Wow. Seriously. It's like you walked into my brain, took my thoughts and wrote them down. Nearly everything you said is exactly how I feel. Except for the wedding stuff, because I'm not a huge fan of weddings and marraige. But everything else.
I certainly feel the same confusion, I swing from one thing to the other. As a kid I was a tomboy who didn't mind wearing dresses. At about fourteen I started presenting myself as male. At eighteen I got a breast reduction and slowly eased back into presenting myself as female, which is what I mostly do at the moment. But now I feel an almost overwhelming urge to present myself as male again. It's like every time I say, "At last, I know who I am," something else inside me decides that it's time to mess me up again by sending me in the other direction and confusing the hell out of me. It's frustrating because when I want to be male I know that I never really can be. Because I keep swinging between the two, changing my body to be male would be a bad idea. So when I want to be male it's really hard on my mind.
And coming back here after being away for so long, there are quite a few guys now on T and transitioning. And I know that that wouldn't really be an option for me but I still really, really want it.
When it comes to girly guys and guyish girls, I agree, those are definately the people I'm attracted to! I'm single at the moment and not looking for a relationship, but I'm worried that when I want one again that it will be really hard to find someone who can deal with my gender/s. With my last boyfriend, at first he was okay with me presenting as male. But we kept running into trouble with guys who'd want to pick fights with us for being gay. Because I didn't have facial hair at any point I could get us out of trouble by telling them I was a girl. So there was a point where my boyfriend didn't want to hold my hand in public. That was hard. And then when I started wearing skirts and dresses again, for the first time in years, he missed me looking like a guy and kept asking me to dress like one. Sigh.
So yeah. More or less, I feel exactly the same as you. Soulmate! :P
