Busted, Rejected........Screwed

[NicoleScott]

I went back and re-read the OP and some of you should, too. The wife's issue isn't that she was betrayed for so many years, but that her husband crossdresses.
She assumed he was gay, wanted to be woman, and is a sexual deviant, a sickness that needs curing. Sure, there were many years of living a secret life, but assuming that the lie is the main problem is reading into the OP something that wasn't there. I think the wife is one of those who cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband. Most of her assumptions about crossdressing are incorrect, but that's her reality, and Samantha's.
What good is it doing to remind Samantha that the wife should have been told long ago? Samantha is seeking advise on where to go from here. This forum is full of testimonies of cd's who thought that marriage would cure them. OK, we were all wrong. We don't get a do-over. Must go forward.
I prefer "counselor" to "therapist". Therapy suggests that there is something wrong with you and a therapist can fix it. Counseling suggests working on a relationship between people who don't see eye to eye and need help getting there. Just my perception.
Whatever you call it, why would a couple go to counseling or therapy? My guess is that she wants him cured, and he wants her acceptance. Without a common goal to work towards, how can it succeed? If you don't know where you're going, how are you going to get there?

[ReineD]

I feel for you so much. I don't think she would be in anyway acceptable or understanding even if you told her upfront. I understand totally any partner not excepting a crossdresser, thats why we hide it from them and everyone else.

This is so sad. No wonder you believe that the OP's wife will never accept (which, btw, you cannot say for sure since you don't know her or the OP). There are many wives who do accept. It's also very sad that you might allow your girlfriend to browbeat and blackmail you if she should find out about the CDing. Why would you allow yourself to be treated this way?

I strongly recommend you look inside yourself to see if it is not perhaps your own difficulties with self-acceptance that are getting in the way of being honest with your girlfriend. Still, even if you do tell her now it will be difficult after having hid the CDing for 20 years. But, wouldn't it be better to face the music now than continue to live the way you do? Just wondering.

She assumed he was gay, wanted to be woman, and is a sexual deviant, a sickness that needs curing.

Nicole, surely you must have read time and time again here, these are the questions that most GGs, parents, siblings, and friends ask when they first find out. Heck, these are the very same questions CDs ask of themselves when they first start their exploration. Am I gay? Do I want to be a woman? Am I sick?

The wife just found out! Have you read MiamiMarie's post #48?

[Presh GG]

Hello Samantha,

Do you really think your wife hasn't noticed something amiss in your relationship over the last 6-7-8-years? Give her a little more credit than that.
I'd like to ask you just EXACTLY how much have you exagerated her response?

Now is the time to stop lying. The truth is. IT IS NOT JUST CLOTHES AND YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO QUIT. Now, the sooner you tell your wife the truth, the sooner you can get on with the healing.

From your first post, you asked yourself the same questions she is now asking you. What's the differance.
Can you not see how much your wife is hurt, sometimes pain is expressed in anger. I suggest you find a way to reasure her she is the best thing that ever happened to you.. and if you don't feel that way, I feel very sorry for you both.

12 years is a terrible thing to waist.

Presh GG

[Sarah Plumber]

This sounds so familiar.

[SweetPea_GG]

1. If she really loves you she will get over it. If she not get over it she will just use it as an excuse for her own uncomfy lifesituation. I cant see how crossdressing would be the major factor of why a couple gets a divorce. I mean a divorce is a big thing and nothing you do just because of clothes. Women are very good to find these "problems" that give them the excuse to "run away" from a relation.

This could be said 2 ways.. if he really loved her he would of told her years ago about his CDing..instead he was making excuses of why he couldnt tell her and lied to her for their whole relationship about who he is and what he likes instead of making a false image of himself and who he thinks she wants him to be. never allowing her to fall in love with the real him. divorce is a BIG thing and lying to your SO about something so major as who you are and who you portray yourself to be in a BIG thing..Its more then just the "clothes" if it was "just the clothes" then you all would be satisfied with wearing mens clothes that is made up of the same fabric to get that "feeling" sensation

Okay. YOur wife is being a manipulative B**ch. The whole saying "I don't care..." and using that as a "trap" is absolute BS, and you should call her on that. YOu can now tell her because of that you will never trust her again. You can also (why do I find myself harping on this) tell her that her reaction is EXACTLY the reason you hid this aspect of yourself. Irrational behavior on HER part.

