Trying to understand behavior

[KellyV GG]

Kelly,

My guess is that all you can do now is try to open the lines of communication without pushing him away.

The ball is in his court. If he can't find a way to reach out to you, you may have to reconsider the relationship.
I'd give it more time.

Also a tip a therapist told me once (and assuming that he has no substance abuse history).....get him tipsy over a bottle of wine or drinks, while you stay relatively sober. Now gently probe him over these issues, and you might see some interesting information come forth. It's worth a try.

Good luck,
Chris

Thanks Chris...I might just try that. But in do I do it when he's in girl or boy mode? I'm not even close to reconsidering this relationship. I know that I need patience...that's hard tho.

One good thing...we were in a neighborhood in London yesterday we have never been to before. There were some funky little shops and in one of them were 3 CD'ers, not even close to passing but looking really good, shopping away and having a great time. So I said see....it's not that strange at all. Perfect timing for that to happen. And then we got him several skirts. And he did talk to me a little bit last night while in boy mode. So guess I'm gonna have to be happy with little bits as they come out.

Like it or not, the CDing is at whatever point it is in his life and he needs to resolve his issues at his own pace. Explaining things to him calmly as I've suggested before is really the only way, and then leave it at that. Do not engage with him if he accuses you of believing that he is sick and he "needs support".

You're right...it's just that I think I have been wonderful, therefore I deserve to know exactly what point the CDing is at in his life. And I know...maybe he doesn't know himself. It will be a long time before I suggest anything that puts him in a place to accuse me of believing he's sick or needs support. That's frustrating ecspecially when I know how much just this forum would help him.

But the anger you feel, although very real and understandable, will not help the two of you move beyond this.

I don't think I'm angry....definately very frustrated. OK and maybe a bit resentful because I think that if you're going to be in a relationship and you're lucky enough to have an understanding, non-judgemental partner then whta's the problem?

Last thought ... if he is not ready to share the CDing with you as much as you would like him to, then why not just wait until he can? I'm assuming you live the bulk of your lives together while he is in guy mode?

Although he's is guy mode way more than girl mode...the shopping, etc...well, you all know....it's always right there so he might as well be dressed all of the time. Don't want to wait, but it's the best nd only thing I can do, I guess....thanks for that.

It's NOT the dressing that's the problem.

-Misty

Ooo... this just occured to me. Using the dressing as a scapegoat for anything and everything is the easy way out of anything and everything....isn't it? Hmmmm...

Kelly,
I may not have been very clear. What I meant was I dont blame SO's (you) when you can't accept us (cders). Sorry about the confusion. Believe me, I'm on your side.

Sorry..I know you are. Just had a little rant that needed to come out, I guess.

I wouldn't have any idea how to start making this better, and I AM a crossdresser!

Yikes...

when he's dressed he feels very feminine, So his emotions are right there. We men are taught to NOT get emotional and be manly. When he's dressed and you argue , He does not know how to handle the feeling and the raw emotion SHE is now having.
Men and women have such a different way of dealing with there emotions that it can seam weired , but you just have to think , "my bf is dealing with two fully different sets of emotions that her/his feeling might confuse her/him. asked.

Christina....thank you for the wonderful post. I so appreciate your willingness to share all of that. Very helpful, thanks again. The split emotions are something I hadn't considered before posting here. And I can't say I understand but maybe it's one of those things where you just can't walk in someone else's shoes (in this case heels...) So..is it like having a split emotional life inside of you, as opposed to an alter ego or secondary...or primary or equal, whatever...personality? And do I have to live with 2 emotional personalities that react and process things in very or completely different manners? Can you ever just integrate it all and get to a healthy emotional place or do you have to pick a side...or let the side pick you, I guess...

I've been dealing with guilt ever since I started dressing about 10 years ago. I was over 50, and had never even THOT of trying on ladies things! That has happened to others here, too! So, it COULD have happened to your BF!

How can that be??? It seriously just popped up out of nowhere? