"Im so tired of needing to always be a man"

[PaulaQ]

Paula, why did you marry two women who couldn't handle you being at all sensitive or emotional? That's a serious question -- did you believe at the time that you could go through the rest of your life being the strong, stoic one? Or did you think they would change?

I didn't realize that's what I was getting myself into - my second wife was VERY independent. When we met. When we moved in together, for example, she wanted to split the rent and bills 50/50, even though I made about 3x her income. She got pissed off at me for trying to setup the VCR, instead of letting her do it. She had her own job and career path. I always encouraged her to educate herself and encouraged her to pursue a career and her dreams. She seemed so strong when I met her. She changed, or maybe I overlooked something fundamental, or maybe I somehow undermined her, in the most loving, but enabling way.

I don't have an answer to that question, and I know I need to address it. I'm trying to fit in some codependence support groups, or al-anon (both deal with this issue extensively), but my support group schedule is really full right now. So that may have to wait a little bit - I seem to be at my limit of things I can work on about myself currently. I am very aware and concerned about this however, and I fully intend to come to an understanding of it, such as I can. I'd really like to do this sooner, rather than later.

Also, about the workplace, I should say that women aren't allowed to cry there either. Not anywhere I've ever worked, anyway.

No, they are not allowed to do that either. But while a woman who cries at work will be seen as "weak", a man who cries will be seen as having a complete meltdown. The corporate world is pretty cruel to everyone, and neglect of your family and social life are actively encouraged in many corporations. We are all supposed to be little emotionless drones, doing our job, while the sociopaths who frequently rule us rage on.

Paula, isn't it fair to say that you only thought you were a CDer? perhaps even hoped you were a CDer! but in reality you were TS... right? I mean, CDers don't just suddenly become TSes, you either are or you are not.

1. I believe I acknowledged this.
2. every TS I know who CDed at an early age wanted to be "just a cross dresser." Do you think that some number of the folks on this forum are any different? You want to know how you can tell the "future" TS girls apart from the "just a CDer?" You can't. (Believe me, plenty of folks on the TS forum here flatly told me that I wasn't a TS, but a CD. Either they were wrong, or the system is broken, and I'm insane. Take your pick.) Why then would my experience be irrelevant?

More to the point, what part of being terrified of discovery, and hiding something fundamental about myself seems fundamentally different between a CDing TS and a CDer? The gay guys in my LGBT AA group often have very similar experiences of hiding and shame. I'm not a gay man, but I totally understand how they feel. Hiding something fundamental about how you are is a horrible and negating experience.

I find it fascinating that women who tell others, before they start transition, "be prepared to lose everything" (which is sound advice!), feel free to tell fearful gender variant individuals who are at some unknown place on the spectrum "oh you go girl! Dip your toes in the water! It's all GOOD!"

What is up with that? Were you never afraid?

edit: one last note - it isn't so much that I think BT's suggestions are unhelpful, particularly coming from someone who has no firsthand experience with the matter. Hey, for some people, what she suggests might work. It was the condescension implied in the word "pity" that really sets me off. NO ONE on this forum is any less, nor is there suffering any less real than ANY TS.