This is why I find DADT so frustrating...(a GG perspective)

[ReineD]

... my H has actually been dressing for most of his life, but not very often and even now that we are in the middle of this 'war' he still says he only needs to dress once a week, sometimes only once a month.

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I've pondered everyone's thoughts posted here and have realized that he's probably decided he does need more acceptance from me. But why now? I am not sure.

Because it takes a while for CDers to give themselves permission to stop repressing it. Men are strongly socialized to reject any part of femininity within themselves. If your husband's need to express femininity was not strong, believe me he would still be happy in a DADT arrangement. It is quite common to take some years for the need to surface ... since it is buried deep while young.

Would it be fair to say that CD is a part of the person? It's very hard as a GG to understand how dressing as the opposite gender can be a 'part' of someone, but I'm really trying.

Yes, it is a part of who he is.

If it is a part of my H, then I can sort of understand why he would need validation of this part. I just wish I wasn't to repelled by the whole thing. Someone here was very correct when they mentioned socialization and upbringing. At no point was I taught of crossdressing or even knew men did such a thing! Men are men and women and women and everything else is seen on stage. lol

Right. You will need to learn to look at gender differently than we've been taught and I agree, it isn't easy. And yes, it is repulsive to many GGs to see their husbands in dresses. But this is because of a lack of exposure to anyone who is gender non-conforming, as you point out. We humans are always more comfortable with the things that we are familiar with.

Your husband is the same person you fell in love with and this will not change. He still wants to be your husband. You may not want to read this just yet, but I've seen it happen time and time again here ... if a wife determines that the CDing is not some "weird" fetish thing that threatens to take her husband's affection away from her, she can learn to actually stop seeing the clothes as "changing" who her husband is, in other words, she will cease to believe that the clothes are turning him into someone he is not.

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He really is a good husband otherwise and on an intellectual level I know he didn't choose this path. But neither did I, and often times I think of all the other paths I would rather walk down and all the other things I'd rather think about/do with my H. I understand this is something he MUST do, but it's infinitely sad to me that we are at such odds with the things we like to do together. Crossdressing is definitely an enigma.

Yes it is an enigma. I tried to understand my SO's and other member's motives for years, and just when I think I get it, someone will say something that shows me that I don't get it at all. lol. So now I just accept that my SO has a need that I do not understand. As to not wanting this in your life, when you think of it, many of us have things that we do not want in our lives but that we finds ways to cope with when they present themselves, anything from the loss of jobs, to a child born with a disability, to a son being gay, to the house burning down. I hate to compare the CDing with all these things that many people believe to be negative, but I'm just saying that people do cope with the way that their lives unfold.

Another important consideration is for both you and your husband to be on the same page as to who should know about this and who shouldn't. Most of the time, (unless a husband is TS and needs to live full or near full time), CDers are quite happy to not have coworkers/family/friends know. The reality is that much of the world does not understand the CDing, and unless a person is entirely self-sufficient (own business with clients in other towns for example), there is a risk of some loss when people do know.

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But back to the DADT and my H pushing CD on me, I have decided to sit him down and have a straight conversation with him as this can't carry on. Talking here has made me realize that he probably isn't doing this to intentionally hurt me and that he likely just wants me to acknowledge this part of him exists. But he also needs to BACK OFF and let me deal in my time. This is going way too fast.

The bold is my emphasis.

This is the BEST possible attitude that you can have, and yes he is going way too fast!

OK first let's separate the pink-foggish things you described earlier ... if your husband sincerely is pushing you to "have fun" putting on his makeup or painting his nails, taking pics, having dress up nights as you both giggle into oblivion, he's got to change his attitude. This is not at all realistic when it comes to participation from a reluctant wife and as you pointed out, these are not things that women past their teenage years do.

BUT, if he is asking you to sit with him while he's dressed to talk about the regular things the two of you talk about, in other words, your permission that he can just "be" himself in your presence occasionally (at least for as long as it takes for him to trust that you do not outright reject him), then he will be well served to go about this at YOUR pace, just like you said. If you feel pushed and backed into a corner, this will not help at all.

If he cannot understand your position, I'm afraid there is a risk that the two of you will turn this into a power struggle, a sort of two-sided, push/pull where he is adamant that he is entitled to be who he is, and you are adamant that you are entitled to your feelings against it, with no possibility of open-mindedness and compromise on either part. This sort of scenario is a no-win for each one of you.

The two of you must never lose sight of each other and your respective needs, or the importance of maintaining the health of your relationship, and if you keep THIS in the forefront of your minds, it will make the give and take and the compromises between you all that much easier.

And I'm glad that you actually said "in my time". This means that you are not closing the door on this entirely, and so there is hope that eventually, in your time, your husband will not feel as if he must continue to keep a part of who he is from you.

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I do have one question: given what I have read here and how addictive CD seems to be for many men, will any further tolerance on my part cause my H to escalate his dressing? I don't think I could handle that, but it's a big fear. I also don't want to be seen as a control freak who refuses to learn or understand because of a fear of escalation, but I really do worry that he might fall further into this 'pink fog' you all talk of.

Yes, there is a likelihood that as your acceptance grows, your husband will want to take it out of your home and go to a TG support group for example. And this will mean making cosmetic changes to his appearance so that he doesn't look like a guy in a dress when he goes out. But keep in mind (although you may not be ready to see this) that by the time he is ready to do this, it may not be a stretch for you either. So my best advice is to take it once step at a time and always be cognizant of one another's head space (without getting into power struggles).

Also, please know that many CDers do have the desire to go out (my SO does) and this does not mean they are turning into women or they want to sleep with men. You might want to read my second paragraph in my post #20, if you are interested in knowing what the CDing looks like with my SO and I. And allow me to emphasize, my SO rarely, RARELY dresses at home any more. He just doesn't need to. He knows that he has no constraints on his freedom and this makes a huge difference.

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And in response to the question about whether my H looking really good as a woman would have made me feel better and even possibly turned me on? Hell no! lol. I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to all things masculine - the smell, the look, the texture of a man.

The turn-on part, I'm afraid is a rather common CD fantasy. But, it comes from a desire to want this part of themselves to be accepted by their wives. Also, many (most?) CDers believe themselves to be quite unattractive as men.

No, I didn't' sign up for this as I didn't know for the first 9 years! And I have told my H this exact thing - that he should have married a bisexual girl during one of our more volatile conversations and honestly, I think he honestly believes all women ARE bisexual. It's just so hard for him to comprehend that someone might not like femininty. It's conversations like this that have driven me here. I now see this is inappropriate and uncommon behavior for most CD men and I will be letting him know this!

Oh believe me, being bisexual is not a guarantee for acceptance. I have a female friend who is bi. She told me once that she likes her men to be men, and her women to be women. A flexible sexual attraction CAN make a difference when it comes to accepting a CDer in the bedroom, but only IF a person is accepting of non-conforming gender to begin with. The two are actually not related.

And he really does need to stop projecting his love of femininity onto you and everyone else, although judging by some of the threads I've read here, it is rather common to do this. I don't get it either.