Ok so I wanted to kinda reply to a similar comment you made before Pythos in my husbands post when he first posted that I found his "stash" and found out after 15yrs of marriage and a total of 19yrs together.. you called me a irrational B*itch then.. cause why I was scared and afraid of my future.. I was uncertain of the man that I married and the man I thought I knew.. I am sure you would act the same way if someone pulled the wool over your eyes too.. love .. love makes us do crazy things and say crazy things especially when we get scared and are unsure. in no way does that just make us b*itches.. seems like a common reply with you when you respond to posts which involve wives or SOs who just find out the secret their loved one has been keeping from them.. maybe you should grow a heart a bit and look deep inside that there is alot of hurt there and the couple now needs all the support they can get.. both the man and the WOMAN..Sure it may be "just clothes" but from those "just clothes" formed the lie which has infected their relationship.

I'll bet your wife thought she knew everything about you and your sexuality. I bet she thought she knew you better than you knew yourself. Now, she finds herself married to a fantastic liar who's sexuality she has no clue about (and she can't trust what you tell her yet). .

I must completely agree with this.. and its something I myself have felt/feels too.

Samantha..

you did make the mistake of not being honest with your wife and hiding this part of you from her and lying to her about who you are.. that is something you will have to deal with and you will have to show her how much you love her.. you will have to rebuild that trust in her which as we all know wont happen over night. she deserves you now to be 100% honest with everything.. nows the time not to hide anything. She still needs you.. she fell in love with you you need to show her that the man she fall in love with and married and had a beautiful family with is not gone..you need to set your desires aside for a bit and focus on her.. focus on the both of you..

Coming from expirence and me finding my husbands stash only a few months ago.. it hurts.. i told him i would rather have learned that he had cheated on me cause thats easier for my brain to wrap around not that its better.. but i had no real knowledge of CDing..so a lot of things and words rush out of a wives mouth.. but the furthest thing from my mind was telling anyone.. i was ashamed and embarrassed and still am a bit inside I really dont want anyone to know..but back to the point..when a wives first finds out on her own there are a big rush of emotions that run through her head and it becomes over whelmed with hurt and anger.. which isnt a good combination.. which could possibly be why she said the threats.. shes scared.. we all usually say things we dont mean in the heat of the moment.. but i agree you both need to talk to someone and start the lines of communication..

if you wife is willing sometime I think that her joining the forums here would be good for her.. I joined and i love the GG's here they have helped me so very much and it gives me a great place to vent.

good luck to you!

[Allsteamedup]

"I fail to see the big issue"

"They are just clothes"

Samantha, if you would take some time to read the stickies concerning how to tell a partner, what the GGs would say and the top of Loved Ones you may, after some reflection, have some idea how women/wives feel about all the issues you have raised.
I dont' want to sound trite but everything you are going through is so commonplace-we've all been ther, as cders or spouses.
Why is it such a big deal? Your deception has ruined your wife's respect for you. It's not the clothes, it's the deception. How would you feel if she had been carrying on an online affair for 6years 'Oh, it's just words, honey...' I don't think so.
If you don't want to loose your family and particularly your wife, read those words in the stickies, apologise for what you have done, (we're suckers for an apology) and offer to see a counsellor if your wife will agree.
DO NOT UNDERESTMATE HOW MUICH YOU HAVE HURT HER. IT WILL TAKE YEARS TO PUT THIS RIGHT. SO HOW BIG A DEAL IS THAT?

