K,

Something about all this doesn't add up to a happy family or a happy future if things continue like this.

You're traveling as a woman, posting youtube videos singing your own work as a woman, commenting on these pages daily, raising children in the same home... How long before you're outed in a big way and that's that?

And, your wife knows about all, or, for all intents and purposes, most of the important parts of who you are and what you do - as far as anyone else she's worried about will be concerned.

I'll say one thing for my SOs all my life: If I was doing something, it was me doing it, not them. If other people thought I was odd, they'd say:

"Yeah, that's him. Personally, I don't see it that way, but I like 'em and love 'em along with that... It's just part of the package, you know."

Halloween can be a very useful tool for both you and your wife. Get the idea out there now so that later people can say:

"Well... You know... He did have a great costume at that Halloween party and it went over really well... I guess we know now why it was so good... Whewie. Well, if that's what he wants to do I guess it's OK; didn't do any harm then and can't see, considering they're pretty good folks, any harm now. God bless his wife for putting up with it. Hellva hobby, or, whatever it is."

Of course, I think you know you're annoyed because you get a sense of how much you'd enjoy running Kim past everybody and how it fits more with the "real you" than the "fake you" you have to show everyone for the sake of "the rules." It'd be a break from following the rules and it would be nice to be honest in a completely socially acceptable way.

Which, in reality, is a big part of what such days on the calendar were/are for... Letting off some social steam, relating in different ways in a safe environment, and so forth. The church "holy days or feast days," for example, were always partly designed for such public "misbehavior" because they weren't "normal" days and the rules (and, "punishments") were relaxed/suspended for that short period of time. The original, "What goes on at Mardi Gras, stays at Mardi Gras..."

Your situation sounds like a few bridges I have had to cross carrying my SO on my back. I've just had to say:

"OK, here's how the logic of all this works: there's no way to so easily present this except at such events. This is safe, it's acceptable, and whatever eyebrows get raised, it's done in such a way that they can draw their own conclusions, make their own peace, and all our lives can go on without it being such a big deal."

This is an opportunity for both of you to test the waters for what is to come. You get to be more of yourself, she gets to see if her fears and concerns make any real sense. It's your lives, and your lives to manage. It's up to couples to work out their lives within the community. This is a way for you both to make some room to work in... And, it's better done now than before you really need some breathing space - as in "your big secret lives" get outed by "accident" at some random point in time.

Sorry to hear about the conflict. I'm not sure this is so much how she feels about you as she feels about the situation she thinks you both might be in vis a vis what everyone else thinks.

She knows you dress, etc, and you are still together and living your lives fairly happily. Her view of you couldn't be all that bad...

You meanwhile, may be thinking of doing more and more as Kim... If so she needs to know it when you do.

Either way, it would be better to float these issues safely now before it becomes the "cause" of a break up - where everyone assumes it's because you were CD/TG or whatever.

That's not going to be the reason. The reason would be more like you both felt you'd do better pursuing your lives apart than together. No blame there, just two smart people working out a better arrangement.