Days I Truly Regret Coming Out

[GretchenM]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I don't know the details and that is where the rubber hits the road in finding a solution. But after 50 years of marriage, less a few months, I can say that my wife and I have always found a way to compromise. Finding that middle ground requires a lot of good, but heart wrenching communication. A moderator in the form of a marriage counselor is a good option. Forget about her getting some advice from a gender specialist because she is not likely to swim in that pond, especially at this point. It really isn't a matter of her understanding your position; it is a matter of understanding each other's position and gender is not an issue there, especially for her. Gender is not the total person; it is only a piece of the whole. Important, but still just a piece.

I certainly would like to do more with my gender, but the love for my wife and the love she has for me far outweighs the importance of the gender issues. I almost always play the middle ground of my gender range and pretty much ignore each end of that range. Is it ideal for me? Not at all. But it is better for the larger world.

That said, we are all different and some of us are so gender reversed that middle ground doesn't really work and creates a lot of dysphoria. The truth is, breakups over this issue are common, but some flexibility on both sides can help. To me it was all a matter of adaptation. Finding a combination that fell far short of what I want but is satisfactory to others was a solution to peace. I have never told many family members that I am trans; I don't need to. They know. But any pressure on them to accept me as a woman is never imposed. Of course, that is me and I am not you. But I believe there is always a middle ground - it is just a question of whether you want to live in Middleville, USA and whether you can be at least partially satisfied with that. I sacrifice a lot of myself for others and for the peace, but they also sacrifice something to accept that I am a bit of a different person.

I never present fully as a woman in front of anyone in my family. They know I do sometimes or at least suspect it. To me, that is crossing the line. So, I make do with a bit of this and a bit of that; enough to let others know that the she in me is alive and well but at the same time I make recognition that when they look at me they see a man. I give them that, but my strong feminine inner identity concentrates on who she is and not how she looks. To her bits and pieces of her expression are fine. In the past they weren't but she has learned that bits and pieces are what are acceptable and she has adapted to that provided there is time to be herself in a more private setting where it is just her and her masculine companion identity who has gone from hating her to appreciating and loving what she brings to the total person. I also try hard to engage in the feminine role but in a masculine way - it is appreciated. In the day to day chores I try hard to be my wife's equal. She appreciates it. But again. That's me and nobody else. The point is I am flexible and adaptive without imposing in an attempt to have my ideal at the expense of others.

Just some thoughts. My heart goes out to you. Open your heart and mind to the wider picture and I am sure you will find a solution, even though that solution may ultimately bring an end to a long and fruitful marriage. I am Gretchen in behavior and not so much in appearance. Took a while to catch on to that. The point is, long lived marriages have an underlying strength and bond that can create understanding through compromise and giving a little on both sides without forcing anybody to do or accept something they really don't want to do or accept.