[Amanda22]

This is a really thought-provoking thread which touches some important aspects of communication and telling or not telling. I've read some responses that are quite wise. I especially appreciate the responses pointing out the issue of lost trust. I do agree with those who say that an SO is liable to react in any way imaginable, and understandably so. It is a big deal to tell someone this information!! Yes, we can say it is just about clothes, but at least for me, it is so much more than that. I don't want to speak for anyone else, because for some perhaps it is only about clothing. For me, clothing is simply an outer indicator of my true gender identity, and I know that isn't a small deal to drop on a spouse!

Last year before I actually came out to my wife, I knew I was risking our marriage, and there were times I said to myself it was just about clothes and why would she have a problem with that? But I knew that the discussion of clothing would quickly lead to other questions about sexuality and gender. My wife, who is the most amazing person I've ever met, accepted this information and understood that I needed to dress and also understood that I identify as a female in a male body. She loves me, and didn't see this as a threat to our relationship, because it isn't. I'm extremely lucky to be married to her, and to have a wife who not only accepts, but encourages my girly side.

Having said all that, I want to touch on the topic of deception or lying. I do think there are some people who keep a secret and sneak around with their dressing, trying to keep it hidden from their SO. That just isn't right. A person doing this needs to have a discussion ASAP to get it out in the open, because it's going to come out sooner or later. There are others, however, whose motivation isn't to deceive. In my case, I had never been in love before meeting my wife. Yes, I new that I crossdressed since an early age, but I illogically thought that being in love would make it go away. I have no idea why I thought that; it seems so silly. So we got married, and after two years of marriage with NO crossdressing on my part, I realized that the desire to crossdress wasn't going to go away because I was in love. So I initiated a discussion with my wife and disclosed to her this lifelong desire to crossdress. I think it's important that I wasn't dressing in secret. Yet I had some new information to share with her. I think there is a difference between participating in a secret activity and realizing that a desire isn't going to go away and talking about it openly.

Please everyone, if you're secretly dressing, have a talk with your SO. You know your SO is going to find out at some point and it isn't going to go well if she/he finds out by accident.

[ikthys]

"Other than offending everyone’s delicate sensibilities..."

I'm so sorry for the hard time you're going through. I'm sure many of us have been there in some form. I believe you will not make it far in this ordeal unless you are willing to rethink this quote. This is not just about people (your wife) being picky. Others have pointed out the hard truth of the issue of deception by omision, but I also remind you that the idea of her man in nylons, heels, bras, panties, dresses, lingerie, etc. is not at all attractive. In fact it is revolting precisely the way you might find it revolting if she strapped on a dildo and chest hair, and confessed to having lived her whole life with a serious "manly" side. Not cool. It is also very much as if you have been getting your "woman" on the side, even though there is no other woman in actuality. You have been involved with getting close to a female persona that is not her and quite pleased with it. Most crossdressers never think about this side of the coin. It's just as confusing and different as our side of the coin, only more helpless for the others because they aren't the one's who decided to act the way you acted all these years. I plead with you to find it in your heart to fogive your wife for her misunderstandings and to compassionately go to her to be reconciled, even if it means giving this up. I ask the reverse question- does 12 years of being a faithful wife and mother to your kids mean so little that you will let it end so that you can go on wearing nylons? There may be the possibility of compromise, there may not. But I don't believe much can be well accomplished while people are locked into their defenses.

[dominique]

It seems that the main theme of this thread is tell all before. What if you don't want to tell her. I know that it will be not popular. But each person has their own reason for not telling. Mine was that I was not that a confident person when meeting women at first. This continued when I first met my wife I didn't want to do anyting that would drive her away and had many rejections before her. I know I should've told her, but I didn't and nearly paid the ultimate price.

[Melody Moore]

Keeping this secret from your wife was your biggest mistake.

You went to great lengths to hide this from her so naturally she will feel very deceived.
So if there is any reason not to trust you again then you only have yourself to blame.

Honesty is the best policy and you should have come out about it rather than her finding out because you screwed up.
If you are honest you have the best hope of retaining your dignity, in this case you weren't so I am afraid to tell you
that your dignity has gone completely out the door. No use trying to close the gate now, the horse has already bolted.

