I'm growing to hate Halloween

[Maria in heels]

Kimberly,

I do understand your situation, as my wife each year says that I can dress as Maria..this year, I told her it is going to be a frilly maids outfit including petticoat black or pink her choice...its next weekend and suddenly I have no answer from her...looks like I may just be like you and spend this year in drab...

stay smiling...

Maria

[Rachel_Red]

Its ok I haven't been a fan of holloween for a while. For me though its all the gore infested movies... I dunno not my thing, I get sick of seeing comercials for Saw 1,250!!!

[Karen564]

It never got as far as choosing an outfit. As soon as the very concept came up I was nuked. Not disuaded, not talked out of it, not even smacked - NUKED. ROFL

I'm understanding where your comming from now, & I can appreciate how you feel..kinda leaves a bad taste in ones mouth after that..

It's so hard to handle this emotionally when your cut off at the pass, or shot down before you even left the starting gate.. It's a huge blow, and now you probably want to know exactly where this sudden attitude change came from, & asking yourself if she always had some problem with this along, and it's now just comming out?? It does make one wonder right??

You know what you need to do, your very caring person with a good head on your shoulders, (& a very pretty one at that) and it sounds like maybe it's time for you & her to have a nice heart to heart talk as a loving man & wife should do to get the air cleared, (Unless you've already done that)

As your also very much aware of, life & marriages is full of ups & downs, twist & turns with some bumps requiring some compromises along the way, and how we all ever get through that without totally breaking down or getting lost along the way truly amazes me at times, but we do get through all of it regardless..
But the truth is, it really is easier to just stop & ask for directions before you run out of gas..LOL

Kim,
All the best to you babe..
I'm hoping it's just a little bump in the road & nothing serious..

[sissystephanie]

Sorry, Kimberly. That is a situation which certainly could generate your feelings about Halloween!

I have only been to one Halloween costume party in my long life! Unfortunately, our costumes were chosen for us by the people giving the party. My late wife and I went as as two old time convicts, complete with back and white striped pants and tops. We both also had shackles (made of plastic foam) and carried big black iron balls(also made of foam) in our hands. We did at least win a prize for best costume! ($100.00!) That made it worthwhile! BTW, my dear wife made the costumes herself! Except for the shackles and iron balls, which I made!

But my dear wife did pay me a compliment. She told me that she wished we could have gone as two girls because I was so cute in a dress!!! At least in her opinion!

[Jonianne]

.......we are talking about feelings here and they are rarely logical. .......

Yes, feelings just are. And where better to vent them, but here.

I didn't hear Kim say she was going to violate the boundry her wife feels necessary, just expressing some frustration on an issue that hasn't been worked out positively for both. We don't always get what we want all the time and it's OK to feel bad about it.

[kimmy p]

Kim, I like you. Your stories are wonderful to read, and you look like a dream. So saying I fell that I need to say this (in a loving, caring way though). It's time to stop yore bitching and put on your big girl panties! Listen, I'm sorry that your wife doesn't want you to wear a ladies Halloween costume, but the fact is you have more freedom than just about anyone else on this forum. You travel en-femme. You dine out, go to shows, heck you get to do almost anything you want to dressed. And you look good doing it. Fact is I'm jealous. I wish that I could go out just once looking like you and hit a live show or something. But that's where my wife draws the line. I need to be discrete about my tastes. Halloween is the only time I go outside dressed. If dressing in a ladies costume is so important to you then make sure that you're out of town next Halloween. I'm not trying to be mean, but count your blessings for what you have, and don't begrudge what you don't have (yet) so much.

With respect,
Kimmy

[Alice Torn]

As a kid, and teen, I loved Holloween, and the mischief i could get into! But, later in life, i learned a lot about the origins of it- very creepy! Unfortunately, it is the only time a cd can walk the sidewalks and stores dolled up, and not get jeered much. Other than that, I no longer have any use for Holloween. It is the only time some of us can go out, with little unwanted attention! I am single, and now understand some, how much work it takes for you marrieds. Singleness is terribly lonely, but marriage demands great compromise, and patience, self-denial, daily.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Well, that sums it up - I'm growing to hate Halloween.
I just returned from a Halloween party thrown by a co-worker. There were many wonderful and fun people there and I had a reasonably nice time I suppose. The thing is, so many women were wearing cute and adorable costumes, and yes, more than one or two were sexy as well.
Yup, I think Halloween sucks . . .

