"What he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her"
This isn't addressed to those who are single, but to those who have led their partner to believe that they were in a faithful and committed relationship.
As someone who was cheated on in my now former marriage, I can assure you that what one doesn't know can and does hurt them! I became physically ill when my husband's affair started, and it continued for months...I think subconsciously we know something is wrong and the stress affects our bodies. The pain and confusion associated with someone going outside the marriage is unbearable.
Further, when we have ASKED you if you ever thought of being with a guy and you have answered "no", it is all the more hurtful to learn that you actually fantasize about being with a guy. That is the one thing we can't be and shouldn't have to compete with. So many of you have stated how you wish you had a supportive GG...well, many of you do...but how supportive of a husband are you being when you fantasize about being with someone else?
To the single ones out there that are completely unattached, you're free to pursue whatever you want...to the rest, you've already made an obligation and if you can't live up to it, NOW is the time to tell your partner.
Apologies for the length, but I am addressing several points in the same post.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
What I do know is if you are insecure about the issue another person's fantasy revolves around then for sure you will think the worst and assume that the person will desire to make their fantasy reality.
It is not about feeling insecure about a partner's fantasies, but rather feeling insecure from within the relationship. Period. If a CDer should taylor his fantasies to involve his SO, there would be no cause for the insecurity. It is the remoteness that is hurtful. Jenny Aurora's post #294 beautifully describes the situation when she writes, "I think part of me was always emotionally unavailable to her [the gf] and there was probably quite a lot missing from the relationship that would of been there"
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
I find this analysis misses the target because of the assumption that CDs will suddenly stumble upon the fantasy during the marriage and this may lead to decreased sexual relations.
The sexual relations do decrease when, as you mention below, the fantasies become stronger and more attractive than the reality of having sex with the wife. The wife feels the increasing distance, and this causes her to retreat as well. It is a turnoff for a GG to feel that her husband is just going through the motions.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
Long before a CD marries the fantasy is already in place. It is hard then to argue that this is a contributing factor to a relationship breakup when it existed at the very start when presumably the sexual attraction was strong.
So the profound explanation of this thread is CDs do fantasize about sex with men as a woman and always have since their youth.
Then these CDs are not fully disclosing themselves to their GG partners when they initially say the CDing is only about the clothes or getting in touch with their feminine feelings (which a GG assumes is more about feelings of nurturing and caring, not a woman's sexual desire to be with a man). It is the non-disclosure and the erosion in trust that leads to insecurities. To blame the insecurities on the GG is not fair.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
In all relationships men and women end up taking each other for granted. Men and women cheat on each other equally. And the idea that women do it for love and affection and men for sex is a myth. Surveys show tons of women do it for the sex and tons of men do it for the love and affection. There is no gender divide on the reasons behind cheating. I believe a lot is being read into normal situation of people growing apart which would have occurred anyway.
Yes, it is difficult to keep a relationship exciting and alive over time, even without the CDing. You can then well imagine why, if the CDer unapologetically places increasing importance on the CDing and the fantasies involved with it, it makes it even more difficult for marriages to thrive.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
So as sexual relations decline as they inevitably do in a relationship, the fantasy becomes increasingly more attractive in comparison and the CD's sexual energy is diverted into the role playing. And unlike most men who will struggle to enact their fantasy with a young beautiful woman, a CD is only a wardrobe away from jumping down the rabbit hole. When fantasy role playing is easily and routinely accessible then the draw becomes even more powerful.
This is precisely why non-accepting GGs do not like the CDing. The dressing and the fantasies becomes the preferred activity above all else and as you say, "the CD's sexual energy is diverted into the role playing". The husband is not as motivated to work on their sexual issues since he has another outlet, and the GG feels this at a very deep level. This is when she realizes that the CDing is a lot more than just about the clothes.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
How does a woman compete against any fantasy of any man? Is she going to have extensive plastic surgery and make her sexually submissive so she can compete with the 18 year old model in the man's mind?
No, but she can emphasize her own sexuality and it is not such a stretch for the husband to meld both, the fantasy about a young hottie and the physical and emotional pleasure he has from making love to his wive, since both the hottie and the wife have the same body parts and they share the same gender role, and the husband does love his wife. In this case, the husband would not be turned off because the wife is the wrong gender.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
Truth is no-one can compete against another person's fantasy. Reality sucks compared to a fantasy so it really does not matter what the subject matter is, it does not affect the outcome.
I couldn't disagree more. In emotionally intimate relationships, people incorporate their fantasies together in their love making, and more importantly, their fantasies mesh rather than compete. As an non-gendered example, even in a BDSM relationship it takes a top and a bottom who each find gratification in their roles for the sparks to fly.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
Seems many women are preoccupied with fantasies too.
This might be because they are not getting much action from their husbands or, in a marriage with a CD that is still sexually active, the love making has become more a dutiful chore since as you said, it does not compare with the fantasy of being a woman with a man. Or, the love making has become all about the husband having his needs met as a woman and the wife feels like an accessory.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
These doubts about sexuality and transsexualism always remain nagging at the back of every GG's mind that maybe one day in the future things will change and her partner will want to go full time or will become attracted to men. The fear never fully goes away. So of course these threads will only convince some GGs that their fears are justified.
Precisely. Especially, as you've already noted, when the CDer increasingly becomes engaged in her fantasies of being a woman with a man. Do you not believe this to be the beginning of late onset transexualism? I am coming to the conclusion that a TS does not need to feel she needs SRS in order to be a TS. Not in this definition.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
Does generalizing about these matters mean you should stop seeing your partner as an individual and convict your partner as guilty without charge?
Since I am the GG who has predominately posted in the thread, I will take your remark as being addressed to me. And no, I am not convicting anyone, least of all my partner. :Angry3: My motive as I've stated all along was to bring a GG's POV to the situation in explaining that the emotional distance caused by the fantasies associated with the CDing do cause more harm to the relationship than just the clothes, or as I've read some CDs post in this forum, the notion that their wives do not like their men to be nurturing. Which is nonsense.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
See its simple. You either trust your partner or you don't.
There is no middle ground, it is either one or the other. If you have no evidence that your partner is cheating then you have wronged them in a major way. A relationship is worthless without trust and to destroy it based upon insecurities is a terrible thing.
This is not about trust. :Angry3: I am sure the wives whose husbands are remote from them sexually but are otherwise in the home physically know that their husbands have not had sex with others. It is all about the disconnect.
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Originally Posted by
Satrana
By all means go look for evidence to support your insecurities in other people's fantasies and behavior. How does this help your relationship with your partner?
I have not posted in this thread to address any issues or insecurities in my relationship with my SO. :Angry3: I'm posting here because I repeatedly read posts from CDs who decry their non accepting wives. I am merely pointing out they cannot expect their wives to feel cherished in the relationships if the CDers habitually engage in fantasies about others, and when, as you say, these fantasies become stronger and more exciting over time than the reality of being with their wives.
This point is most important:
If any husband, CD or non-CD should genuinely want his wife above all others and this shines through in his daily attitudes and in bed, I guarantee you his wife will follow him to the ends of the earth. But how can he do this when he is so busy wanting the same thing that she does? There is a conflict here and the wife feels this at her core.
