Long time member - back after 16 years - I'm trapped.

[Marissa Mae]

Marissa, first sorry to hear your sad story. It really sounds like you did try and do it the right and honest way. Which does say a lot about your character and personality. You will find massive support here. We all want you here and yes we all have stories from which hopefully others can learn. Welcome from me, a dresser from the UK. Thank you for sharing. Take care of yourself please.

Hi Stephanie, thank you for your kind words, and the warm welcome. I'm nearly overwhelmed by the responses, and know that I've made the right choice in sharing with you here.

Your story is proof that a spouse who appears accepting today, may not be in the future. There just seems to be no way of knowing for sure. Thanks for sharing your story. It must be difficult for you.

Many of us are not able to dress up at home and know how it feels. At least my wife makes no negative comments about things from the past as long as I keep things in the closet so to speak.

Sandi

Sandi, thank you for reading and responding. The change in the dynamic was gradual, just one day it was an off-limits thing, and ever since then the frustration started to grow and be repressed. Funny as you mention the negative comments, as I sit here and type this, wife found a pair of my socks in the wash and just had to say something "oh, a pair of Marissa socks, eh?"... to which I replied: "they're just socks". My aim now is to just normalize it: they're not "Marissa's clothes", they're just clothes.

Marissa, my "simmering resentment" is what caused our divorce. Our therapists said I began letting my ex control me when I found it easier to bear it then get into another nasty fite!

But, by the time I began telling her I wasn't going to put up with her BS anymore it was too late. Our communication and intimacy was over. Soon our marriage was, too!

Men need to stand up for yourselves unless u were in a fem dom relationship from the beginning. Or your resentment may build up and kill your relationship as mine did!

Sherry, so sorry to hear how your relationship/marriage ended. The building up of resentment is a festering ocean of negative thoughts and energy, and it saps whatever joy I have in life and makes me on-edge everyday. It affects how I interact with the kids as well, as I'm so short tempered with them at times.

The wife and I have talked about seeing a therapist together to discuss things, we just need to find the time in our lives to get it on the calendar. On most topics we have pretty good/ to great, communication, but sensitive topics are much more difficult to breech.

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Marissa
My deepest sympathy. I know how difficult it is to be in your situation. There are so few women that understand and really accept our desire to dress. I've been thru 2 divorces one knew about my fem fashion and verbally accepted and supported it. I sometime think it was a facade and probably a reason for our divorce. I was very guarded from that point on and even when I came out to a very liberal college professor who I loved and still hold dear to my heart. After a year I thought if anyone would be accepting it would have been her. I did a full disclosure and she spoke to me twice after that. I cant say I don't miss her but I know I could never live in the closet with a significant other. My desire and need to express my fem side is to strong to be restrained by stipulations.
We all make choices and set boundaries that we are willing to live by. Know who you are, Know what your needs are, and know what you're willing to sacrifice for the things you desire most. Make sure you talk to your wife and she is absolute in her needs and desires. Work on compromises to save the relationships if it is of equal value to both of you. My sinical self would ask if she isn't looking for a way out of the relationship without being the bad guy. The stress of any relationship is huge and every relationship is different. Maybe you should go to couples counseling. You both have issues with your desire to dress that affect the relationship.

Also Know that kids know when there is stress and underlying discomfort in the household. All they want is acceptance and love. My daughter once told me I don't care that you and mom don't get along and it is good that you are apart, I just need to know that you both love me and I'm not going to lose my dad or mom in the divorce. Kids are adaptable especially young ones.
Understand I'm not telling you to go separate ways. First work on a solution that works for both of you if you can.

If not then remember what my grandfather used to say. It's better to be alone than to be in bad or hostile company. You both have a right to some happiness.

You have my upmost understanding. I wish you the best on whatever path you travel. Every journey starts with the first step so your choice, stand still or step forward.