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...73&postcount=1

Yup, Halloween sucks....which sucks because it was for many years my favorite holiday, but now the TG thing has to mess it up a little.

I actually don't encourage people to do Halloween en femme, though I'm not opposed to it either. I think it's something that needs to be thought about seriously, because "experimentation changes you". It did me. I did an en femme Halloween in 2001, haven't done it since, in part because it feels like I'm being dishonest in a way.

"Ha ha, I'm transgendered/TS who hasn't started transitioning, and you can't say anything because it's Halloween!"

If you read my post you'll see where I picked up my late mother from the "sheltered workshop" where she worked. Several of the staff members saw me and made a big fuss.

Well....now I recently got hired to work at that very same place as staff and during my training a few weeks back one of the other staff members brought that Halloween up. She still remembered and commented on it in a way that was a bit nosy and implying she thought she had some idea of what was going on behind the scenes. My sister has mentioned that this same person has brought it up before.... "Remember that year when your brother dressed as a woman, and he did his own makeup" yadda yadda yadda.

That worries me a bit, even though I do want to transition so I'm going to come out anyway in due time.

So I can understand your wifes trepidation. Crossdressing well, gets remembered and noticed.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to wear a women's costume...coz I do. I just can't bring myself to do it because of the "honesty" thing on my part. This year I'm working Saturday so the choice was put off....but I wanted to.

Its sucky to hear that. Sorry about that Kim.
But look at the bright side, you get to do a lot, stuff that other girls on here only wish of doing.

Indeed, Kim is a role model to me too.

So, a no go for halloween, sucks yes, but you can always think of it this way - leave it for the folks in the closet to enjoy, you have the other 364 days to be out.

Don't worry, Halloween for us CDs is like New Years and St. Patty's day is for heavy drinkers - amateur hour!

Yup.

Does everything have to be a difficult compromise that neither of you are happy with?

Sometimes, yes, I think. Especially for the transfolk I call "Protos" One way of putting it is that "Protos" are Transsexuals who call themselves crossdressers, not by mindset or nature, but by a choice that they'd have rather not made.

All of us get down sometimes and feel like the beauty, the success, the relationships, or the entire lives of others are rubbing our faces in what we will never be. Hang in there, Kim!

Yup.

Has there maybe been "too much Kim" lately? I'm sure at one point you both were fine with everything. Has your envelope maybe gotten bigger, and she's resenting that what used to be "us" time is becoming more "you" time?

That could be.

And it's true, with the time we've put into achieving where we are in feminine presentation, we'd be a little tooooo good at it to not raise some eyebrows.

Yes, indeed.

So for me, Halloween is all about the kids. I will enjoy the event with them.

Yes, I've tried to focus on enjoying the joy of the kids (and their parents) that come to the door for the candy.

You're traveling as a woman, posting youtube videos singing your own work as a woman,.......

Of course, I think you know you're annoyed because you get a sense of how much you'd enjoy running Kim past everybody and how it fits more with the "real you" than the "fake you" you have to show everyone for the sake of "the rules." It'd be a break from following the rules and it would be nice to be honest in a completely socially acceptable way.

This is an opportunity for both of you to test the waters for what is to come. You get to be more of yourself, she gets to see if her fears and concerns make any real sense.
You meanwhile, may be thinking of doing more and more as Kim... If so she needs to know it when you do.

Either way, it would be better to float these issues safely now before it becomes the "cause" of a break up - where everyone assumes it's because you were CD/TG or whatever.

Hmmm, this is insightful and I think we both are thinking the similar things.

I'd never advise closeted folks to dress femme at Hallowe'en. You won't feel comfortable at a "straight" gathering, unless you really want your acquaintances to wonder about you for the rest of the year, unless you really want those pictures floating around on their facebook pages for eternity, unless you really want to make your wives and SO's uncomfortable, unless you really want to lose a bit of respect in the eyes of your friends (especially female friends).

This is also insightful.

