The elephant in MY room is starting to make some noise

[Sara Jessica]

Sara, I can relate to what you are going through 100%...

Seems there are quite a few of us out there who can relate. The shared experience makes coping so much easier.

You are not alone in this Sara. Believe me, I ain't asking for whom the bell is tolling. . .

You (I) can be pretty damn happy on that middle path! Hang in there!

Debby

I hear that bell daily. Sometimes it seems kind of far off in the distance and others it rings rather loudly between my ears. All we can do is remind ourselves that the middle path is a valid place to be and that true happiness can be found there.

About a week ago I posted about the "middle pathers". There are a bunch of us sitting on the fence for now. Quite a few people didn't want anymore labels though. Anyways, I added the new title to my profile.

The label debate always bothers me. Human beings use labels for pretty much everything whether we realize it or not, whether we profess to reject labels or not. I am often on the receiving end of labeling at two extremes of the TG spectrum. I'm often accused of transitioning by some, of being CD by others. Technically, neither is correct and without a label to describe where I am on the spectrum, it's nearly impossible to convey both what is in my heart and how I live my life.

So for you middlepathers (MP - oh goody, a new acronym :D), how difficult is it to be in guy mode a bulk of the time? It must be unbearable if you are TSs who choose to remain with the status quo for the benefit of your families.

The analogy that was shared with me several years ago by my friend Christine Daniels was that it's like the white noise on a television set that isn't tuned to a channel. Some days that noise is quite loud and others it kind of fades into the background. Regardless, the noise is ever-present.

TG is a concept that is sometimes really hard for some people to get their heads around. You have to figure that 99.whatever% of people don't give a second thought to their gender on a day-to-day basis, yet it's something that I'm reminded of constantly whether I like it or not.

Is it unbearable? There are moments when it seems that way but remember, part of the commitment of being on a middle path has to do with both balance and fulfillment. If living on the guy side of the fence is constantly unbearable, then perhaps transition is the better path. But conversely, whether I consider myself to be TS or female, finding a degree of fulfillment as a male doesn't take anything away from the truth that resides in my heart.

So to bring this full circle (welcoming my elephant back into the picture), while the changes I have made to my appearance might serve me well on the female side of the path, of equal importance (or perhaps even greater importance) is that these changes help me cope. The changes bring my outward appearance that much closer to what is in my heart which often provides some solace on even the darkest of days.

Yes it is unbearable and I think that is the reason some talk about contemplating suicide. Some can handle the stress of MP'ing and some can't. Like the saying though, "life is a bit** and then you die".

The stress that leads some to take their own life often has to do with coping with the entire concept of being trans and how we choose to deal with it. My friend Christine once wrote "transition or die" when what ended up happening to her was the opposite, transition and die. Whenever I think of her, I get very upset because she is a person who, based on things she said to me along with a healthy dose of Monday-morning-quarterbacking, would have been much better off finding her place on the middle path.

This entire TG thing offers a richness of experience that I couldn't imagine trading away for anything because it's all I have ever known. Yet at the same time, it can be a royal pain in the ass that can cause so much heartache.