Quote Originally Posted by SweetIonis View Post
Kaitlyn, I am trying to make due with my limited intelligence, my limited power to use words, and the limitations of the words themselves. We are dealing with things that you can't touch or feel. ............

My point is that if you want me to try to view a fundamental gender identity that is male or female as the driving force, without giving some sort of way to differentiate between the two, then you are making it difficult for someone to conceptualize the paradigm you are purposing. I thought about it for a while the other day, and when I tried to differentiate I was back at the point of desire, which again, leads me to believe that desire is the more fundamental element. That's my point.
Hey I don't even write in sentences !!!

You just nailed it...you can't conceptualize it...... that the hard truth.. there is no guide for you... how do you "know" what you "know" about anything??
so i am suggesting you will never know..

It is not necessary to "know" you are female to "be" female...the seed does not have to know its a seed to be a seed

I thought i "knew" that i was male...genetically i am, i was born with male parts..i learned to thrive in a male role (for the most part)...i compartmentalized my gender thoughts...ALL of my alone time was spent thinking of my femaleness..but when the lights came on and the show started, it was all guy..

but pretending is hard, i got tired of it..it started to wear me down. over a long drawn out time of confusion and anxiety and worse...i wished it would all just stop.... I tried to "be" male by "feeling" male.. but it was like the inputs i was getting did not connect i I couldnt stand being around people anymore...every personal interaction made me more and more trapped and depressed....

the feeling that i was trapped and without hope DROVE me to consider that my lifetime obsession with crossgender behavior was my COPING with this existential, impossible problem...crossdressing was a dead end..
i finally accepted what i was...even accepting it took alot of time..i was so afraid i made up excuses and i ended up feeling worse and worse...
and finally i acted...
and then when i acted, when i transitioned, all those feelings stopped...the more i went down the path, the better i felt..the instant i started HRT i felt better...i knew it was right for me...i just knew..i'm sorry to say that it doesnt get better than that...there was no specific feeling ,it wasn't about makeup, clothes or anything specific...thats why i tend to HATE the COGIATI tests and things that lead people down silly paths...so you like baths?? hmm...maybe you are more female than male!! arghh!!

post srs, the dead feeling totally went away..the idea of switching genders seems incomprehensible to me....why would anybody do that?..LOL...think about that for a second..it feels to me now that i have always been this way...and what i've found is that its challenging to care about myself!! it's sad to me that i had to give up so much, but its inconceivable to me that i could be male..

in the end, the only way i found to answer the question was to do it...
this experience that i had is very consistent with many transsexuals that lived male lives for any period of time..