Veronica Rogers

[TxKimberly]

Yes, feelings just are. And where better to vent them, but here.

I didn't hear Kim say she was going to violate the boundry her wife feels necessary, just expressing some frustration on an issue that hasn't been worked out positively for both. We don't always get what we want all the time and it's OK to feel bad about it.

You know, I couldn't possibly say it any better than that Joni, so I'll just quote you and say "Yeah, what she said!" lol

My marriage is in no danger folks, so don't worry about that. I love her, she loves me, I was just mad and disappointed and was indeed venting here.

[Niya W]

Hmm what would of happened if you just got dressed en fem and surprised the wife that way ?

[Miranda09]

You know, I couldn't possibly say it any better than that Joni, so I'll just quote you and say "Yeah, what she said!" lol

My marriage is in no danger folks, so don't worry about that. I love her, she loves me, I was just mad and disappointed and was indeed venting here.

Better to vent here Kimberly than with your wife. That wouldn't accomplish anything and I know you love her too much to hurt her that way.

[Rebecca Jayne]

[SIZE="4"]Its a great family time. Great neighborhood event.

To see the parents out with their children going up and down the streets, the little ones out in a cute costume, a little shy to open the bag for candy, its a great time and its all for the kids.[/SIZE]



My only complaint is the the malls have ruined it now that they hand out cheap stuff to a parade of kids who have no idea how much fun it is to go Trick or Treating.

[Karen564]

My marriage is in no danger folks, so don't worry about that. I love her, she loves me, I was just mad and disappointed and was indeed venting here.

Thank god for that!!!, My prayers must of really worked then..LOL..


Venting is good!!

Retail therapy is even better..LOL..

[FluffyPersian]

Hmm what would of happened if you just got dressed en fem and surprised the wife that way ?

I'm not sure what the result would be, but it definitely wouldn't be pleasant for either of them.

[Sammy777]

Personally, I would probably avoid going to a mainstream costume party en femme unless I was 100 percent certain I was willing to out myself to whom ever was there.

Have you ever seen men at costume parties who aren't usually crossdressers dress up? They look terrible.

People like us on the other hand would do it so well, people would pretty much guess we've done it before.

That, and I think we'd enjoy it way too much. Just my observations.

I don't think that is really true.
I was at a pretty big bar party and no one ever brought up that subject.
I got some whys from a few of the people I knew/saw there.
And I just responded, just because.

I wasn't a guy playing a girl [as in just dressed as a girl], I was in a girl's costume and while I didnt look my best I was still far better then the frat guy in a bad dress n wig look, lol.

And yes I did enjoy it and myself a lot that night.
I also didnt get so much as one joke or comment about it afterwards.

Besides - the better then average makeup and look can always be "blamed" on the girlfriend, wife, SO, whatever.

The well worn heels are a different story,

[TxKimberly]

Originally Posted by niya blake View Post
Hmm what would of happened if you just got dressed en fem and surprised the wife that way ?

I'm not sure what the result would be, but it definitely wouldn't be pleasant for either of them.

Yup, Fluffy got that one right. There ARE times in a relationship or marriage when you are justified in standing your ground, even if it results in pissing off your spouse - this wouldn't be it.
You save those for important things like taking care of the children, home, cars, etc. A reasonably intelligent person that loves their spouse and wishes to remain happily married, doesn't start a major confrontation over a minor thing like this.
Now if my wife ever stomps her foot and tells me that she will no longer accept my cross dressing at all, even when it's done far from home, THEN we will begin facing off, digging fox holes, and setting up the concertina wire.

[LisaM]

Kimberly,

I understand completely how you feel. I went to a costume party a few nights ago a I thought I looked great.

The next day my SO asked me about the party and I told her it was fun and I thought I looked good. I sheepishly said I should wear the same outfit to a non-TG Halloween party next weekend and she immediately went cold. She eventually looked at me and said an emphatic, NO.

I asked if she wanted to see a picture of me and I received another emphatic, NO. So I understand how you feel. I get extremely depressed and anxious sometimes at parties when I see other women dressed so beautifully and socializing so naturally. I haved learned that I need help to control both depression and anxiety.