Hugs RAVen

Hi Raven, thank you for such a profound insight that touches on what makes this a doozy of a subject: the children. We'd do anything for our kids, protect them and love them through thick and thin, and I just can't bear the thought of this fracturing or destroying our home. The relationship with the wife is so tough as it is, raising the little ones is very hard for me (having kids/being a parent was never something I really wanted), so that takes center stage, while the dressing and other stuff is on the back burner (no time to talk about it, kids need attention ASAP). I know they'll get older and more independent at some point, which will free up some of our time and sanity (hopefully), but one of her fears is when the kids do get older and more in tune with what's going on, what happens when they find out dad wears dresses and heels?

I think we're just stuck in a repetitive cycle of negative feedback loops, every day is a slog, nothing changes, routine is king. Breaking out of that and getting some fresh perspectives is what we need, otherwise nothing will change.

Definitely keep talking to your therapist. It?s so interesting to see the tables turned? a wife who claims to have pretended to be into your crossdressing in order to land you. What Irony! But maybe it?s a bit more complicated. It could be she had a change of heart when kids became part of the picture. That does happen. It happened in my first marriage. Maternal instincts are powerful

On the other hand, if she really was being that dishonest, she really owes you an apology and should afford you some consideration. Sixteen years of self-denial combined with ridicule?thats a lot to bear.

Sorry to hear of your situation, it happens too frequently too those of us who prefer a different wardrobe.
I once heard someone say, "A woman marries a man and hope he'll change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman going she'll never change, but she does."

It's really depressing, the 180 that occurred, remembering how amazing the first couple of years were, it was the best I'd ever felt because there was nothing being hidden anymore and I got to fully be who I am. To have it snatched away leaves me feeling so empty.

Having kids enter the picture, and the world-changing effects that had on her and I, cannot be understated. The mother bear instincts are not to be bargained with, and I can fully understand her wanting to protect her family and children. I think the main threats for her have to be the societal and familial impact that would occur if someone were to find out, or how it'll affect the children. Totally understandable from her point of view.

I too know of a wife who presented herself one way, we bought a house, got married, had a child, and now decided she doesn't like cycling any more - though that was how we met and our main bond - and that she doesn't like sex any more - despite telling me many times about how much of a nympho she was when she was younger. Thanks for that. I love being told how much my wife loved sex with everybody else whilst she denies it to me.

It's painful when somebody changes, but I cannot claim to be a saint considering I went into this relationship thinking that I wasn't interested in dressing, and then started again, she found out, now it's DADT. Funny thing being that now I have zero desire to dress these days (full circle) it's not something I can say "Hey, so I don't dress any more" because she won't discuss it at all.

Charlotte, thank you for replying, and for sharing. The intimacy between my wife and I, that's completely changed since the kids arrived (almost like she got what she wanted, and doesn't need me for that anymore)... she uses the dressing in such a way: "you know that when you dress, it makes me want you less, it pushes me further away". She uses it against me whenever she wants to strike a blow, it seems, whereas in the early days she actively allowed me to incorporate it. I get being the man for her and stuff, she wants to be with a man and not a woman, and that makes sense, but nowadays it just seems like a cop-out for her when she isn't in the mood.

Fully DADT now, yet she brings it up more often than I do, and it's always in the negative. It's NEVER anything remotely supportive or positive.

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Thank you for the warm welcome back, Bea What you said regarding "enough" really resonates with me, and balance has been something that I've consciously had to strive to find. It goes back to finding our boundaries (my wife and I), respecting them, acknowledging one anothers needs. Yet... I feels like I'm the one always compromising and giving away more of my freedom to ensure she isn't "overwhelmed", and so there's just nowhere near "enough" for me, and I am desperately trying to find some answers to help me out.

I ask myself though: if the reverse were true, if she fully allowed me to dress whenever/however, would the brakes on the train fail and I'd explode in a cloud of pink? Would I want to become a woman? Would the family find out? I think that's where my wife may be scared, that she'd give an inch and I'd take a mile, and no amount of reassurance from me seems to matter.