Crossdressing is all about me

If I want to stay healthy and not become the queen of denial, I have to admit that it is very much about me and selfish.

Yes there can be benefits to others like: It helps me be happier, and because of my happiness I am nicer to my SO etc. etc.

I did not take up crossdressing because it was good for my SO but because I love and enjoy it. It fulfills my desire, needs, etc.

This pertains only to me, but if you can relate great. If I am not careful I can really go overboard. It can become so important and cause me to be self absorbed. I have written in another thread "The dangers of crossdressing" as they pertain to me.

Selfishness gone wild is always the danger for me. It takes shape in spending and shopping sprees. Too much time on the internet and CD sites. Too much time just thinking about it when not en femme. When it becomes too important, at leaste for me, it becomes a curse instead of the blessing.

I have to maintain the balance and no one else can do it for me. I look out for signs. Is my SO feeling neglected. Has she commented on my spending too much time.

The signs help me to know if I am out of control.

Again, I write this solely from my experience and I do not expect it to be a panacea for others.

I call a spade a spade and crossdressing is selfish by nature. It is about my pleasures and desires. When these take over and make me very self absorbed I am in trouble.

This is one of the reasons I believe many of our crossdressing friends burn out and get down and then comes the purging etc.

I don't want to put the genie back in the bottle I just always want to be able to curb my enthusiasm. I have to be able to control the genie and not let the genie control me. For my own good.

Too much of a good thing is not good for me. There is a big picture to my life, and crossdressing is part of it but when it becomes all of it I need to take stock.

So far so good. I have been keeping things balanced and writing this thread is part of my therapy, so I thank you for letting me share.:love:

I agree with you Rita, all about me and selfish - I am vain and narcisistic. Left my wife out of the equation for quite a while now - still in the pink fog. Going to take a week off Mitch mode because it's half term - I want to give her my attention and remind myself how much I love and need her!

Mitch

Maybe it's because I'm an old lady and I started CDing late in life. But I've thrown "being in control" out the window.
Selfish, I don't know. I still try to befriend other people and help where I can, the only difference is, now I'm wearing a skirt.

Many years ago, I was attending a lecture and the speaker said, "Yes, this is a selfish program. Because, if you can't help yourself, you can't help anyone else."

So, if never being in denial, loving myself, being aware and accepting who I am, and sharing my love with others, is selfish, so be it.

Since I've gone from unaware, to acceptence, to pink fog, to being a "normal lady" in a matter of months, I just live my life as a fem person 24/7, and love it.

Right you are Rita---CDing is the ultimate in selfish activities because it is really just about us.

Part of the problem is the possibility of losing sight of our primary goals in life Rita. This is true especially in connection with our SO's and our sharing hopes and dreams with them. To be successful, we need to put everything into perspective and that includes CDing. This means prioritizing things according to importance. Like anything we love doing, it's a "nice to have" but not essential for living. We are who we are regardless of our ability to express it but certainly enjoy it when we can.

The danger of the "pink fog" exists and is a potential threat to our family happiness because it can take us over so very easily. The wise person, however, will use all of his assets, including loved ones, to ensure it's kept in it's proper place. No one ever has to go it alone though, especially when we have so many caring friends here. Nice to know that.:happy:

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Originally Posted by Mitch23

I agree with you Rita, all about me and selfish - I am vain and narcisistic. Left my wife out of the equation for quite a while now - still in the pink fog. Going to take a week off Mitch mode because it's half term - I want to give her my attention and remind myself how much I love and need her!

Mitch

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Great Mitch !!!
For some of us, when dressing takes over there are others in our life that can be neglected. I always need to remember that my Wife has to be more important or I am not living up to my vows and commitment.

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Originally Posted by Brianna Lovely

Maybe it's because I'm an old lady and I started CDing late in life. But I've thrown "being in control" out the window.
Selfish, I don't know. I still try to befriend other people and help where I can, the only difference is, now I'm wearing a skirt.

Many years ago, I was attending a lecture and the speaker said, "Yes, this is a selfish program. Because, if you can't help yourself, you can't help anyone else."

