Rambling is fine. Sometimes we have to take the scenic route to find ourselves.
One thing that most of us here agree on almost universally is that crossdressing isn't a disorder that is "curable." You can suppress it (push it back into the closet) but the urge will always be there.
In my case, I hid it from girlfriends and my wife for decades. I also deceived myself, telling myself that it was a perversion that had to be kept secret. The stress of doing so took a toll on me and on my relationships. One day, something prompted me to do a search on the 'net and what I learned there opened my eyes. I learned that CDing is fairly common and is well within the range of normal human behavior. This information, much of it gleaned from this forum, gave me the courage to talk to my wife and to accept my CDing for what it was, simply another way of expressing myself.
I still have bouts with guilt. You don't undo 30+ years of denial with one epiphany. Still, I am far happier now as a self-acknowledging CDer than I was when I was deep in the closet.
So, my message is not to worry so much about your confusion. You don't need an answer today or tomorrow or on any specific date. You'll figure things out when the time is right and in the meantime enjoy the journey. You may well find out things about yourself that you really didn't expect to find!
Keep reading and posting. Talking it through and reading of other people's experiences will help you, just as reading about your experience has helped me. I just wish that I had had your opportunity to come to terms with my CDing at a young age.
Hugs, Eryn
