This is why I find DADT so frustrating...(a GG perspective)

[Meghan]

OK first let's separate the pink-foggish things you described earlier ... if your husband sincerely is pushing you to "have fun" putting on his makeup or painting his nails, taking pics, having dress up nights as you both giggle into oblivion, he's got to change his attitude. This is not at all realistic when it comes to participation from a reluctant wife and as you pointed out, these are not things that women past their teenage years do.

While I 100% agree that this is not something a reluctant wife is willing to put up with, is it possible the dressup/take pictures/stay up late/slumber party phase is just that? A phase? After burying things for so long, I personally believe it to be a way to learn the skills that women have (and teens don't). If my theory is correct, the "female" identity essentially gets put into a deepfreeze around puberty (or when sufficient negative influence makes it harder to keep going, it's easier psychologically to repress it). I think it sits, in a dormant state until the cat is out of the bag.

As soon as "she" is back in the world again (and out of the back of the brain), she wants to develop and grow and catch up to the rest of the world. I think this explains the mad obsession with playing dressup and perhaps the pink fog. Like all life, the female side wants to not just survive but flourish. It can't automatically catch up because it hasn't been socialized past age 10 or 11. I think it's asking a lot to expect it to just be mature. IMPOSING this side on friends, partners, spouses and kids is not acceptable though. Everyone in the support system needs time to adapt and learn, not just "her". People need time to decide if they want to stay in or "opt out" too.

BUT, if he is asking you to sit with him while he's dressed to talk about the regular things the two of you talk about, in other words, your permission that he can just "be" himself in your presence occasionally (at least for as long as it takes for him to trust that you do not outright reject him), then he will be well served to go about this at YOUR pace, just like you said. If you feel pushed and backed into a corner, this will not help at all.

I think we all can get there with time. I think it's totally unfair of H to push it and impose the rules of engagement though. I think both need to work out a plan to maturity which respects boundaries and trust.

Also, please know that many CDers do have the desire to go out (my SO does) and this does not mean they are turning into women or they want to sleep with men. You might want to read my second paragraph in my post #20, if you are interested in knowing what the CDing looks like with my SO and I. And allow me to emphasize, my SO rarely, RARELY dresses at home any more. He just doesn't need to. He knows that he has no constraints on his freedom and this makes a huge difference.

I believe your husband has evolved over time and learned along the way, from you and your help and support. I bet he's supported you some, too, during this process.

But, it comes from a desire to want this part of themselves to be accepted by their wives. Also, many (most?) CDers believe themselves to be quite unattractive as men.

This has always been true for me. Put on makeup and looked in the mirror when I was 10 or 11-ish, that's the first time I every thought of myself as attractive. GREAT POINT!!!

This is a fascinating discussion. Thank you both for sharing it with us.

Meghan