So, if never being in denial, loving myself, being aware and accepting who I am, and sharing my love with others, is selfish, so be it.

Since I've gone from unaware, to acceptence, to pink fog, to being a "normal lady" in a matter of months, I just live my life as a fem person 24/7, and love it.

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Thanks for sharing Brianna, and like I mentioned this thread is only my opinion and applies to my life and others who can relate. I do not live my life as fem person 24/7, so my circumstances maybe somewhat different. I also do not choose to live 24/7 because it would not work for me. My SO would not be fulfilled with me living en femme 24/7 so I have never considered it, and my wife is the most important person in my life.

I am very happy for your situtation and how fulfilling it is for you.

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Originally Posted by MsJanessa

Right you are Rita---CDing is the ultimate in selfish activities because it is really just about us.

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Hi MsJanessa, as far as I am concerned it definitely is about us. It is something that fulfills me and something I started doing only considering me. I am not stopping, but it is good for me to keep things in perspective, as far as my life is concerned. My life is not just mine because in my view, in marriage we belong to each other and are one.

Rita,
Great post. I totally agree. Many things in life require perspective and balance, including crossdressing. I love to fly fish too, but if I spent every waking hour tying flies and every weekend on the water, I would be neglecting my wife and kids. The same goes for CDing, we must use some common sense and put the needs of our loved ones first. That is why communication is so important. I think too many of us who have supportive SO's sometimes think that their support is a license to do what we want when we want. Many get in trouble with this attitude. Communication, compromise, and love is the key.

Rita, you've got it exactly right!

This is a selfish thing, it can get too big, it can alienate those around us, we don't want to put the genie back in the bottle.

You said it best with 'balance' ---WE must maintain a balance.

cheers to you, and hugs for all!!

-Kris

Rita, You read my mind and spoke my thoughts. Balance is the key word in my life. I have been going out since 1977. But the whole time my family always came first. If there was a CD event and a family function on the same date, the family always came first. It still does.
I just got back from 4 days enfemme in Provincetown. I was in heaven up there. I started going there 10 years ago for my yearly getaway. You are so right that CDing is a somewhat selfish act. My wife has known for over 25yrs and still wants no part of it. It is hard at times, but If I can get out that 1x a month I am reasonably sane, well at least I think so. Thanks for your post.

Yours Terri

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Originally Posted by Lovely Rita

If I want to stay healthy and not become the queen of denial, I have to admit that (my crossdressing) is very much about me and selfish.

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You know I deeply respect you, Rita, but I'm wondering if you are being way too hard and one-sided?!!! Crossdressing is more than "there can be benefits to others." CDing is also not just something most of us "decides" to "take up." The "pink fog" is extremely selfish, but most find their way through this -- sometimes with, and sometimes sans, help from another. Going overboard and self-absorbtion are dangerous!!! Balance IS a necessary element to a healthy, happy life. Crossdressing can be "done right."

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Originally Posted by MsJanessa

CDing is the ultimate in selfish activities because it is really just about us.

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Guess I'm trying to say that this is one possible outcome, but it doesn't have to be the only potential outcome!!! It all comes full-circle to balance!!!

There is another reason to beware of the Pink Fog...a selfish reason :D

After years of struggle for both of us my wife now seems to be accepting, even supportive. We recently attended a couple of trans events and she was cool about them...even enjoyed them, she said. I'm tempted to get out femme every weekend now, perhaps even more...after all she is OK with it...right ?

Wrong ! Next weekend is for her and her husband. I'm sure that if I dragged her to every tg event going she would soon get tg burn out and begin to wonder if we are ever going to get his/her time again. I want to show her that I do care about her happiness as well as mine. That way I will, hopefully, continue to get her support for my own selfish needs.

Rita you are so right. But the key is balance. We all need to have selfish pleasures whether we admit it or not. But those of us in relationships always have a duty to accommodate the selfish pleasures of the other (and if possible share them!). It's hard but when you get it right the rewards are immense.
Ruth

I object!! (Bangs gavel.....Order Order!!)

You make it sound like it's crossdressing that is the problem. As if it is some terrible thing that takes you over. But pink fog aside, it is no more or less an evil than golf, or fishing, or football, or any other activity that gives you pleasure.


