Getting increasingly frustrated with DADT...

[ReineD]

Yes, I "get" the fact that for most women, finding out that the man whom she has a romantic/sexual relationship with is a crossdresser is far harder to accept than if he were just a friend, an acquaintance, or even another family member. Still, it hurts when the person whom you have dedicated your life to and who should be in your corner unconditionally cannot fulfill an emotional need that someone who only knows you in a more superficial manner can...

Input from the GG's here would be especially valuable...

Before I begin please know that my heart goes out to you and I say these things hoping they will help you come to terms with your existing situation so that you will not feel as frustrated or hurt.

The biggest predictor of success in marriages where the husband CDs is telling the wife right at the beginning. I'm not berating you if you didn't do this thirty years ago since I'm sure that you didn't have the knowledge or the strength of desire to CD then. But, it is what it is and when a wife finds out some years into the marriage she feels as if her husband omitted to share an important part of who he is with her, and she feels betrayed. I think this, more than anything, colors her views of the CDing. If your wife knew thirty years ago and chose to ingnore it, there may be a number of other things going on, such as a fear that if she accepts you then you will want to go increasingly further until possibly living full time. Also, unlike the SAs you wife also knows you deeply and fundamentally as your male self (the male that you have willingly been throughout your marriage), and any other presentation might feel like a costume of sorts to her, in other words not your real self or certainly not the person that she knows.

The SAs, nail techs, photographers, etc, accept you because you are a source of income for them. It is to their benefit to provide you with services and also they do not feel threatened by the CDing since it does not impact their personal lives. They also met you as Leslie and they have no other point of reference. If you had been going to a hair stylist for 30 years in male mode and decided to grow your hair and see her on a regular basis as Leslie, how long would it take her to really see you as Leslie, as opposed to your male-self in drag? Would she feel uncomfortable?

Also, if these women's husbands or boyfriends were to come out to them, how accepting would they be in their own relationships? What is the age difference between the women you speak of and your wife? If some are older women, how well would they embrace a son-in-law who crossdresses, if their daughters had difficulty with it?

I'm worried that your frustration and hurt over the status quo in your marriage (especially when you compare your wife to the other GGs you've met) will cause a build-up of resentments that will eventually poison the quality of your marriage.

You did say that marital counseling has only been marginally successful, but would you consider trying someone else, who might be more effective at getting each of you to understand the other's points of view, at least so that neither one of you will be resentful of the other?