I may be wrong, but most of the arguing that has been taking place here is not what the original post was referring to. The question of whether to tell or not to tell has no single answer as every situation is different. What I gathered from the topic was that it was a form of a plea to everyone to stop taking a holier than thou attitude toward those types of topics that do not necessarily have a definitive answer. We make a point of telling everyone to treat each other respectfully, and for the most part that happens. However, every once in a while a controversial subject arises, and while attacks are not made directly against other posters, an indirect attack often does take place. This thread has provided an example of that by the insistence by some that not telling is a lie. By association, that is the same as calling the person a liar. I know that the opening post used the word liar, but it came across to me as a caustic means of highlighting the plea that I refer to above.

When I first read the post, and some of the early replies, I noticed that most of those replies were somewhat understanding of the mentality of uncertainty and shame that leads to continued non disclosure. However, they did not address the plea. In my first response, I talked a bit about secrecy and its impact on our lives and how there is no one answer to such questions that will fit every situation. I closed with a reference to what I saw as the point of the thread by using Isha's own reference saying we should not wag our fingers at anyone for their decisions.

Subsequent posts continued to be mostly understanding of the to tell or not to tell dilemma, but by the middle of the second page were beginning to take on a bit more of a tone that it is always better to tell. Fair enough, but they were still not addressing the primary point about the dangers inherent in the insistence on the "this is the right way" approach. I wrote my second reply, pointing out that because of my age, I grew up in a totally different socio-economic environment than we live in today, or even thirty or forty years ago. It's very easy to use hind sight and say that I should have done this differently or that differently. But hind sight tends to overlook all the unique circumstances we were dealing with back then. Should anyone be considered "bad" for the decisions made on such controversial subjects? Because the fact that modern thinking tends to say that such and such is the right approach to a specific topic mean that the old way of thinking was wrong? Sometimes its best and sometimes its not. Are we heading toward eutopia or oblivion? You will get opinions both ways, because that is what it is all about; opinions.

In response to my second post, Lorileah wrote

"Most are doing it (i.e. CDing) on the sly...who sneaks around doing things? People who are doing something wrong, right."
Parenthesis were mine for context.

This use of words such as sly, sneak and wrong, left no doubt as to the intent to portray non disclosure as bad or evil, and elevate the unmentioned disclosure to something more akin to saintliness.

Her next line was:

... Quick aside here, it isn't you must tell PEOPLE...it is you must tell the one you promised to be honest with forever and ever, ok back to the point
In my post "you must tell" was in quotation marks, making it an adjectival phrase describing people who feel they must tell, not that you must tell people. That changes the whole context of what I wrote.

Most of her reply was about TG rights which is not the topic so I will not address them. She concluded by saying:

Yes it is hard to discard misplaced feelings, unteach wrong feelings, relearn something (and admit, this is all learned response.) But we have in the last 80 years done just that. We know that things we were taught are incorrect.
I apologize to Lorileah for highlighting her post, but did so because I felt that it represented what the opening post was attempting to make its plea about. In an ideal world it would be wonderful if we could disclose all to everyone, especially those closest to us. And if we could also come and go as we please without any fear of losing friendships, jobs, respect, loss of limbs or life, our family or anything else because of our crossdressing. But we do not live in a perfect world. Discretion is often the better part of valour. Many of us are able to suppress our personal desires for the greater good of family, or at least develop our own opportunities for discrete occasional indulgences. By all means tell us your story, how you were able to overcome your personal obstacles, what reactions you received from those you loved, what you are doing to maintain your own personal space and peace of mind. Just don't lecture us and write sermons about how we are going to hell for not seeing things your way.

Veronica