Excuse me, sir, but, wtf am I?

[Thomas]

Oh my god, Kieron! Thank you so much for the long detailed response! It really made me happy to get so much feedback. Now for the replying part hehe.

I'm really glad I came back. You all have a tendency to make me feel so much more comfortable with myself. But honestly that's why I left. There were things that confused me, but I kindof ignored them because you all made me feel so confident and comfortable with the idea of being male. I had to break away from that for a while and do some self reflection to understand if male is what I truly am or not. However, I think the main hurdles of being honest with myself about my more effeminate half are over, and I'm back and ready to try to get some help tidying up all the confusion in my head. Bouncing thoughts off of you guys helps with the understanding myself part, and is often quite thought provoking.

before i go into an indepth speel, can i ask you one question? Why do you have to be either? is it because society says so or because binary suggests there can only be black and white?, male and female?...blah stuff binary....if you feel and its seems you do, that you are somewhere in the middle, ie an inbetweeny, then thats who you are, if that feels comfortable then go for it...it doesn't mean you are any less trans than those of us that are one or the other....

WELLLLLL.... I guess the thing I'm sitting on at the moment is that I don't know if I'm just a feminine guy or an "in-betweeney" as you put it. I know next to nothing about the bi-gender/genderfck/genderqueer/etc group of "inbetweeneys" and so its a bit harder to say if I fit any of the aforementioned categories when I'm not even entirely sure what they are! Not only that, but if I WERE an in-between person gender-wise... I wouldn't know what to do with myself. How would one "transition" into an in-between person? How would I explain to anyone that I'm "neither gender" or "both genders"? What pronouns would I ask them to call me? Gender-neutral ones? That just seems so awkward and uncomfortable (as if being trans isn't enough of that on its own) and I wouldn't know how to deal or act with that situation.

feels good when it feels right doesn't it...and thats all that matters , what you makes you feel good on any given day...

It feels amazing. Days when I'm the most confident about how I look are the days I feel most like my true self, and with the highest self-esteem (even to the point of downright cockyness xD)

what in your mind is wrong with being an effeminate guy, plenty of them around, no?...lots of film stars, TV stars, music stars are effeminate males...and they are not necessarily gay

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! xD I love fem guys. But I guess the problem with it is that... in this body.. people are going to see me as less of a man if I'm feminine (regardless of weather or not it's true). I would like to say that I don't care what they think, but obviously I do if I'm trying so hard to pass. (if I didn't care at all, then I would just wear whatever the hell I wanted, and know I'm a guy inside, without worrying about if they saw me as male or female. but, alas, this is not the case) I feel like people who see me act more feminine wonder why I don't just stay female... Or worse, see me as an actual girl... heh.

humans see what they want to see, what makes THEM comfortable, so that they don't have to question anything....

Hmph, well personally, I'm not too fond of the human race! I dislike narrow-minded, judgmental, selfish, ignorant, oblivious people.. and yet somehow I'm always trying to get their approval... WHAT is wrong with me? Lol.

Don't give up, what might be a good idea is to type a mass letter to those that don't do as you have asked them to do, and explain to them the way it makes you feel, especially as you are out to them

That might be a good idea. But I guess I get embarrassed by it. I feel like I'm being rude and ruffling feathers unnecessarily. And believe me, I avoid drama like the plague, and the thought of seeming... unappreciative or controlling or complaining... doesn't sit well with me. I tend to quietly swallow a lot more things than I should take sitting down, but I don't really like the confrontation or to be the one everyone else has to accommodate. If that makes any sense.

you are still very early on in your self discovery, don't give yourself such a hard time figuring it all out...take your time there is no rush...in the meantime, stick around here and talk about things that are troubling you, or just stick around and read some, either way we are here for you...

I know! I'm a young'un xD. I think I'll take that advice actually, and calm down some... not pressure myself so much on the subject. I'll be starting college soon though.. and I guess I see that as kindof a clean slate thing. A chance to get everyone I encounter to call me the right pronouns and such. But if I haven't figured myself out by the time I start school... Well, that chance will be partially lost. But you're right, it really should not be that big of a rush, so I'm going to chill out a bit for now. I have time.

most probably...transitioning is scary to start with...but the more you transition the more you see there is nothing to worry about...if you want to talk to someone who has been on T a while there are a few of us around , if you figure its not for you then its not the end of the world...

SPEAKING OF T! One of my main concerns about it is the huge amount of changes. Since I like being a feminine guy, I would only want a small amount of change, not an entire body reconstruction. Is there any way that they can give a smaller dosage of T or whatever so that I can be a more feminine guy? (Read: pretty boy) And if they did give a smaller dosage, would it still be enough to change my voice?

there is no way i will be having phallo, not every ftm opts for bottom surgery, not having a penis doesn't make you less of a man

I don't have a problem with the idea of having a penis, I just have a problem with the surgery idea... However, I do somewhat have a problem with having female parts. I have this repulsion with penetration... Even if it feels good, at the same time it like makes me nauseous? And yeah. Just not too fond of penetration at all. (sorry if this is TMI)

Well thats who you are and you should be proud of your chosen name

I think I enjoy my full name more than just my first name haha xD It's funny because my signature for my legal name is probably the worst signature I've ever seen in my life, but my signature for my chosen name is just magically amazing? (I make a fancy T sorta haha) Kinda cool how it works out that way. I actually got to sign a few year books with Thomas... and enjoyed it a little TOO much. So... cause it's fun, Imma do it again.

Thomas Michael Shrader