Trying to understand behavior

[ReineD]

Kelly,

You've said many things I'd like to address. I hope you don't mind the long post. If my advice seems harsh, it is not intended to make you feel uncomfortable, but to try to point you to a different way of thinking. When I first began seeing my BF, not knowing how to be in a relationship with a CD seemed like such a huge issue, since I had never been in a situation like this. It was difficult for me to separate the CDing from the non-CDing issues, and this was the primary reason I joined this forum.

Is it possible to ever be comfortable with anyone if you are dealing with constant guilt and shame?

It takes time. Lots of non-CDs deal with guilt or shame over past events, or other issues .. like jealousy, or depression. Life is cyclical and it does require an SO to be patient, as long as the one who experiences the issue recognizes he or she needs to work on it. You never know if one day you might be the one with a difficult issue to deal with and you will want him to be there to support you.

You can let him know that you understand how difficult it is for him to talk about this, since you know he's had to keep it to himself all his life, but it is hard for you when he doesn't let you in. Gently ask him to work on this, and tell him you will do your best to continue to be supportive in any way he wants you to be.

I asked him what makes him want to dress, which I did last night. His answer: a very uncomfortable "dunno, it's just clothes". And when I tried to push it farther he completely shut down. Don't know where to go from here.

Go back and read the last paragraph of post #36 for suggestions!

Now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to protect his fragile side. Which doesn't seem fair, but at the same time I wish I could take all of that away and certainly don't want to make it worse.

You do not need to walk on eggshells. Just accept where he is with the CDing at the moment, and don't try to rush a resolution. The best you can do is to be there when he wants to talk about it, but otherwise, step back and just enjoy her company.

But if something non CD realted is bothering me is it better to wait until he's in boy mode and therefore more comfortable with himself before we deal with it? I know that if I have to tiptoe around for months or years until he feels comfortable with himself I will more than likely really resent it.

Unless he dresses far more often than he is in guy mode, then yes I would wait until he is no longer dressed if something unpleasant comes up that needs to be discussed. Certainly anything to do with the CDing. Think of it this way: if you and he (in guy mode) had looked forward for weeks to celebrate an anniversary at an exclusive restaurant, and something came up during dinner, wouldn't you let it slide and reserve the discussion until later?

Having said that, once my BF and I were at a GLBT club while dressed, and something happened to upset me. I excused myself and took a walk outside to center myself again, and came back in when my head was clear. We discussed the issue the next day. I've discussed things at the moment in the past, and believe me, the results were much better when I waited. Not so much for him, but for me, since I was calmer.

Lol. It gets easier. Last weekend we went to a burlesque show dressed. He knew that a stripper he had dated a few times some years ago had organized the show, but it turned out that she was also starring in it, with her long blonde hair and perfect body. (Probably implants!) :p She did a hot, steamy number with another woman. They sensuously spread wet, milky paint all over their naked bodies with their hands and washed it off again very slowly, also using their tongues and arching their backs. You could almost hear the hard breathing of every man around us. :rolleyes: I nearly walked out, but I took a deep breath and took it in stride. I was very relieved when the number was over with. We talked it over afterwards and everything was fine.

Getting back to you, another suggestion might be to tell him you feel upset about something and it cannot wait, so ask him if he would like to change first before you discuss it together.

I accept her, have shopped for her, have done her make-up, have run all over London searching for the right wigs, shoes, etc...which I would never even do for myself, too much bother. So...here she is, everythings complicated and I'm running around like a mad woman trying to make sure she has what she needs. This is supposed to be a good thing but it just gets more and more complex.

Kelly, you need to stop doing this. You are not responsible for her CDing. And you will wear yourself ragged. This is no fun for anyone, not even your BF. Let him take the lead. You can suggest things, but let her or him decide. Once in a while, for a nice surprise, you can bring home a small gift, but the rest is entirely up to him.

...
In fact, as PaulaJane says, you may even be exacerbating his retreat into himself. Not ever having had any acceptance, he may be finding yours almost unbelievable. And, oddly, that's kinda scary, too.

So there must be another way...

He may also feel rushed to be who he is not ready to be right now, just to make you happy. This is not unheard of. Take a back seat to it, Kelly, and just turn the matter back into his hands.

It hurts to see someone you love going thru something neither one of you understand. It's horrible to see it..or anything..as a curse you are forced to live with.

Yes, but that's life. None of us can live other people's pain. Do you have children? As parents we realize the best we can do is be supportive, be there if they need us, but let them fly on their own and make their own mistakes. This applies to everyone ... siblings, partners, friends. The trick is to learn to be OK when life isn't perfect, because we have no other choice. We cannot fix things for everyone. And we wouldn't expect others to take care of our issues either. Try to look at the CDing as a journey that the two of you are embarking upon together, and try to be OK with not knowing and letting go of the outcomes.

Not a chance in the world at this point. I mentioned this forum and maybe talking to other people in his position which was immediately met with "so, you're saying there's something wrong with me!" and no matter how gently I try to re-approach the subject I'm immediately shot down.

The answer is simple: "Not at all .. I just thought you might enjoy talking to people who are quite happy with the CDing. But, it is entirely up to you, I'm happy with whatever you decide."