Reine, I understand that you're not beating up on Samantha but rather trying to get her to take responsibility for her role in this mess. I believe that both of us and many others want to help any way we can by giving our views (but see post #60 for "it's all your fault" finger-pointing with nothing positive to contribute). Yes, we know we screwed up when we didn't tell when we should have.
I have read and re-read the OP. Samantha's "no big deal" comments refer to the dressing, not the wife's reaction to finding out. Obviously, Samantha knows that this is a big deal and is very distressed about it. But Samantha is right about "no big deal" dressing. It was done in private, at little expense, not very often, and did not detract from any responsibilities as a husband or father. Are we not entitled to a little privacy, private thoughts and activities that don't affect anybody else? Would the wife had gone ballistic if he had been, in his private time and place, reading Harlequin Romances or working crossword puzzles? No, it wasn't just the deceit, it was the crossdressing. And what is so horrible about crossdressing, Samantha asks. What's the big deal?
Let's not let the wife off the hook. She lied by saying she didn't care what he's into, she just wanted to know. So Samantha told all, the whole story, and got clobbered. When Samantha came clean, she gets screwed. When the wife deceived, she's the victim.
Lorileah, I believe that like others, you want the best outcome for Samantha, and want her to understand her blame in the deal. I must disagree with you on one point, though, the pre-emptive strike. It looks to me like the wife, among other things, is afraid of her own embarrassment of being married to a crossdresser. So despite the threats of telling others, I wouldn't bet that she will. Coming out as a pre-emptive strike could be exactly what the wife wouldn't want to see. Just my opinion.
Counseling could help, but going to counseling to get the other spouse to see things your way won't work. They have to be working for the same thing. Where counseling could do the best is to open up the dialogue between Sam and wife. They really need to talk, but if it's going to work, the wife is going to have to start believing the truth instead of her own foregone conclusions about crossdressers. Samantha has opened up and needs to see the damage done by the years of hiding, but the wife must start thinking, talking, and acting rationally. And honestly.
Samantha, don't give in to extortion, or it will never end. I wish you the best, and I hope you'll keep us informed.