Trying to understand behavior

[KellyV GG]

Wow this whole thing is so complicated on so many levels. You would think that this would be more complicated emotionally for me but not even close. Thank you all for being so candid and taking the time to share.

It took me 23 years to accept who I am and come out to my GF, and even then it took months not to feel guilty about being a girl when she came home from work. Even though she was totally amazing and took it all in stride (almost better than I did making the revelation) I still felt this guilt and uneasiness inside of me.

Thanks for that Cindy...it makes me wonder...if you are dealing with something that causes so much shame, guilt and confusion and continuing to do it causes more shame and guilt, what's the benefit? It's so hard to understand. And how do I make it easier? He won't talk about it and quite obviously doesn't know how to define what's going on inside himself. Is it possible to ever be comfortable with anyone if you are dealing with constant guilt and shame?

As in defence of us guys, most of us are not very good at putting our impulses and emotions into words and we will often react defensively and in denial when the deeper layers of our psyche are laid bare. Men are not taught to handle emotions and understand themselves.

This is hard to completely understand because if you're femme side is so strong that it has to manifest itself, develop it's own personality, have it's own name and wardrobe it would be logical to assume that you might be more in touch with your emotions. But thanks for that...I think that's exactly what's happening. How do you deal with another person denial, tho, when it's all so crystal clear and written in neon from my side of things?

Your BF is not trying to emulate us. He does want to learn from us because he hasn't been socialized to know how to express his femme self, but he really is trying to be herself.

So asking questions like "what makes you want to dress" is like asking someone "why do you like apples better than oranges".

Thank you..it's so hard to understand. He's so disconnected from his own feelings that I don't see how he will ever really connect with who him/herself really is. And I don't know how to help. Wish I had read this before I asked him what makes him want to dress, which I did last night. His answer: a very uncomfortable "dunno, it's just clothes". And when I tried to push it farther he completely shut down. Don't know where to go from here.

I know that i put that it can be linked to a type of guilt when a Cder suddenly takes off the clothes that they are in for no apparent reason but some how just guilt does not quite seam the right word so i am going to add shame to mix in with guilt , it is a sort of a mixture of both , you feel guilty and shameful all rolled into one while you are standing there in a dress while your wife is arguing with you so you have to get the clothes off as quickly as possible to try and make it feel right and normal and the odd thing is that the more the Cder thinks of there partner the more it can hit them until they get over this faze, which in turn can make them angry inside for being caught that way in the first place .

So...relationships are difficult enough to begin with, so how do you deal with a partner who is dealing with guilt, shame and anger about something not even related to normal relationship issues. Now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to protect his fragile side. Which doesn't seem fair, but at the same time I wish I could take all of that away and certainly don't want to make it worse. But if something non CD realted is bothering me is it better to wait until he's in boy mode and therefore more comfortable with himself before we deal with it? I know that if I have to tiptoe around for months or years until he feels comfortable with himself I will more than likely really resent it.

The guilt has a LOT to do with perceptions of personal failure. "I like to dress and act like a woman, therefore I feel like a failure as a man". This can be totally unconcious, I think, however, the resulting behavior speaks VOLUMES about how we REALLY feel. A lot of us may feel this way. Self acceptance is a long journey. It's EXCEEDINGLY HARD to deal with someone who hasn't fully accepted themselves. Once this happens, generally the guilt feeling subside, and things become more straight forward.

Things were pretty straight forward and we really had nothing to deal with before "she" appeared in the relationship. Suddenly it's a whole new thing and yes....Exceedingly hard. I accept her, have shopped for her, have done her make-up, have run all over London searching for the right wigs, shoes, etc...which I would never even do for myself, too much bother. So...here she is, everythings complicated and I'm running around like a mad woman trying to make sure she has what she needs. This is supposed to be a good thing but it just gets more and more complex.

I'm not used to dealing with negative emotions while dresses, and don't want to.

Thank you for sharing that story, Rhonda Jean. Very telling. One thing....no one is happy dealing with negative emotions. But just because when dressed you are in your happy place (not you specifically....I'm refering to my BF really) and something negative occurs...oh well, you have to deal with it like a person relating to another person...uncomfortable or not. It's part of life and to be on the other side of behavior you don't understand or may misread on top of the issue at hand is just craziness.

Sorry for the long post. I appreciate the incredible support so much. Really feel the need to vent today........Cheers....Kelly