You just have to find the best way to deal with it now.

Good luck

[NicoleScott]

Nicole, surely you must have read time and time again here, these are the questions that most GGs, parents, siblings, and friends ask when they first find out. Heck, these are the very same questions CDs ask of themselves when they first start their exploration. Am I gay? Do I want to be a woman? Am I sick?

The wife just found out! Have you read MiamiMarie's post #48?

\\

I've not just read it, I've lived it. As a youngster, I asked myself those questions. My wife asked me the same questions.
Before the information age, many of us dealt wth our crossdressing desires alone. As we know from many testimonies, many of us thought that marriage would cure our crossdressing, so no need to tell the fiance. When we realized we were wrong, we were already in deep. It wasn't intentional, but the deceit happened out of our own ignorance. Most of us who have been through this agree that it would have been better to tell, but we don't get another chance. We have no choice to take it from here.
I lost my first wife because she could not tolerate a crossdressing husband. Before anyone tells me they know more about my marriage than I did, and that the real issue was the deceit, yes, the deceit was an issue at first. She was reasonable in listening to me explain my history, my desires, and my fears requiring me to keep my secret, and she ended up understanding. She loved me still, and respected that I was a good husband and father. But, she just couldn't stomach a crossdressing husband.
When I told my second wife, she asked the same questions (are you gay, want to be a woman). She accepts my crossdressing.
It is my observation and opinion that crossdressers and their wives/SO's tend to downplay the issue of cd-ing being unacceptable to some women, and that all the problems are about the deceit. While the deceit is the major issue in many cases, it is simply an assumption in Samantha's case. The wife expressed serious concerns about the crossdressing (gay? want to be a woman? sexual pervert) but Samantha's post raised no issue the wife had with the deceit.
My history is similar to Samantha's. I won't presume to speak for Samantha, but if I had it to do all over again, I would have told I was a cd before marriage. But that was my ignorance. Speaking of ignorance, the wife's views on crossdressing stem from ignorance. We're not necessarily gay, don't want to be a woman, and aren't perverts. In an instant of revealing a very private and personal part of himself, a good responsible husband, father, and citizen suddenly became an ogre.
Let's stop beating Samantha up for selflishly not telling the wife sooner, and start trying to help get through this difficult ordeal.

[Lorileah]

Hey y’all.

Hey yourself, glad you came to us. Sorry you were busted but some psychologists will tell you it wasn't an accident. You see when you hide something it gets easier to "forget" when you are putting things away. But that's all water under the dam.

I’m not looking for sympathy

Not sympathy but you will get a lot of empathy I am sure

Well one day I forgot to delete after spending a few minutes with you all. When my wife found the site she freaked out to say the least.

She read the title and quit. If she had taken the time to search the site she would have been surprised. Here is where you could have actually helped by saying "let me show you some of what we talk about here".

I always wanted to tell her about it but was afraid of her reaction.

Funny how that works. We are afraid of a reaction that most likely will happen anyway. Deceit grows with time and reactions get worse.

I am not going to quote the next few lines and paragraphs but I will say that it was TMI too fast. But I understand the flood of hopeful emotion

Who was getting hurt?

As it turned out you AND your wife because you were sneaking and hiding. That in and of itself screams "I think I am doing something wrong!!!"

To me it seemed like a harmless hobby, like golf, an escape from a mundane life.

You don't sneak around to golf or fish I would guess

Asked me if I was gay. No matter how I present the truth about me not being gay she still doesn’t believe me. Or the fact that I have zero interest in transitioning to female or try to pass in public. She either doesn’t believe it or can’t see past the stereotypes.

all the questions that get asked right off. And again...see this site and there are many many posts about not being any of those things which you could at least educate her with.

I was told that I need to see a therapist to cure me of this evil sexual addiction.

