Trying to understand behavior

[ReineD]

Imagine this...your wife has a secret. Your underwear starts disapearing. So do your stockings. One day, she drops a bomb on you. It's something you can't even begin to understand. She needs you to tho, it's "who she is". She needs an entirely new wardrobe, is shopping like crazy -12 of everything isn't enough, it takes over your life. She has to do it, she needs to express herself. And you need to accept an entirely new personality. She splits apart in front of you and can't even explain to you what she's going thru or why or how it feels...nothing. On top of that, your social life completely changes, you spend evenings in because she can't leave the house and express herself the way she needs to. it's now your secret too. This new person is moody, touchy, confused and probably needs therapy. There's not alot you can do to help. She expects you to understand and accept this new alter ego. You begin questioning her sexuality, your own and you have no idea where this may lead. How many men...or women...are wired to accept something like that. I don't think many men would be very accepting at all. I don't know why it's not a problem for me, why I haven't flinched, we are all different but it's alot to ask another person to accept at face value.

I know it is hard to adjust to a CDing relationship, both for the CD and the GG. But, it would be hard to adjust to any situation out of the norm. Think of a spouse developing clinical depression. Or MS. Or having experienced the death of a child, one of the partners can no longer function. Or say you become a paraplegic after an accident. Or there is a torrid affair with someone else. There are many situations that can make relationships difficult.

I don't know what it is that enables couples to get through life's challenges together and survive. But some do. They get through it and reap the rewards later. Or they cannot and they split up. I think it has to do with the amount of love and commitment there is in a relationship and having the ability to communicate and compromise.

If the relationship is unbearable for you, then you need to walk away. If you believe your love to be strong enough to try to make it work, then it might be best to try different tactics than you have already. Either way, it is your choice. You cannot "make" him be the person you want him to be, and vice-versa. Like it or not, the CDing is at whatever point it is in his life and he needs to resolve his issues at his own pace. Explaining things to him calmly as I've suggested before is really the only way, and then leave it at that. Do not engage with him if he accuses you of believing that he is sick and he "needs support".

He either is as difficult to talk to as you describe, or the two of you are communicating on entirely different planes. We cannot tell you what to do, or how to "fix" him, or if he should tell his side, how he could "fix" you. But the anger you feel, although very real and understandable, will not help the two of you move beyond this.

You need to decide, Kelly, whether staying in this relationship is what you really want. And if you do want to make it work, well, we all know it is not easy .... lol. You don't need to convince us. But do go back, take one or two of the suggestions you've received, and try them out. And try to keep your cool. I hope you can make things work.


Last thought ... if he is not ready to share the CDing with you as much as you would like him to, then why not just wait until he can? I'm assuming you live the bulk of your lives together while he is in guy mode?