[TGMarla]

Here's the thing for me: I don't want to dress up as a woman for Halloween, no matter how cute the outfit, because to me, this is not a cosutme. This is not a masquerade. This is an outward manifestation of something deep within myself that I dearly wish was real for me.

I did the en femme thing for Halloween once, and I did it real well....probably too well, like most of us here. I'm sure people talked. "Dang, he sure did look pretty, eh? Maybe he does this all the time!" So I try to keep Halloween spooky. I like the goblins and the ghosts, the witches and the zombies, stuff like that. Marla isn't real scary. In fact, she's kinda pretty. So it doesn't jive for Halloween for me.

And my wife, who is aware that I crossdress, isn't real thrilled with the idea in the first place. Were I to "Marla up" for Halloween, it would be the thinnest disguise and the most obvious of excuses possible to her. Whether she is right or not, my crossdressing makes her uncomfortable, and therefore, I do not put it in her face, much as I'd like it to be more out in the open.

But really, the bottom line for me is that Halloween is all about scary stuff and spooks, and Marla is not a costume, not scary, and not spooky. Marla is far too real to treat her as though she was nothing more than a disguise.

But hey....that's just me.

Boo!

[joank]

Yes Kim,
I have had the same issue since I came out to my SO many years ago. In addition, I continue to have other events crowd on this day, example, best friend wants to go fishing on Friday and that stops going out to get pedicure or the store dressed cause it will pull too much time. I have not ever gone out 'dressed' , ever. Oh well.

[Raquel June]

Raquel, not to try and twist my sorry and childish post concerning Halloween into a discussion on the meaning of life, but . . . It seems to me that both of your above points come close to defining a few important points about a marriage. In a marriage, you often DO have to constantly make compromises and accept things you don't like about each other. I could list countless examples and even started to do so before I decided it was gonna be too huge and too personal. If your single, you are free to say "Damn the torpedoes!" etc, but when your married and have children, you MUST make compromises or you will not remain married.

A compromise is not having to have your way everyday over what's for dinner or what movie to see. Sure, there are a lot more serious compromises concerning putting other people first and not doing what you would've wanted to do at a certain time in your life. But then there are big things which are asinine to compromise over. If one of you is an atheist and the other holds intelligent design seminars it's stupid for you to try to compromise every day of your lives. One partner becomes dominant and the other partner has to keep major parts of their life hidden. That's not compromise. That's two people who resent each other and one is trying to appease the other.

Sure, a lot of relationships fall apart because nobody puts any effort into it. The standard "I don't love you anymore" usually really means "I care a lot more about myself than you." It's a fact that arranged marriages are just as likely to succeed as other marriages because any two reasonable people have a decent change of making things work. But it's a bizarre philosophy to hold up the sanctity of marriage above either of your happiness. If you can list countless examples of things you don't like about each other that you have to constantly compromise about, that's a very bad sign.

I only bring this up because nobody else is. Most people think either that you should count your blessings and continue to let her keep you down or that you should stand up for yourself more and make her more miserable. Neither one of those is a good long-term solution.

I try not to think of what I could've done better in life. I try not to sit around whining about what went wrong and what I would've done differently. I try not to have any regrets. You know, everything is a learning experience and all that nonsense. But when I look back at my life the one regret I can't shake is the amount of time I spent in a bad relationship. I was with a woman for 12 years who was wonderful. She's was (well, is actually) a very caring, very giving, very beautiful person. But the relationship was terrible. I was depressed. She was depressed. It wasn't anything about crossdressing -- that was back when I felt completely damaged because of my gender issues and wouldn't ever tell anyone. But I felt trapped and we both wanted me to act manly and it was terrible. She started to break down and said horrible things about me, told me I was ugly, made fun of my receding hairline, and cheated on me repeatedly. I wish I'd had the strength to end it 10 years sooner. Now I'm with a woman who totally loves me and actually encourages me to be myself. She truly makes me feel beautiful. I'm actually happy because I'm being myself, and she's happy because she loves the real me and thinks she's lucky to have me. I can't believe how low my self-esteem was that I thought I needed to put up with the abuse I got before. And today I'm friends with my ex, but both of us still shake our heads and say, "What were we thinking making each other miserable for so long?"