Seeing a therapist to come to grips with who you are is a good idea. Curing you is impossible. Getting her to understand who you are...good. Hoping you will quit and go on living Ward Cleaver's life....not so much

Well, she holds all the cards now.

Then you either bluff or fold. But she doesn't hold all the cards, you just need to play what you have been dealt (after you threw away pocket aces of being truthful earlier). You can own who you are, be ready to explain in concise and logical arguments how cross dressing affects the people who do it, how it isn't every little stereotypic image they think it is. You may need to even "come out" to certain people before she outs you because you can say how you are still the same person and how you always do the best for your family and job. Whereas she is going to call you a pervert and mentally unstable. You with good arguments vs her with emotional. Pre-emptive strike

Heaven knows who in her family knows my secret. I don’t think she’s told anyone in the community yet. In a extremely religious small community like ours rumors would have been like wildfire by now but that hasn’t happened yet. My neighbors would view crossdressing as one step above (or below) necrophilia. But unless I agree to get “cured” of this sexual deviance then she’s kicking me out. And threatening to use this secret to take my boys away from me. And ruin my career.

And blackmail is a very respectable crime in your community? Emotional blackmail is worse than hiding dressing up. So two wrongs will make a very bad relationship. If she is threatening these things she was one step out the door to start with. This may have been a tipping point but you were on that edge to start. There is little love left in this relationship and you didn't see that coming. She is refusing to try and understand and come to a reasonable conclusion. Maybe when she gets past the hiding, sneaking and lying you have done for 12 years she can be more reasonable. After all you weren't a bad person before this right?

I still fail to see a big issue here.

lying, sneaking behind her back, breach of trust...fairly big issues I think.

Other than offending everyone’s delicate sensibilities

see your comment about religious small community above...yes it is ignorant of them but you fed it by believing (and I think you still believe) that it is wrong and that you are somehow wrong in your feelings. You aren't wrong.

really pisses me off to hear women complain about having to wear dresses and bras and pantyhose and heels. I want to wear them and can’t.)

Life sucks doesn't it? That is an issue you really need to come to grips with, you don't need that anger especially right now

does the label “crossdresser" now erase every good thing I’ve done in my life and marriage?

Nope

Will my accomplishments be viewed through people’s extremely narrowminded lens from now on?

Yep, but more from the trust stand point.

There are several paths you can take now. One you can purge and fight to never do this again. The trust issue will need to be mended. You won't be any more happy in your marriage than you were and will probably be less so, which leads to anger issues and fighting. Two, you can see a therapist (and she should also as was mentioned many times above) where you can work out ALL your issues and maybe make a compromise. If you still have love this can work out. Three you can ignore everything and hope it will go away until one day she plays the blackmail card (not a good option, you don't have enough outs for that to work). or four, take control of who you are, be who you are, work to mend the breaches, show how you really are not anyone different than you were, work toward a compromise yourselves.

Or you can move on with your life and she can move on with hers.

Sorry, no sympathy, just empathy and hope

[JulieC]

I went back and re-read the OP and some of you should, too. The wife's issue isn't that she was betrayed for so many years, but that her husband crossdresses.
She assumed he was gay, wanted to be woman, and is a sexual deviant, a sickness that needs curing. Sure, there were many years of living a secret life, but assuming that the lie is the main problem is reading into the OP something that wasn't there. I think the wife is one of those who cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband. Most of her assumptions about crossdressing are incorrect, but that's her reality, and Samantha's.
What good is it doing to remind Samantha that the wife should have been told long ago? Samantha is seeking advise on where to go from here. This forum is full of testimonies of cd's who thought that marriage would cure them. OK, we were all wrong. We don't get a do-over. Must go forward.

The OP appears to be upset that his wife won't believe him. The OP didn't have the perspective to understand a strong possibility as to why that is. Now, the OP does. Identifying a serious failing in the OP's perspective, that of thinking of this massive lie as 'no big deal', and the dichotomy that if it's no big deal, then telling should have been easy...but it wasn't, is a good thing.