Any activity that is not possible to truly share with anyone else (and maybe you don't want to anyway) is ALL ABOUT ME!

Watching the sport on tv is ALL ABOUT ME!
Reading a book is ALL ABOUT ME.

And so on.

It's when you do it all the time the problems start.

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Originally Posted by Lovely Rita

I call a spade a spade and crossdressing is selfish by nature.

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Any human being is selfish by nature. If you are not, you are a zombie.

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It is about my pleasures and desires.

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See, zombies have no pleasure and desires, they are dull. World is full of zombies.

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When these take over and make me very self absorbed I am in trouble.

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This is the problem. The lack of balance, not the selfishness.

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Originally Posted by Salandra

Part of the problem is the possibility of losing sight of our primary goals in life Rita. This is true especially in connection with our SO's and our sharing hopes and dreams with them. To be successful, we need to put everything into perspective and that includes CDing. This means prioritizing things according to importance. Like anything we love doing, it's a "nice to have" but not essential for living. We are who we are regardless of our ability to express it but certainly enjoy it when we can.

The danger of the "pink fog" exists and is a potential threat to our family happiness because it can take us over so very easily. The wise person, however, will use all of his assets, including loved ones, to ensure it's kept in it's proper place. No one ever has to go it alone though, especially when we have so many caring friends here. Nice to know that.:happy:

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Hey Sally, thanks for the insight. The point about the pink fog that you so aptly put is what I have to be careful about. The take over aspect is what I am guarding against. Again, as it pertains to me.

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Originally Posted by Melissa Anne

Rita,
Great post. I totally agree. Many things in life require perspective and balance, including crossdressing. I love to fly fish too, but if I spent every waking hour tying flies and every weekend on the water, I would be neglecting my wife and kids. The same goes for CDing, we must use some common sense and put the needs of our loved ones first. That is why communication is so important. I think too many of us who have supportive SO's sometimes think that their support is a license to do what we want when we want. Many get in trouble with this attitude. Communication, compromise, and love is the key.

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Exactly, Malissa, and it is important to keep in mind that the married cds have a totally different set of circumstances which may not be applicable to all.

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Originally Posted by krisinpink

Rita, you've got it exactly right!

This is a selfish thing, it can get too big, it can alienate those around us, we don't want to put the genie back in the bottle.

You said it best with 'balance' ---WE must maintain a balance.

cheers to you, and hugs for all!!

-Kris

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Thanks Kris, yes the balance is so very important. Because I am married I have to operate under different rules because I am not just living for myself.

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Originally Posted by TerriM

Rita, You read my mind and spoke my thoughts. Balance is the key word in my life. I have been going out since 1977. But the whole time my family always came first. If there was a CD event and a family function on the same date, the family always came first. It still does.
I just got back from 4 days enfemme in Provincetown. I was in heaven up there. I started going there 10 years ago for my yearly getaway. You are so right that CDing is a somewhat selfish act. My wife has known for over 25yrs and still wants no part of it. It is hard at times, but If I can get out that 1x a month I am reasonably sane, well at least I think so. Thanks for your post.

Yours Terri

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Hey Terri, thanks for sharing. I like what you said, family must always come first. Glad that you can enjoy your cding when you can.

I've always dressed for me. Life is short. Be good to yourself. You're only here once!

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Originally Posted by Sheri 4242

You know I deeply respect you, Rita, but I'm wondering if you are being way too hard and one-sided?!!! Crossdressing is more than "there can be benefits to others." CDing is also not just something most of us "decides" to "take up." The "pink fog" is extremely selfish, but most find their way through this -- sometimes with, and sometimes sans, help from another. Going overboard and self-absorbtion are dangerous!!! Balance IS a necessary element to a healthy, happy life. Crossdressing can be "done right."




Guess I'm trying to say that this is one possible outcome, but it doesn't have to be the only potential outcome!!! It all comes full-circle to balance!!!

