The elephant in MY room is starting to make some noise

[Sara Jessica]

Don't shrug them off. Call her up and mention the comments and ask her why she's been doing them. If she mentions teh trans, you might want to be forthright and apologize for not opening up to her sooner (I'm assuming it's a her)

Wrong, my sage friend!!! This was from a guy, one of my best friends. He is one of the most witty people I know and no one is immune from his barbs. My hair just gives him fodder.

It's not an exact match, most self-identified middle pathers over taht the place that originated the term identify as CD's not TS's, though they do tend to have significant femme lives. Non-transitioning transsexual is what you are.

Right on, and I don't want anyone to think that I'm making some sort of attempt to co-op the term for exclusive use of the non-transitioning transsexuals of the world. I can think of one person in particular (and I think you know who she is) who is so very much like me with the exception that all things being equal, she would NOT transition. Yet she is on a middle path nonetheless in that her feminine presence in the world is in fact significant, as you put it. I think that is where the distinction is. One who is a closet-dweller cannot be on a middle path because they have not taken the important steps into this wonderful world of ours to explore what it is to be a social feminine creature. I would think the other caveat would be that there has to be some semblance of a balance to strike between two modes of existence, both female and male, which might intersect slightly but not completely by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm a little more careful with the term woman.... I personally feel I haven't earned my womanhood yet.

I'm right there with you Veronica. Don't get me wrong, I don't run around in my travels professing to be a woman. I'm read as being TG and if a conversation ensues and it comes up, I would define myself further within the TG spectrum. Where "woman" comes into play in my world is when I describe what is in my heart. There's not a TS hanging out in there, she is 100% female.

I'm relieved to read this, for several reasons. First, you and others who feel like you aren't spending half your lives hating it (however you want to define "it"). Second, if it was unbearable being in guy mode, I can't help but think this would shine through, resentments would build even if they were subconscious, and your families would feel the disconnect or the stress.

There are times when things feel unbearable, or when the stress of being trans does in fact boil over to a point where I do disconnect or the family senses the stress. That is just something which comes with the territory of being married to someone which issues such as these. My job is to do the absolute best I can in managing these issues to minimize that effect.

I didn't mention this earlier but my SO also has long hair (mid-back), long finger nails, pierced ears, shaved legs, clipped arm hair, etc. At first I took it that she had decided to maintain this in guy mode in order to make it easier and faster to just go out when she wanted to. It doesn't take her any longer to shower and apply her makeup as it does me. But now I know that she feels better about herself looking as feminine as she can all the time. I'm guessing there are aspects of her male appearance that she just hates. I also think that some people notice "he" is different from other men, maybe they connect the dots, maybe they judge, but then maybe they don't. We'll never know. My SO is out to all the people we know, whom we also know are open to the notion of gender variance.

My SO identifies as dualgender which I suppose is another word for middlepather. Who knows? Some people may feel just as she does and identify as TS.

You are in a unique place in that you are out and open to the others in your life. I have said before that despite my having such a rich circle of friends and amazing experiences in my female existence, I would still be considered "in the closet" when it comes to others in my everyday life knowing, thus the existence of my very own elephant!!!

Reine,

As much as some folks want to be exclusionary, I am absolutely certain that you are correct - that there is a scale of "discomfort" or "intensity" for those of us whose internal gender identity does not match their birth gender. Fetishists aside, I believe that this discomfort is alleviated by some degree of presenting in your internal gender, going all the way to needing to permanently transition to your internal gender. MTF 10-90%, 50-50%, 80-20%, whatever works, up to 100% full transition. Again, it is whatever works to alleviate the individuals gender "discomfort."

Very well said Debby.

I am in my mid 40's with a male body that has suffered the ravages of a male life all these years. I am madly in love with my wife, and yes, your question is "if she were onboard," but I am extremely satisfied, to be the man in her life and the father to my children. Finally, and I will admit that maybe it is a lifetime of being "conditioned" as a man, there are aspects of my life that I want to experience as a man and not as a woman. Maybe conditioning, maybe 40+ years of male privilege, whatever the case I AM happy and comfortable being a man at times. I still haven't figured out what percentage in what gender I need to be perfectly happy - I'm starting to think that it is a constantly moving target, but a life in two genders seems to be working.

I get a sense that your place on the middle path is a little less perilous than mine. I am happy with what I have built but all things being equal, there is nothing in my future that I would prefer to experience as a guy over doing so as a woman. Heck, I even have a really hard time referring to myself as a....well, you know. I'm hypersensitive to songs that refer to reveling in masculinity or even lyrical references to being male as this reminds me of a normal that I am not privy to. I have written before that I witness that "normal" male in my circle of friends and have moments of profound envy for these guys in that (I assume) they are part of the 99.whatever% of people who give their gender no second thought. I am uncomfortable being male, yet I have gotten this far doing it so I must have done something right. Still, there are moments when I wish I could be something that is impossible for me to be, even if only for those who love me the most.