That lesson provides a basis for moving forward, at least in part. The wife has every right to be angry, every right to not believe the OP now. The OP needs to step back and begin to realize the very serious role they had in creating this problem in the first place if they are to ever find their way forward.

Yes, I agree, the wife is likely one that will be very strongly unaccepting. But that doesn't mean that is the only reason for her being so upset.

Bridging a gap requires admittance of error on both parts, and a slow process of reconciliation based on honesty, openness, and commitment. The OP can't hope to accomplish that by feeling the error is all hers, the blow up is because she's narrow minded, and what he is doing is 'no big deal'.

[Avana]

There are some very wise replies in there, especially from the GGs, which make me proud to be a member of this forum.

And then there are some that make me downright embarrassed!

I'm siding with the wife here. I simply cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone and hiding something of this magnitude from her (or him). As others have said, ultimately it comes down to a selfish desire for self preservation, to have your cake and eat it too. No wonder there is a school of feminism that despises us. Also, I think explaining your dressing in origin as some type of sexual gratification did not help your case with your wife, who seems to be fairly conservative on that front. (though if it really was, its good that the truth about your sexuality is out there too)

[Nicole Erin]

Ahh from the responses I skimmed, seems a lot of them talk about how you betrayed your wife or whatever.

She will get over it. thing is, if your marriage was unstable enough that this disrupts things, maybe it is time to move on. My wife and I divorced partially cause of who I am and while it does suck sometimes not having a partner, at least I can move on in life as I see fit without someone nagging.

See here is the problem - You can't tell a potential girlfriend/wife cause she won't like you. But then when you wait, all the sudden you "betrayed" or some crap.
Well then, when the hell you suppose to explain this?

And in your case, so you like to dress in private and try to not involve others. How the hell they suppose to hold that against you? Is a person not suppose to have a private life at all?

When an unaccepting wife finds out, I find it interesting how they are not upset by the dressing, but by the "betrayal" Oh bull, they are upset by the dressing more than anything. If she had found out you had a gambling problem say, that would be a different story.

You dressed in private, you didn't try to force it on anyone, you didn't write off responsibility like work or family for this. You did nothing wrong.

[Lorileah]

I went back and re-read the OP and some of you should, too. The wife's issue isn't that she was betrayed for so many years, but that her husband crossdresses.

No the OP's perception is that the cross dressing was the issue. All the "are you gay, want to be a woman, want a man" questions are not about the clothing but about about what the wife thinks the clothing represents. The fact that it was a hiiden and subversive hobby seems to be tha issue with the OP. Harmless, in their view, undermining the relationship in mine (and I would say hers too). If it was just the clothes taht bothered her, then she would have saidn "Get rid of the clothes and everything will be OK".

[Alice Torn]

[SIZE="3"]Sam, I am very sorry and saddened to hear of this trouble. My heart goes out to you. I am single, so can't really understand your situation that well. I am not going to "SHOULD ON YOU" about not telling her earlier. I would agree, that seeing a therapist/counsellor, that is neutral, may be best, if you can afford one, and that both of you go. I wish she would get some education on crossdressing, and also realize, that women were considered crossdressing, when they started wearing pants, and other mens clothes, decades ago.If counselling doesn't help, making some kind of compromise, may work, but, its true, that some of these things end in seperation. A neutral therapist with some knowledge of gender issues may be a good start, if she is willing. [/SIZE]

[ReineD]

Before the information age, many of us dealt wth our crossdressing desires alone. As we know from many testimonies, many of us thought that marriage would cure our crossdressing, so no need to tell the fiance.

I know this. I really do understand how difficult it must have been for CDers to understand about themselves prior to the internet. But, the OP has been lying to his wife even after forums such as this one were online.

Let's stop beating Samantha up for selflishly not telling the wife sooner, and start trying to help get through this difficult ordeal.

