Here's one piece of advice: break off all contact with your ex! Your guilt and shame that you associate with dressing is a result of her calling you a freak. One cannot serve two masters or go in opposite directions. Your dressing desire and your ex are opposites. Oil and water!
Cut your losses and run. You are not a freak; she's just narrow minded and judgmental. Move on and enjoy your life with someone who will love you and respect you for you. Life is too short to compromise at your young age. I get the feeling you are not over her but trust me: the past is often a predictor of the future. If she made you feel second rate once, it will happen again.
