Excuse me, sir, but, wtf am I?

[Kieron Andrew]

-takes a deep breath-
....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!

-ahem- sorry bout that. But I'm going insane here.

Take a deeper breathe ...there are plenty of us here willing to listen and help...

I haven't been on CD for the longest time because I've been having crazy dysphoria problems coming from every direction and I really do NOT know what to do with myself. I thought time away from CD would help me on my path to understanding myself, but it hasn't, and perhaps has even made it worse.

Well in that case, i am really glad you are back, because a place like this is really all about supporting you to sort out those crazy thoughts, so that you don't feel so alone

I've already come to the realization that I do NOT want to be female. I've questioned this twenty times over and I'm pretty certain of this. But the problem at hand is... I'm not so sure I want to be male either? I don't know what's going on in my head, or what gender I'm supposed to be, and it's confusing beyond anything I've had to cope with before.

before i go into an indepth speel, can i ask you one question? Why do you have to be either? is it because society says so or because binary suggests there can only be black and white?, male and female?...blah stuff binary....if you feel and its seems you do, that you are somewhere in the middle, ie an inbetweeny, then thats who you are, if that feels comfortable then go for it...it doesn't mean you are any less trans than those of us that are one or the other....

I remember when I used to cry... yes CRY (and I hardly ever do) over wishing I were a guy. I remember how ELATED I felt when I realized how much I was starting to look like a guy. And even now, when I look in the mirror and see myself as a guy, I feel confident, I feel stronger, I feel happy and... 'right'. I actually had an elderly guy call me "he" when talking to his dog about me. I was on top of the world with happiness and that huge boost in self-esteem. (Aside from my self-doubt about wondering if I'd heard him wrong and such)

feels good when it feels right doesn't it...and thats all that matters , what you makes you feel good on any given day...

I really do not want to be forced to pick a gender. I don't like picking. gahhh Dx

Then don't, you are Thomas end of...regardless of gender you are a person, that person is Thomas

When I think about it, I feel like a guy. I think like a guy. I feel comfortable as a guy. But there are some girly things from my past that pester me a often.

I guess the best way to describe myself is that of an effeminate guy. But I can't act feminine in this body, because then I just seem like a girl.

And then I stop and think about it and I go.. well... act feminine in what way? How can I act feminine? I don't understand shopping or makeup or the typical girly things. I never have, and when friends try to talk to me about them I get bored out of my mind. I don't understand... lol. Bear with me... this is confusing.

what in your mind is wrong with being an effeminate guy, plenty of them around, no?...lots of film stars, TV stars, music stars are effeminate males...and they are not necessarily gay

I'm bisexual, but I have.. I guess, unusual tastes. I have a tendency to be attracted to really girly guys, and really guyish girls. And this messes with my head. A lot.

so you go for guys like you are, and more masculine woman, so? we all have our tastes...okay one example, a famous FtM Loren Cameron, he is masculine in looks beyond belief but when he speak is voice and mannerisms are quite effeminate....his partner is a bodybuilder too and is quite butch in her mannerisms...but Loren is the man in that relationship...

I love feminine guys, so I have a tendency to want to be like what I like and what I'm attracted to. But I also have a masculine side. And since I don't want to be female, the masculine girl thing is really not an option.

seems to me you DO know who you are, you just don't want to conform to gender binary...so what, don't blame you!

I have a very close friend who i've known for a couple years now. I tell him everything. But I find myself getting jealous of him a lot. He's extremely feminine, even to the point of putting bows in his long hair or crossdressing. He's not trans, he likes being a guy, but he enjoys being feminine... And I guess I'm jealous of his ability to act fem but still be a guy. I've told him this on several occasions. I feel like I so often have to over-compensate for my physical body by acting more masculine than I would like to be. Anything slightly girly that I do gets magnified tenfold and then appears ten times as girly, because the features of my physical body tend to overshadow everything I do. Sometimes I'll watch guys' body language. And I've noticed there are certain moves or stances that a guy can do but I can't, because hes a biological guy. So even if its slightly girly it still looks like a guy when he does it, but since im not a cisguy, if I do it it looks super girly. So I have to kindof compensate for my female-ness by being more of a guy then I should have to be.

Thomas, if you choose to transition, what your body looks like now, wont be no where near what it will look like then, i know its frustrating when you see other Genetic Males look and act the way you want to recognised, as male...but you will get there, it can happen for you

Also: I'm getting really really sick of everyone thinking that I have to be all like TESTOSTERONE AND HARRY AND MUSCLES AND FARTS AND BURPS AND MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN to be a guy inside.

i know its hard, but ignore those that conform to binary and their idea of what a man is....

But people only see what they see on the outside, they don't see what gender I am, they only see my sex. (Sex is what's between your legs, gender is what's between your ears! :D) And how can they... when I'm not even sure of myself?

humans see what they want to see, what makes THEM comfortable, so that they don't have to question anything....

Actually... -sigh- I've given up on correcting people gender-wise. I think there are only a handful of people who actually use both my name AND the right gender pronouns. It's... rather upsetting, but I pretend like it doesn't bother me. I really got tired of how much I had to FIGHT to get people to call me the right thing. It's disheartening..

Don't give up, what might be a good idea is to type a mass letter to those that don't do as you have asked them to do, and explain to them the way it makes you feel, especially as you are out to them

I didn't realize I was a guy until I was like... sixteen? I guess. And I didn't come out about it until around eighteen. And I'm only nineteen now, and even more lost and confused than I was when I was discovering myself

you are still very early on in your self discovery, don't give yourself such a hard time figuring it all out...take your time there is no rush...in the meantime, stick around here and talk about things that are troubling you, or just stick around and read some, either way we are here for you...

Perhaps most of this is fear.

most probably...transitioning is scary to start with...but the more you transition the more you see there is nothing to worry about...if you want to talk to someone who has been on T a while there are a few of us around , if you figure its not for you then its not the end of the world...

And as for the lower half of my body.. well. I don't even know what I want with that. there are days where I really want male parts. but usually I don't really like the male or the female parts, and I kindof wish I could have NO parts whatsoever. I'd rather not have a gender at all, but still somehow be able to have sexual pleasure. heh. Impossible, right?

there is no way i will be having phallo, not every ftm opts for bottom surgery, not having a penis doesn't make you less of a man

I don't know why I didn't come to you sooner. I think a part of me is ashamed...

Don't be ashamed, most of us have heard it all before

Thomas Michael Shrader
(I've always wanted to write that)

Well thats who you are and you should be proud of your chosen name