The last thing I want to do is to beat Samantha up as I said in my first post in this thread. But, Samantha will not be able to move forward in her marriage if she persists in saying "it is no big deal", and if she doesn't look inside herself to determine what the CDing fundamentally means to her. If it wasn't such a big deal, if it was only about wearing silky things, it wouldn't be an issue since I'm sure Samantha could wear silky male clothes and she wouldn't feel the need to hide this from her wife. I am attempting to inject a dose or reality by encouraging Samantha to be real with helself and eventually with her wife, to hopefully help them overcome their current impasse.

Samantha can choose to look at it however she wants to. But, IMO she will not do herself or her marriage any favors if she disregards what most people in this thread are telling her. At this point it's not about looking back at the lies. It's about moving realistically forward, hopefully with a marital counselor to first tackle the trust issues.

[kimdl93]

The fundemental issue here is that Samantha and her wife are in trouble. Both of them may have made mistakes and may have unrealistic expectations of the other. But this conflict cannot and will not be resolved unless both parties are willing to take responsibility for their own actions. For the purposes of resolving this conflict, they need to be able to put aside what each may feel is justification of their position. If they can't do that, there's little hope for a reconcilliation.

[NicoleScott]

Reine, I understand that you're not beating up on Samantha but rather trying to get her to take responsibility for her role in this mess. I believe that both of us and many others want to help any way we can by giving our views (but see post #60 for "it's all your fault" finger-pointing with nothing positive to contribute). Yes, we know we screwed up when we didn't tell when we should have.
I have read and re-read the OP. Samantha's "no big deal" comments refer to the dressing, not the wife's reaction to finding out. Obviously, Samantha knows that this is a big deal and is very distressed about it. But Samantha is right about "no big deal" dressing. It was done in private, at little expense, not very often, and did not detract from any responsibilities as a husband or father. Are we not entitled to a little privacy, private thoughts and activities that don't affect anybody else? Would the wife had gone ballistic if he had been, in his private time and place, reading Harlequin Romances or working crossword puzzles? No, it wasn't just the deceit, it was the crossdressing. And what is so horrible about crossdressing, Samantha asks. What's the big deal?
Let's not let the wife off the hook. She lied by saying she didn't care what he's into, she just wanted to know. So Samantha told all, the whole story, and got clobbered. When Samantha came clean, she gets screwed. When the wife deceived, she's the victim.
Lorileah, I believe that like others, you want the best outcome for Samantha, and want her to understand her blame in the deal. I must disagree with you on one point, though, the pre-emptive strike. It looks to me like the wife, among other things, is afraid of her own embarrassment of being married to a crossdresser. So despite the threats of telling others, I wouldn't bet that she will. Coming out as a pre-emptive strike could be exactly what the wife wouldn't want to see. Just my opinion.
Counseling could help, but going to counseling to get the other spouse to see things your way won't work. They have to be working for the same thing. Where counseling could do the best is to open up the dialogue between Sam and wife. They really need to talk, but if it's going to work, the wife is going to have to start believing the truth instead of her own foregone conclusions about crossdressers. Samantha has opened up and needs to see the damage done by the years of hiding, but the wife must start thinking, talking, and acting rationally. And honestly.
Samantha, don't give in to extortion, or it will never end. I wish you the best, and I hope you'll keep us informed.

[Sandra]

When an unaccepting wife finds out, I find it interesting how they are not upset by the dressing, but by the "betrayal" Oh bull, they are upset by the dressing more than anything. If she had found out you had a gambling problem say, that would be a different story.

BS I think a lot of the GGs on here would beg to differ with you

[Avana]

When an unaccepting wife finds out, I find it interesting how they are not upset by the dressing, but by the "betrayal" Oh bull, they are upset by the dressing more than anything.

If that were the case, wouldn't someone be equally upset about seeing a random crossdresser on television or the street?

Someone might have an opinion about it, but it is the attachment to the person and the subsequent revealing of that person's true and previously concealed nature that causes the hurt feelings.

