Quote Originally Posted by TxKimberly View Post
Raquel, not to try and twist my sorry and childish post concerning Halloween into a discussion on the meaning of life, but . . . It seems to me that both of your above points come close to defining a few important points about a marriage. In a marriage, you often DO have to constantly make compromises and accept things you don't like about each other. I could list countless examples and even started to do so before I decided it was gonna be too huge and too personal. If your single, you are free to say "Damn the torpedoes!" etc, but when your married and have children, you MUST make compromises or you will not remain married.
A compromise is not having to have your way everyday over what's for dinner or what movie to see. Sure, there are a lot more serious compromises concerning putting other people first and not doing what you would've wanted to do at a certain time in your life. But then there are big things which are asinine to compromise over. If one of you is an atheist and the other holds intelligent design seminars it's stupid for you to try to compromise every day of your lives. One partner becomes dominant and the other partner has to keep major parts of their life hidden. That's not compromise. That's two people who resent each other and one is trying to appease the other.

Sure, a lot of relationships fall apart because nobody puts any effort into it. The standard "I don't love you anymore" usually really means "I care a lot more about myself than you." It's a fact that arranged marriages are just as likely to succeed as other marriages because any two reasonable people have a decent change of making things work. But it's a bizarre philosophy to hold up the sanctity of marriage above either of your happiness. If you can list countless examples of things you don't like about each other that you have to constantly compromise about, that's a very bad sign.

I only bring this up because nobody else is. Most people think either that you should count your blessings and continue to let her keep you down or that you should stand up for yourself more and make her more miserable. Neither one of those is a good long-term solution.

I try not to think of what I could've done better in life. I try not to sit around whining about what went wrong and what I would've done differently. I try not to have any regrets. You know, everything is a learning experience and all that nonsense. But when I look back at my life the one regret I can't shake is the amount of time I spent in a bad relationship. I was with a woman for 12 years who was wonderful. She's was (well, is actually) a very caring, very giving, very beautiful person. But the relationship was terrible. I was depressed. She was depressed. It wasn't anything about crossdressing -- that was back when I felt completely damaged because of my gender issues and wouldn't ever tell anyone. But I felt trapped and we both wanted me to act manly and it was terrible. She started to break down and said horrible things about me, told me I was ugly, made fun of my receding hairline, and cheated on me repeatedly. I wish I'd had the strength to end it 10 years sooner. Now I'm with a woman who totally loves me and actually encourages me to be myself. She truly makes me feel beautiful. I'm actually happy because I'm being myself, and she's happy because she loves the real me and thinks she's lucky to have me. I can't believe how low my self-esteem was that I thought I needed to put up with the abuse I got before. And today I'm friends with my ex, but both of us still shake our heads and say, "What were we thinking making each other miserable for so long?"

Just because a relationship seemed good before either of you had any idea who the other actually was inside doesn't necessarily mean there's anything left to salvage after years of it sucking.

I'm not telling you to do anything. I just wanted to relate my feelings. I feel bad, and I hope you're not living in fear of being yourself. I hope you're not like I was -- living in fear of what life would be like without someone who treats you badly. I hope you get the happiness and acceptance and love you deserve.

If I had kids with an unsupportive woman I probably would've stayed in the relationship until they were 18. But would that be justified? Obviously the most important thing is providing a good environment for your children, but kids know when mommy and daddy are miserable even if you try to hide it.



Quote Originally Posted by VeronicaMoonlit View Post
Sometimes, yes, I think. Especially for the transfolk I call "Protos" One way of putting it is that "Protos" are Transsexuals who call themselves crossdressers, not by mindset or nature, but by a choice that they'd have rather not made.
Don't wanna get too OT, and this is likely not something you're going to get a lot of agreement on in the main section, but I agree totally. If I were still trapped in a bad relationship I would probably still be playing the "I'm a crossdresser and I like being a guy" game, even though 100% of the time I'm in guy mode it's a choice I would prefer not to have to make and more because of my own fear.