Crossing dressing and dating guys?

[Satrana]

Hi Reine

Had some relatives arrive from overseas so have not had time to reply until now.

You are speaking of having baggage. I sense this in threads and it is always a point on which I have a lot of compassion. But many GGs have their own baggage too

Yes baggage is a better term. I think though my point is our baggage is different from other baggage like abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Our baggage is a social taboo, our baggage is our gender identity and sometimes our sexual orientation get twisted in unusual ways so it can be difficult for others to relate to. But importantly I think many CDs themselves are unaware what to what extent their behavior has been modified since they spend most of the time hiding behind a mask. It does not leave much time for serious introspection and an awareness how we affect others around us.

I encourage doing what you can to incorporate your wife into your sexual fantasies, lest she should feel cast aside. Even if it means ... a lot of talking!

That is probably harder than you make it sound if you know that your fantasies are likely to be interpreted as meaning something that is not true.

Take me for example. I am 100% hetero having never had even the slightest hint of attraction to a man. So how can I fantasize about being with men? Because all my fantasies irregardless of the details are all about situations where the focus is on me accessing my femininity.

You are probably aware of other fantasies like being a bride or going to a prom. GGs probably are not anxious about these fantasies as they tend to focus on the feminine dress but when you think about it they are very obviously male-female sexual/romantic situations. To my mind they are no different to fantasizing about sex with men, they have the same objective.

This is why I was questioning the statements from GGs about how to compete. In reality you can no more compete with a sex with men fantasy than you can with a bride of prom fantasy.

she will feel deeply hurt. It will make it even more difficult for her to believe that her husband's fantasies do not take away from his lust for her, especially if they have issues in the bedroom.

I think men in general harbor fantasies that they keep to themselves because they know their wives will not understand that fantasies are just that. I don't think a man can control whatever images and ideas get him off anymore that you can control what colors you like.

If you look at hardcore porn which is pretty much exclusively targeted at men you know there is a lot of nasty and demeaning stuff in there. Lots of men look at this material even the sweetest most loving men do. You may not like the answer but I think you have to accept that males and females usually seek different things from sex and have a different mental route to obtaining it.

How can someone want something so much yet refuse it if the opportunity should present itself?

Because there is a difference between an obtainable fantasy and an "out of this world" fantasy. Most people can separate a fantastic scenario from reality and keep it solely as a fantasy. If you are hetero then you really do not want to be with a man ever.

And there are posts by CDs who have tried it and they want more.

Can I just throw some numbers in here. How many members of the population are gay or bi? I believe conservative estimates would place this around 10%. I understand there are 7000 active members here so that would mean 700 members who would reply with a positive answer. I have not checked but I would guess the number in this thread who said yes would be 100+.

I am throwing these numbers around to demonstrate that the perception that this thread with its large statistics must have real significance but perhaps it does not indicate anything unusual at all since the numbers fall easily within what you would expect from this forum's gay and bi membership.

Maybe everyone does have it in them to be bi, and CDs are more prone to experiment ...

Undoubtedly CDing loosens up the tightly sprung coil of male sexuality which relies on homophobia to keep men emotionally distant from one another. So those with bi tendencies will definitely be likely to explore while others may just experiment to satisfy curiosity. If we look at young women today - surveys indicate that as many as 50% experiment with at least one lesbian experience. This is what happens when gender definitions are loosened and so you should expect a similar trend in CDs (those who have reached self acceptance).

It is difficult for a GG to rid herself of doubts about her SO when so many CDs seem to be in denial about themselves.

I do not think it is denial. Rather it is an evolution of the gender identity over time until the choice to switch gender roles seems natural. There might be some denial at the end of the process when they are unaware of just how far they have traveled.

In all honesty, this thread is making me reexamine how I feel about having the CDing in my life.

Which is precisely why CDs keep quiet about this. In many ways this is a repeat performance over the issues of gender identity when pre-conceptions hit the wall of reality. Just as you needed to clear your mind of gender based norms, you need to understand that our baggage has affected our sexuality - not our sexual orientation per se but how we have integrated gender into our sexual drive.

It is difficult enough for CDs to convince our partners to be open minded about gender presentation, most balk at attempting to jump another hurdle. This is the real naivety of Tri-ess and the CD community in general - the desire to keep sexuality out of the equation because it seems like it is too much to cope with. Too many people unwilling to be fully honest about their deepest thoughts and desires. Although to be fair this is true of human race in general.

I am no exception. Despite being fully open about my gender from day one, my wife had to painfully extract my sexual thoughts like wisdom teeth one by one. It was not something I had the guts to reveal to her by myself. My sexual fantasy closet was one I was happy to keep closed but my wife was having none of it and pried it open. She knows what makes me tick and I in turn know what makes her tick. There is not much overlap so it is about taking turns with each other but we are learning to integrate it more together.