The key is that beyond the dressing there is the deep feeling of 'you are not who you led me to believe you were'. And this particular person seems to be relatively conservative in terms of values, which, coupled with what seems like a general ignorance about what crossdressing is, can lead to a lot of pain and confusion.

[ReineD]

But Samantha is right about "no big deal" dressing. It was done in private, at little expense, not very often, and did not detract from any responsibilities as a husband or father. Are we not entitled to a little privacy, private thoughts and activities that don't affect anybody else?

There is a huge difference between a harmless hobby such as reading Harlequin romances or doing crosswords (using your examples), and hiding a fundamental part of one's gender ID and sexuality,

I'm assuming when you say it is harmless, you see Samantha's CDing as being similar to your own, which you occasionally explain here as being a fetish. (Just to be clear, I do not put down fetish dressers). But, I would be heartbroken if I found out that my husband got off on things that he hid from me for years and that did not involve me. I would liken this to wanting to be with another woman and checking his email every so often to see if she had written (as compared to logging in here), and it would be a "big deal" to me. Even if my husband was in the room with me in body most of the time, he would not be 100% present since I'm sure there is an element of looking forward to "private time" and internet time that men who do not CD in hiding do not experience. Why is this so difficult to understand?

If on the other hand the CDing is not fetish or sexual for Samantha, then it must surely have a gender ID component, and this is also a "big deal". Does this make sense?

I don't blame Samantha's wife for insisting on knowing the truth. She wants an emotionally intimate and honest relationship with her husband. It's a pity he doesn't want the same, or that he may believe it is "no big deal" to bring an activity into his marriage that is a barrier to an emotionally honest and intimate relationship as long as it is hidden.

As previously said, the hiding is a moot point now. But to believe it is harmless to keep this from a wife is not OK, whether it is fetish or not.

At this point I've contributed all I can on this topic and I will not post more in this thread.

[SweetPea_GG]

The key is that beyond the dressing there is the deep feeling of 'you are not who you led me to believe you were'. And this particular person seems to be relatively conservative in terms of values, which, coupled with what seems like a general ignorance about what crossdressing is, can lead to a lot of pain and confusion.

I think you hit it spot on.. atleast for me this was one of the major issues that I felt when I first discovered on my own.

[Melody Moore]

When an unaccepting wife finds out, I find it interesting how they are not upset by the dressing, but by the "betrayal" Oh bull, they are upset by the dressing more than anything. If she had found out you had a gambling problem say, that would be a different story.

You dressed in private, you didn't try to force it on anyone, you didn't write off responsibility like work or family for this. You did nothing wrong.

I totally disagree, the OP did everything wrong by being so deceitful & dishonest!

Lorileah is right onto it here....

No the OP's perception is that the cross dressing was the issue. All the "are you gay, want to be a woman, want a man" questions are not about the clothing but about about what the wife thinks the clothing represents. The fact that it was a hidden and subversive hobby seems to be the issue with the OP. Harmless, in their view, undermining the relationship in mine (and I would say hers too). If it was just the clothes that bothered her, then she would have said, "Get rid of the clothes and everything will be OK".

I totally agree.... Its one thing to expect a wife to understand about the cross-dressing aspect of things here, but its a completely separate & more serious situation when it come to expecting the wife to get over the betrayal aspect of this situation while her cross-dressing husband is not willing to even address the problem & remedy the situation.

Here is a true story & it's nothing about cross-dressing, but its all about faith & trust. I kicked my son out of home after I found out he was stealing from me and lied about it. Sure I wouldn't have been happy to find out he stole from me, but he had a better chance of maintaining his dignity if he was honest about it, then tried to rectify & remedy the problem. I kicked my son out because he was in total denial of the problem when I knew differently. His own girlfriend called me up & told me that he stole from me & what he did with the goods that he took from me. If my son wasn't willing to acknowledge the mistake he made & remedy the situation, how could I trust him enough to ever want to give him another chance? The bottom-line is that my son completely destroyed all the faith & trust I ever had in him - now he is on his own until he learns to be accountable & take responsibility for his own actions.