The elephant in MY room is starting to make some noise

[ReineD]

I am too but Reine has been here for me, posing some challenging thoughts (including her most recent ones, quite the zingers that I will need to respond to as well).

I'm sorry, Sara. My comments were not meant to zing. I had gotten the impression that you felt uncomfortable living as a man and are choosing a course of action in order to make your wife happy, which although initially may appear as the right thing to do, does not seem as if it would be satisfactory for either you or your wife in the long run. This describes a situation where your exterior actions don't match your inner reality and in my own, personal experience (not related to gender), this is an unbearable way to live. I was trying to understand how it is possible to compromise oneself like this in the long term.

My choice is rooted in the fact that I have found fulfillment in the male side of my life (my family being the most important aspect of this), just as I have found a different kind of fulfillment as a female. I am not TS in a classic sense that I grew up with absolute hatred of my body.

Am I pining to transition? No, I don't think I am. Is the thought on my mind often? You bet. But so is the thought of staying on this path of mine. There is a difference between coping and pining which is part of the reason I enjoy writing about all of this, because it is a coping mechanism.

Is such an existence fair to my wife and family? It seems to beat the alternative from all points of view. The best thing I can do is NOT to let any darkness enter my soul which can be detected by my family. Sometimes easier said than done.

Is this fair to me? Because I am able to find fulfillment in the guy side of my life, then yes, it's fair. Is sacrifice involved? Absolutely.

OK, fair enough. I misunderstood, based on your statement that you have an insatiable desire to be female. If you find peace and joy in both your gender expressions because this is who you feel you are, then I agree that the middle path is absolutely the best available option. It is also the path that my own SO has chosen, which s/he chose long before s/he met me.

Thank you for your patient and considerate responses.