Exactly. Not all male admirers are creepy, pervy, skeevy and/or scary. I’m also making a distinction between t-girl admirers who are sexually attracted to other t-girls.Originally Posted by ReineD
I'm glad you've posted this, since you're someone who can answer some questions.
I gather you've met men that might be defined as "admirer", meaning they specifically are attracted to CDers, or pre-op TSs, and they weren't the creepy variety (the guys who send pics of their genitals to unsuspecting facebook members.
The two most common meeting places are in a bar, club or similar place, and some form of on-line contact (e.g., chat room, Facebook, Flickr, URNA, etc.). In both cases, my presence is not for the primary purpose of finding someone for a relationship or casual sex, but to socialize, be with friends and enjoy being out. I have met a few admirers through friends, or at a LGBT or transgender specific gathering or event. Only once has a man asked me out (for dinner) in a mainstream location (gas station) who definitely knew I was transgendered (he told me). I have been asked out a few times by other men, but I’m very certain they thought I was a GG since it has only happened when out with one or more of my GG friends. After a while being out in the mainstream, you develop a sense as to whether you’ve been positively read or not. While not perfect, it’s very accurate.
If the initial contact was at a bar or club where t-girls are known to be, it is almost always about sex whether it is by one of the frequently seen, well-known admirers or unknown admirers. Nearly all show no class or style, and some are quite aggressive often requiring some of the more experienced girls to chase them off of a newer girl. There are exceptions, but they are rare. Only once have I been asked out for a dinner date instead wanting to meet up for immediate sex. IMHO, if you are looking for anything besides hooking up, a bar, club, etc. is not the place to be searching or expecting anything different.
If the initial contact was via some form of on-line connection, the expressed desire crosses the entire range. There is something about chat rooms that bring out the worst behavior (e.g., crude, disgusting) and semi-delusional behavior (e.g., willing to travel across to US for a date or re-locate to be closer without knowing more than a tiny bit about me). There is a lot of fantasy and wishful thinking related to the latter since the internet makes many very brave and/or stupid. If you are in a sex or naughty chat room, obviously, it is all about sex. The nicest guys I have met have been via on-line contact. They see one of my profiles somehow and contact me because they are in the area. A few are local, but a number are in the area on business. The end goal is sex (I'm not that naive), but some want companionship more in the form of someone whose company they enjoy. These are the guys I usually end up going out with. I have never met anyone who was only interested in companionship when they initiated the contact.
I have met some on-line who were looking for a LTR and a serious partner. I have never gone out with anyone who I knew or suspected was looking for a serious relationship since it is not what I am looking for. Leading them to think there was any possibility by going out with them would be cruel and taking advantage of the situation. Even after explaining I was not interested in a LTR, some say it is OK, but I know they are hoping to change my mind which is not going to happen. Once any kind of emotional bond gets formed, things can get messy since hurt feelings are bound to happen.
I use a “date me like a GG” process as a screening mechanism for anyone I go out with. This often eliminates 90%+ of those who want to “get to know” me. I make it clear that the first date is a short coffee date or something similar. It is always in a public place, and I can escape after a short time if I feel the need or desire. If the vibe is right then there is a second date a week or more afterwards. Dinner and drinks is typical, and it is nothing more which is also made clear beforehand. By the end of the second date, I get a decent sense of whether I want to go out again and take it beyond just going out.
I have several reasons for insisting on this format. Obviously, one is to make it solely not about sex and that it is understood from the beginning. Another is to weed out all those who are willing, or say they are willing, to travel a substantial distance from assuming there is a guarantee of sex. It is quite effective, and I do not blame them for balking at it. It also eliminates the ones who want to keep everything discreet for whatever reason. I want to go out with someone who is confident enough in themselves to be seen in public with me. Most importantly, but a bit idealistic, is I want to go out with someone who also sees me as a person and not only as a t-girl they are physically attracted to. There is more to me than my physical format, clothes, hair and makeup. I’m totally out in the mainstream and very comfortable with it, and I hope they are too. I’m sensitive to the fear of being seen with a transgendered date so I’m willing to go to places that minimize the possibility of discovery by someone they know. If they want me to meet their friends or interact with others they know, I’m fine with it. This has never happened with me except meeting a few of his friends for a drink or two while we were out.
To directly answer the original question, no, very few admirers exhibit the same dating habits as men who date GGs. The ones that do are usually the ones I’m most interested or attracted to. This means I do not date a lot. They are out there, you have to look in the right places, and be selective and patient. It is really not a whole lot different than dating in the traditional heterosexual world.
From my experiences, all of the men have dated GGs or been married. I suspect some may be married, but I have to accept their word that they are not. My BS detector is usually pretty good, but it is not perfect. One question I always ask during the coffee date is “Why are you interested or attracted to t-girls?” Most give the standard reply of “Women are not feminine enough or care about their appearance anymore” or “Women have too much drama or are too high maintenance”. If taken at face value then it is the feminine person they are attracted to and not the anatomy. My instincts and gut tell me it is something different in most cases. A few have replied with what I feel it the most honest answer which is “I’m just attracted to t-girls”. IMHO, I feel the first set of answers is a cover or rationalization for the later reply. It also skirts around the issue of being gay, bi or whatever in addition to side stepping the unPC desire of wanting women to be soft, sweet, demure, etc, (i.e., traditional, old-school definition of feminine behavior). Part of the reason I feel this way is there are plenty of GGs who are feminine and take pride in their appearance, and are not drama queens. Another part is the behavior or desires of some when alone with me.
Whether the various types of admirers have issues with relating to GGs or previous bad experiences would be speculation on my part. It is not the nicest thing to say, but true based on my observations and experiences, nearly every admirer hanging out at the bars looking for sexual hook ups, are physically unattractive and have glaring personality deficits. Whether repeated failures or frustrations with GGs is what drives them to go after t-girls would also be speculation.
I have heard of a few, but do not personally know anyone where this has happened.
IMHO, the ones who cannot “host” or need to be very discreet are either married, in a relationship or ashamed if anyone they cared about knew they were hooking up with a t-girl. Unfortunately, parts of society would label these men as creepy or pervs for wanting to be with a transgendered person regardless of how attractive or passable they were. Then there are the ones that are just interested in the sex regardless of their relationship status or social stigma issues.
If the CD/TS/TG specific issues are stripped away, many of the issues are similar to those GGs experience in their dating or relationship lives. I have a few good GG friends, and we complain about many of the same things when it comes to men and dating. Some of the dynamics and details differ, but the core issues are essentially the same with a few unique ones on each side.
I apologize for the long response. I hope it provides some answers to your questions.
