Alright, I'll play!!!Originally Posted by ReineD
...So, you're my guinea pig, so to speak, and I'm picking on you with my questions. :p I'd love to know how you feel.
All things being equal, yes, I would transition. I would have done so long ago if I knew then what I know now. But I never look back with any regret because doing so would be the same as wishing my family away, something I would never do.
I therefore find myself on the "middle path", a term that I heard elsewhere for the first time and whether or not my adoption of it fits the intended meaning, this is what it's all about for me.
My earliest memories as a child were all about questioning my gender. Putting it as simple as possible, the prayers to wake up in the morning as a little girl went unanswered. Imagine that.
So life went on and of course I was utterly alone in this whole thing, certainly the only person in this world who felt the way I do. Well that is aside from the freaky portrayals on television. As I got older, I did many of the things society would expect me to do including getting married, building a career and having a family. Around the same time though I began to explore this wonderful world of ours through a feminine perspective but it wasn't until I was in my mid-to-late 30's that I entered what I call my renaissance period which continues to this day.
The middle path has to do with my commitment to all that I have built, perhaps at the expense of what may end up being an insatiable desire to transition. This means that I am not willing to take the chance that all that I have built would somehow survive transition. Maybe I am lucky that I can find fulfillment on both ends of the gender spectrum but at least the pain that I feel in my heart on a daily basis is inflicted only on myself where transition would certainly inflict pain on all who are involved.
Might some on the TS end of things think I'm less authentic by choosing to stay on this particular path? You bet. But I dare to say that IRL, I have no shortage of true friends, both in transition along with fully transitioned, who support my path 100%. So in a nutshell, I do identify as a TS insofar as how I would be defined on a TG spectrum. At the same time, even though many would deny me this privilege, I also identify as female by virtue of what has been in my heart from day one. Yes, that and a few bucks would get me a latte at Starbucks but I think you can see my point.
So here I am on this middle path, surrounded by so many like-minded friends who give me strength to carry on whether that be on those rare semi-easy days or more difficult ones such as today has been. At the same exact time but in a different place on the path (so they cannot see one another), I have my family for whom my personal sacrifice is made. I place my sanity at risk every day of my life, not to mention the vice that squeezes my heart more often than not, all to be surrounded by a love that I am simply unwilling to risk.
Having said all that, I think I'll go and give my little girl a kiss. She's the only one home right now.
