Attraction in Relationships

[Caroline]

I see a lot of things on this message board from cross dressers who say that this is who they are, it's natural, get over it. Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but it seems like a lot of CDers can't understand why a GG SO would have a problem with it. I'd like to shed a little light.

A lot of what a relationship is comes from attraction. You are attracted to your partner in various ways. You are attracted to their personality, their aspirations and goals, how they treat you. You are also attracted to how they look and act.

Very true

When we, all of us, get in a relationship, our decision to be with someone is largely based on those attractions. If cross dressing is introduced years after the start of a relationship, attraction can be the biggest issue.

I would have thought that there were more important issues involved, such as the feeling that one had been misled by one's partner from the beginning.

If the most important aspect of the relationship was the external appearance of one's partner, then the relationship is doomed once age and infirmity begin to take hold - not to mention accidents or illnesses which cause physical changes.

Essentially, the cross dresser is introducing a lot of new behavior and appearances.

So does age, infirmity, illnesses, maturity and many other things.

Where we were attracted to your rough appearance, you are now clean and hair free. Where we were attracted to your strength, you are now much more feminine and light.

That is a generalisation, and many would disputed it, even if the terms used were adequately defined and true of all CDs.

A lot of attraction also comes from how you, all of us, look. I, for example, like men. I don't find women attractive. I'm not bi or gay. This can be a problem. Although you as cross dressers ARE men, when you are presenting as women, SOs like me have a hard time finding you attractive. We may even be repulsed. It isn't because you're a crossdresser, but because we just don't like girls.

Fully understandable, and something that you have to explore with your particular partner to work out a modus vivendi for you both.

Another thing, for me and others, is that I don't like people (romantically) who are prissy. I am not attracted to people who like frilly things and like to prance and wear heals and makeup. Even if you are obviously a guy, and aren't trying to be a woman, this is still unattractive.

Once again that is how your feel - and you are entitled to do so - but it is not true for everyone.

Yes, there are some ladies who like this. These are then the relationships with the most acceptance. But, if you are with a GG SO who is straight and likes her man to be at least somewhat manly, then there will be a problem.

Agreed, which is why I think that CDs should be totally frank with their prospective girlfriends/partners/wives to be from the very beginning - i.e. the second date. Then the partner has a chance to decide whether to continue with the relationship or not, but if she does so then she has entered it with open eyes and in full knowledge.

A lot of us GGs don't actually have a problem with cross dressers. We don't hate you or think what you are doing is wrong.

Glad to hear it, and it accord with my own findings too.

It's all about the attraction factor. By introducing cross dressing into the relationship, you are taking away some of her attraction to you. And where a big problem comes in is if you start to change how even your man side looks. If you start thinning your eyebrows, you will look MUCH more feminine, and this will always be the case because it's not like you can take off or put on new eyebrows on a whim. In these situations we look at you and see the feminine side even when you aren't wearing a dress. Then it's like a part of you is unattractive all of the time.

Which is why the CDing should have been mentioned at the beginning and discussed fully before the woman became committed.

Now, this may change over time. She may become attracted to that female part of you. In the meantime, you maybe might understand where she's coming from and cut her a bit of slack.

It always takes two to tango, as they say, and you are quite right that there has to be give and take. However, a lot of the problems would probably have been obviated if the CDer had been open right from the beginning, so that the partner didn't meet with a situation they didn't expect some years down the line. To put myself in your shoes, as it were, if I was not a CDer and my partner suddenly told me some years into our relationship that she wanted to shave her head, adopt male clothing, and behave in a macho way, then I'd have some difficulty in dealing with it, so I do understand your position.

Also, this attraction thing can happen with other changes. For example, I don't really like the hip hop culture of baggy jeans and bad English and attitudes. If my guy started being like that, I'd have a problem because I think it's unattractive.

I can not only understand that, I can empathise with it, as I've tried to show by my above comment.

Hopefully I've shed some light on where us as GG SOs are coming from.

Sobe

Yes you have, but I think that the real issue is the lack honesty that some CDers show their partners from the beginning, and that they frequently only admit the truth when caught out or when the partner has invested a great deal in the relationship and is fully committed.

I hope things work out for you.