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Hey Sheri, yes it is all about balance. I like I prefaced the thread I wanted to be clear about how this pertained to me and does not fit everyone's experience, but maybe others can relate. I have an addictive personality and I can very easily go overboard on anything I am involved in. I always need to analyze and watch myself very carefully. I can become self absorbed at the expense of the person most important to me.

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Originally Posted by Lilith

There is another reason to beware of the Pink Fog...a selfish reason :D

After years of struggle for both of us my wife now seems to be accepting, even supportive. We recently attended a couple of trans events and she was cool about them...even enjoyed them, she said. I'm tempted to get out femme every weekend now, perhaps even more...after all she is OK with it...right ?

Wrong ! Next weekend is for her and her husband. I'm sure that if I dragged her to every tg event going she would soon get tg burn out and begin to wonder if we are ever going to get his/her time again. I want to show her that I do care about her happiness as well as mine. That way I will, hopefully, continue to get her support for my own selfish needs.

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Very well put Lilith and it is posts like yours that serve to remind and support me on my quest for balance. Glad you are considering your wife.

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Originally Posted by Ruth

Rita you are so right. But the key is balance. We all need to have selfish pleasures whether we admit it or not. But those of us in relationships always have a duty to accommodate the selfish pleasures of the other (and if possible share them!). It's hard but when you get it right the rewards are immense.
Ruth

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Hey Ruth, I agree. Everyone has their own hobbies and particular interests, and what I was trying to convey was being careful that this particular interest did not take over and get me out of control. I always have to check for balance.

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Originally Posted by Julie York

I object!! (Bangs gavel.....Order Order!!)

You make it sound like it's crossdressing that is the problem. As if it is some terrible thing that takes you over. But pink fog aside, it is no more or less an evil than golf, or fishing, or football, or any other activity that gives you pleasure.


Any activity that is not possible to truly share with anyone else (and maybe you don't want to anyway) is ALL ABOUT ME!

Watching the sport on tv is ALL ABOUT ME!
Reading a book is ALL ABOUT ME.

And so on.

It's when you do it all the time the problems start.

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Thanks your honor, but I would like to remind the court that I was sharing about my particular journey and was not trying to say it was for everyone.

Secondly, Crossdressing for many is an activity a bit different from watching sports, which in some cases could possibly have the participation of kids, and wives. Crossdressing comes from solitary and secret origins. The fact that it can become acceptable with supportive partners is a bonus but for the most part it is my needs and my desires that drive it, so it is selfish. Yes, there are many things that can be construed as self interests but this particular one has different charachteristics because it is rarily practiced openly, like watching a game on TV. Many of our wives have to adapt and become accustomed to it and so we need to be considerate. When it becomes pink fog and obsessive like anything else it can be destructive. Just like the guy who just sits in front of the tv all day watching sports or drinks all day etc.

Crossdressing is not the only selfish activity we can engage in but it is selfish. If all you did was read a book all day at the exclusion of others in your life then that could be as destructive too. Everything in moderation is ok according to human wisdom, but it is when we go overboard the problems start. Crossdressing is all about me, and I just have to be careful not to let it become all encompassing. Now I remind the court that I share this as it pertains to me. It is not one size fits all pantyhose.

I rest my case.

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Originally Posted by Marla S

Any human being is selfish by nature. If you are not, you are a zombie.

See, zombies have no pleasure and desires, they are dull. World is full of zombies.


This is the problem. The lack of balance, not the selfishness.

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Marla, I agree that we are selfish by nature. The degree we allow that selfishness to grow and take over is what I am mindful of.

I plan to crossdress as long as I have the desire to, but I also plan to find the balance so that my SO is also fulfilled and blessed in our marriage.

I no longer just belong to me. I belong to her too, so I have to be considerate of her even before me. I took a vow to cherish her above all else.

The right to exist as a human being is not selfish. Its easy to be browbeat into a one sided idea of balance and engage in self-flagellation anytime you have to exist because it doesn't conform to anothers timetable. If children are involved its time to teach them that not everyone is the same and perhaps stop raising more closed-minded individuals.

Crossdressing is no more selfish then being, gay, asian, black, canadian, terminally ill, or short.

