women could choose to dress as men but it’s not their personality. Why should they when their gender is completely female? So while the clothes we put on may be a choice, negating one’s gender identity is not – without consequences. Denying one’s gender identity comes with emotional stress. From many posts on this forum it appears the amount of stress varies from mild to suicidal depending on the individual. So while I’m choosing to CD, please understand what I’m really choosing is to live authentically and minimize personal trauma.
Some GGs may not believe in the concept of fluid gender identities or that gender is a spectrum along a male and female scale. Rather, they believe gender is binary like sex. I completely understand why because that is how most people are raised (culture) and they rarely find themselves in a position, or need, to question their beliefs. However, for the unfortunate wives of men who revealed during marriage, this surprise certainly puts them in the undesirable position to at least consider their gender beliefs. Some GGs reading this forum may be questioning their beliefs about gender or seeking some kind of rational explanation why their male SO enjoys appearing female. I believe evidence that indeed gender is a spectrum rather than binary is the fact that some men will risk intense marital discourse, ridicule, good reputation, and loss of job and friends and family for CDing. Clearly the desire to align gender image to gender feelings must be deeply ingrained in the fabric of personality because why would otherwise ‘normal’ and responsible men partake?
Perhaps it is easier for GGs who do not believe gender is a spectrum to believe CDing is a mental disorder. But don’t become too satisfied with that explanation. The correct psychological term is Gender Dysphoria (the term Gender Identity Disorder is being removed from the latest DSM revision). The difference between a disorder and dysphoria is stark. From Wikipedia, “Dysphoria is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation.”. Homosexuality was diagnosed in the DSM as an illness until 1973, and conditions pertaining to homosexuality were entirely removed in 1987. Since “…All psychiatric diagnoses occur within a cultural context,” said Jack Drescher, a member of the APA subcommittee working on the [DSM] revision… ” explains why homosexuality was removed from the DSM as the gay community has gained more societal support. Certainly more support that the T in LGBT. Perhaps in the future our culture may become more supportive to CDing and GD will be completely removed from the DSM as well. The ASA changing our ‘condition’ from a disorder to dysphoria is a movement toward that direction. IMHO, this substantiates the concept that gender is indeed a spectrum and it is only our present culture’s attitude toward CDing that keeps GD in the DSM.
With this in mind:
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Tinkerbell-GG
And I'm still here thinking 'it's clothing, for crying out loud. You're a grown man so just stop it already!'
For me, it’s not just about the clothes. It’s is a matter of self-identity and harmony – the significance of CDing goes way beyond “just clothes”. Clothes, cosmetics, etc. are an outward appearance of an inward condition. Some people may wear a jersey of a football team they support. They identify as supporters of the team and proudly wear the faux uniform. I understand this analogy breaks down comparing the potential consequences of wearing a jersey and CDing. Rarely does a wife become concerned about friends’ ridicule for their husband wearing a particular football jersey - except, maybe a husband wearing a Redskins jersey to a Cowboys game in Dallas. A CD’s GG may understandably fear the risk of ridicule to their SO, themselves, or both. Believe me, as a CDer, the risk of social ridicule is well understood.
Also:
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Tinkerbell-GG
As it currently stands, most women end up married to a crossdresser without realising, until some shocking moment arrives many years after the wedding day. The choice was never given. That is not a healthy foundation for marriage and in my mind, definitely reason enough for the relationship to end if the wife chooses. It doesn't matter that maybe her husband hadn't figured himself out before that moment.
Since gender is a product of personality rather than biological assignment, it can take some time for people whose sex doesn’t completely align with their gender to figure it out. Clearly our personality develops over time. I’m certainly not the same person when I married 35 years ago. I believe it takes longer for some of us to understand our gender does not perfectly align with our sex primarily because we must first question cultural ‘norms’ to the contrary. Perhaps I’m just dense but it took me more than 50 years and six sessions with a psychologist to understand that I have a female identity as well as male. I didn’t have a clue about answers of gender identity when I exchanged marriage vows as a young adult. I didn’t even know there was a question to be asked! So for me, it wasn’t as much as my interest changed as much as a prolonged journey of self-discovery. While it may not matter “that maybe her husband hadn't figured himself out before that moment” as far as the adjustment some SOs are asked to accept or the SO’s feelings of beginning their marriage with a lie, it certainly may matter regarding the young and naive husband’s gender understanding and motive. I had no idea my quirky behavior was the result of deep rooted identity when I exchanged vows long ago. In fact, my CD then was minimal then but has progressed as my personality continued to evolve. If I had the understanding of my CD then as I do now, there is no question I would have certainly revealed all of my gender identity before the nuptials. I am so envious of some of the young men who have already figured this out. There was no internet in my early days to discover that I wasn’t the only man on earth who had feminine thoughts and expression. Likely the road for them will be smoother than those, like myself, who came before.
So, in summary, I choose to CD to preserve my sanity. But I also choose to taper my CDing activity within bounds that keeps my wife sane and in our home together while still providing me some relief from unbearable personal anguish. That sounds easy enough but it was a rough road reaching this milestone on both our parts. The journey is not over. I want more while she just wants her husband to ‘be fixed’. Finally, I completely understand many (most?) heterosexual wives do not want a CDing husband. As Tinkerbell stated, “It's not in our DNA to behave such a way. If we didn't prefer heterosexual men who present as men, we wouldn't be heterosexual women!”. I get that. The purpose of my post is not to minimize the preference of heterosexual women, rather provide my opinion on why some men such as myself CD. I believe it is also the feelings of many other men who forage here.