Just because a relationship seemed good before either of you had any idea who the other actually was inside doesn't necessarily mean there's anything left to salvage after years of it sucking.

I'm not telling you to do anything. I just wanted to relate my feelings. I feel bad, and I hope you're not living in fear of being yourself. I hope you're not like I was -- living in fear of what life would be like without someone who treats you badly. I hope you get the happiness and acceptance and love you deserve.

If I had kids with an unsupportive woman I probably would've stayed in the relationship until they were 18. But would that be justified? Obviously the most important thing is providing a good environment for your children, but kids know when mommy and daddy are miserable even if you try to hide it.

Sometimes, yes, I think. Especially for the transfolk I call "Protos" One way of putting it is that "Protos" are Transsexuals who call themselves crossdressers, not by mindset or nature, but by a choice that they'd have rather not made.

Don't wanna get too OT, and this is likely not something you're going to get a lot of agreement on in the main section, but I agree totally. If I were still trapped in a bad relationship I would probably still be playing the "I'm a crossdresser and I like being a guy" game, even though 100% of the time I'm in guy mode it's a choice I would prefer not to have to make and more because of my own fear.

[SuzanneBender]

If Kimberly's life sucks then it's time for me quit crossdressing and go play more ice hockey.........

Oh no you don't Karren. You are so much cuter in pink than in pads!

[suchacutie]

Kimberly, I very much admire all you have accomplished as your feminine self, and I'm so sorry to hear that you and your wife have any disconnect at all about the whole nature of that feminine self. When you said that this was an emotional issue, I sat here nodding my head!

When I started this exploration of Tina, it was calm, almost theoretical. The more I learn about her the more emotional it becomes. I really want to know all I can about her. This weekend we were planning a long day for Tina, and with one thing and another it didn't work out. Tina hasn't been around much lately and I was sooo looking forward to some serious Tina time! The emotional letdown was almost scary! Yet, the reasons all revolved around some time with my wife, and it didn't take more than a few minutes to realize what the priorities are. As disappointed as I was, I was, as always, delighted to spend time with my wife as her husband!

So, yes, I'm amazed at the emotions our feminine selves generate, and especially amazed at the emotional letdown of an expectation of being en femme that doesn't happen. Please put that emotion aside before having that talk with your wife that you know you need to have about the issue and the emotions involved. She clearly has some concerns that haven't surfaced til now, and I do imagine you want to get them out in the open so they can be resolved.

Hang in there Kimberly! You really do inspire all of us who are trying to figure out our feminine selves and how they can fit into this strange world around us!

Tina

[Alana Lucerne]

From my point of view, Halloween is a time to dress up in a costume. It seems to me, Kimberly, that when you are dressed as a woman you are not wearing a costume. Costumes are jokes (man in a dress) or symbolic (witches and goblins and such) but they are not meant to be what you are. I think you wife may be doing you a favour by unconciously (perhaps) indicating that your dressing as a woman on Halloween makes a joke of it. It isn't a joke, it's the way you really are. So, this halloween, make a joke of it. Wear some technogeek stuff and go as a nerd..... oops, I hope you aren't really a technogeek! you don't have a pocket protecter do you?

[DaphneGrey]

This year I am going as Abby from NCIS my wife's Idea and my two boys are having fun with the whole thing. That is what Halloween is all about after all. It is about having having fun, perhaps making people laugh. I have other outlets to express my gender. If she didn't suggest I be abby I would have just as happily been a Pirate. The thing is all four of us will be together and having fun!

The other thing I wanted say was Halloween is not a crossdressing national holiday, its about kids candy and family fun.

Not to give you a hard time Kimberly I know how those slights can feel, I have gotten many over the years so vent away.

[Philippa Jane]

Hi Kim
I was very surprised when I read the first post on Halloween.
I like many others have come to enjoy your sometimes wry humour and was disappointed that you spat the dummy in the dirt and had a dig at your loving wife.
(Spit the dummy is Aussie for a tantrum)
It was so unlike “The Golden Girl” image I had of you.
Fortunately my faith was restored when more replies were forthcoming from you saying that you were only venting.
I did so like this next bit.

." THEN we will begin facing off, digging fox holes, and setting up the concertina wire."

It really was so you.
PJ