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Originally Posted by jaina

The right to exist as a human being is not selfish. Its easy to be browbeat into a one sided idea of balance and engage in self-flagellation anytime you have to exist because it doesn't conform to anothers timetable.

Crossdressing is no more selfish then being, gay, asian, black, canadian, terminally ill, or short.

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Thanks Jaina, I don't quite agree but respect your point of view. I am dealing with crossdressing and the part it plays in my life and speak from that point of view. I can crossdress and maintain a very happy life and also keep a very happy wife, but my thread is based on keeping a balance for myself, so that I will not suffer the deleterious effects that can occur when the so called "pink fog", takes over my life.

I write from my perspective and my experience and not the experience of others. My crossdressing can become very destructive if I do not keep the proper balance as so aptly put by the others who posted.

This is not necessarily the case for everyone, but it definitely is for me.

Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by Lovely Rita

I plan to crossdress as long as I have the desire to, but I also plan to find the balance so that my SO is also fulfilled and blessed in our marriage.

I no longer just belong to me. I belong to her too, so I have to be considerate of her even before me. I took a vow to cherish her above all else.

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That could sound a bit non-romantic, but giving your wive the attention and love she deserves is a selfish act too.

Selfish, because it makes you feel good once you did, which you realize if you don't ... then you feel bad.
It could help to realize that loving someone and caring for him/her is a great feeling too ... learn, re-learn that feeling, watch it, observe it, enjoy it.
So, be selfish as hell ;), but avoid to be to too self-absorbed.

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Originally Posted by Marla S

That could sound a bit non-romantic, but giving your wive the attention and love she deserves is a selfish act too.

Selfish, because it makes you feel good once you did, which you realize if you don't ... then you feel bad.
It could help to realize that loving someone and caring for him/her is a great feeling too ... learn, re-learn that feeling, watch it, observe it, enjoy it.
So, be selfish as hell ;), but avoid to be to too self-absorbed.

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Thanks Marla, in my journey their is no greater love than considering the needs of someone else, especially my wife, before my own needs, so the motivation is more SELFLESS in this case. More in keeping with the definition of love that I have accepted that I have posted below.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Originally Posted by Lovely Rita

so the motivation is more SELFLESS in this case. More in keeping with the definition of love that I have accepted that I have posted below.

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We might just have a bit different definitions of selfish and selfless or of cause and effect respectively, but I think we mean essentially the same.

As you said to qualify your post, I can relate to what you say. It's hard for me to express how I feel about CDing. I only know that I love it when I'm doing it, or thinking, or conversing about it. But I'm not sure that it's a selfish activity. If I can't get my wife to participate with me does that mean shouldn't pursue it on my own? I mean, what about the "sports widows" who lose their husbands to their hobbies. Other pastimes can also get expensive and time consuming. I still feel some guilt associated with my CDing but not to the extent I used to.

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Originally Posted by Marla S

We might just have a bit different definitions of selfish and selfless or of cause and effect respectively, but I think we mean essentially the same.

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So we essentially disagree to agree...lol.....just kidding. It could very well be that we mean the same thing.

Always great hearing from you and I value these exchanges.:hugs:

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Originally Posted by megan163

As you said to qualify your post, I can relate to what you say. It's hard for me to express how I feel about CDing. I only know that I love it when I'm doing it, or thinking, or conversing about it. But I'm not sure that it's a selfish activity. If I can't get my wife to participate with me does that mean shouldn't pursue it on my own? I mean, what about the "sports widows" who lose their husbands to their hobbies. Other pastimes can also get expensive and time consuming. I still feel some guilt associated with my CDing but not to the extent I used to.

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Hey Megan, I am not against crossdressing alone or otherwise. I was really trying to express my challange when it comes to overdoing it.

I dress and plan to dress as long as I, my self wants too, but I am also very aware of the fact that I, me and only me or anyone else who can identify, intend to keep watch over it.

I tend to overdo everything, so when it comes to me I need to be careful. Everyone else needs to find their own comfort zone. Yours will be different from mine.

I am guilt free about my crossdressing, but I am aware of the fact that I can overdo it if I am not careful.

Again, this is only relating to me and my experience.:hugs: