An outburst from a new member.

[jujudreaming]

The first bolded sentence is confusing, and I have no clue as to what you are trying to convey.

The second bolded statement I quoted is a definite RED FLAG indicating you should find another therapist! I cannot imagine ANY competent therapist suggesting that you sneak around your spouses back, and against her wishes! That's just gonna lead to trouble.

The first one I mentioned is that in other aspects of the marriage we do well in general, of course all couples have one or another problem that I consider simpler at the moment..

about therapy is complicated because while she thinks I should satisfy my desire, but I think she imagines that I'm practicing maybe that desire disappears. I also don't know if it's the best way and I have doubts.

I think what you have to realize is that she probably never “accepted” it. She probably tolerated it. Some women make the mistake of getting into a relationship with men with “flaws” thinking that they can correct the behavior, and I’m guessing this is close to your situation. She probably figured she could change you or you’d grow out of it or whatever. Let me warn you that I don’t think your relationship is in a good place right now.

I think this is true because she already mentioned it, that she thought I would change. In fact, it was never 100% acceptance at first.

As a psychotherapist since the mid 70's, let me offer a couple of thoughts to consider.

I'm not sure what problem you went to your therapist with, but it doesn't sound like you are getting it addressed satisfactorily. It doesn't sound like your crossdressing is your problem. It sounds like your situation with your wife is the problem. Dressing in your therapist's office doesn't seem to be addressing anything effectively. I doubt it is very satisfactory for you, and doesn't address the real problem at all.

In your writings, so far, (and, that is all we have to go on.), it seems that your dressing is "Ego Syntonic". In other words, you are OK with it. (The opposite is Ego Dystonic. That means that you are doing something that you do not like, and possibly would like to stop doing.)

I am loath to make too many suggestion to someone who is not my patient. But, in my experience, many couples choose an arena in which to fight because the real problem is seen as potentially fatal to the relationship. This is seen by a competent therapist as a good thing. First, it means the "arena" they are fighting in is not seen as a killer situation. And, the choice to pick an "arena", rather than chance destroying the relationship, often means that they are both invested in maintaining the relationship.

In your situation, it sounds like fighting over your crossdressing is preferable to addressing something else that scares both of you even more.

The first psychiatrist I ever worked for taught me the psychotherapy "rule of threes". He always asked a new patient to list three things that the pt. wanted addressed. He said that they almost always listed something safe to talk about as number one. The real problem was usually number three. (I won't bore you with the techniques to engage, but you get the idea.)

I found his counsel to be very effective over my entire career.

Good luck.

This wasn't the first issue I brought up in therapy, I have issues with anxiety, problems with my mom, and one of the first issues I brought up in therapy was the fact that I was abused as a child.
In fact, dressing in the office hasn't satisfied my desire, because I'm in front of someone with whom I'm not intimate enough to act as I'd like. I'm shy and not very comfortable.
as I said in an answer above, I think the therapist imagines that she can "cure" me by letting me get my wish and maybe it will go away little by little.
about the ego i say that if i could choose i didn't want to have that wish, i feel guilty, especially after i fulfill it.
in fact both of us have done our best to maintain the marriage, I try not to pester her. She tries to please me in other ways.

i appreciate all your words, i know i may sound contradictory in some answers but if i knew all the answers i wouldn't be here venting, am i right?
Thanks

I am with VtVicky, in fact I was going to mention this before I read all the responses, but I to have to wonder if there is not some other friction in the marriage and this is the easiest one to pick on.

You both need counseling, not just about your desire to dress, but to get you marriage back on track. My bet there is something else going on and the relationship isn't very solid. My bet is you both have moved apart over the years. Jobs and family get in between the husband and wife and slowly erode the relationship.

When was the last time you two went on a "date", just the two of you, no friends. Just the two of you and a quiet dinner, a walk in the park, just some quiet time together and sit and talk.

My wife jokes about our dates to the home center to buy stuff for remodel projects. We walk around the store, look at different things and just visit. Once in a while we end up sitting in the garden center, sitting on deck furniture and talking.

We have been married for 38 years and dating for forty years.

in fact our marriage is solid, we never part, we never sleep a night without talking. But there are some problems like the question of when we had a date just the two of us. I guarantee you it was before my daughter was born.
We even went out but with our daughter, alone it has been a long time since we went out. I believe that due to the xdress problem she is a little passive, and for things to happen in bed depend more on my attitude, she has little attitude, I sometimes miss a demonstration of desire on her part. I don't know if it's because of her self-esteem. Congratulations on her lasting relationship, I appreciate that.

I agree we have to be understanding that the women in our life are tolerating this. She did not grow up dreaming that prince charming would want to dress as a princess. Now with the little one she has a protective instinct that is every bit as strong as your instinct to dress. Just focus on your marriage and be happy with that. In my experience women are naturally empathetic to most things they don't find threatening. It might take time but my guess is that if you want her to continue to accept this part of you then you will need to do your part for however long you have to so that she knows you are committed to being her partner and keeping the family safe.

I understand your point, and that's what I've been trying to do lately, the problem is that sometimes it's frustrating to wait without knowing, the truth is that I feed the desire for her to give in. I have to be the best husband and father for them while I wait.

You didn't say how old your child is.
I would suggest the old adage, "having a child changes everything".
Perhaps she's looking at a bigger picture than you are. She may be considering your child, it's growth, your desires and finding that they all don't mesh.

Talk to her.
You are married. This is a partnership and you have to be able to talk to each other with Every concern and work together to grow your marriage and care for the well being of your child. If you can't talk to each other and work together then there's only one solution ...

is 8 years old, we try to do our best for our daughter because she is not to blame for any of this, so we try not to let it affect her.

It sounds to me like your marriage is in trouble. Marriages only work when both partners communicate and r willing to compromise.

Juju, u make it sound like your wife's the boss and u do her bidding. My ex became that way years after we married. (It didn't involve CDing.) Over the years I began to just put up with her rants rather than get into arguments. When we tried couples therapy, I found out my resentment to her tyranny had built to the breaking point. But, when I began speaking up, it was too late! She was too used to getting her way and wouldn't compromise! Result? End of marriage!

Don't make the same mistake I did. Stand up for yourself!

And that's true, sometimes I feel like she's my mother. To avoid clashes I keep the unpleasant conversations and this has done me wrong. I avoid it because I don't want a divorce. And somehow she manages to manipulate me into getting that way.

I'm with Sherry on this one. After my kids were born, my first wife became the self styled boss. It is unfortunately all too common that a woman enters marriage with an agenda. Thinking it's just easier to play along and hope that things might improve is a fool's game, it will never get better without outside help and even then the chances are pitiful. Seeing as your wife knew what she was getting into from the beginning, there is no justification for her behaviour (we are assuming that you really are a dutiful husband).

I have a friend who is going through this now, wife knew from the third date and was totally fine with it. These days it is just animosity towards the dressing despite it not being frequent and let me tell you my friend is the epitome of wonderful husbands, very hard worker and massively helpful around the house.

my wedding happens something like that, really.

I have to way in here. I kind of have the same situation. Early years of being together we went out together, good fun. Kids came along and that kind of stopped. Then I was told that she was not a supporter and didn't want to see me dressed. I understand so into I went. Now I have a storage locker which works fine. I guess mine situation is different in the fact that the wife says she doesn't care, I don't if thats true or not but it works out. I am thinking about pushing the situation and just saying I'm going out to my support group and then go dress and go out. I kind of think I should step out a little more. Now I have been with my with this woman 40+ years. So I think all will be fine I just have to get over my guilt about dressing.
So my advice is get a locker maybe a support group and couples counseling Good luck its a tough situation

sometimes I think if she would just allow me to do that, sometimes I would be more satisfied, but maybe just for a little acceptance from herself. I see myself as selfish with this desire but I don't do it, even so sometimes I see it as selfish for depriving me of it. Don't let me get dressed even alone.
I think I wanted as little acceptance as possible from her, so it doesn't seem like I'm the only one giving in to marriage, that's a point, because as I've already mentioned, I take medications that are affecting my libido, and so my desire to dress this minor, but I miss that approval, almost like a token of love, I know I'm wrong to think like that.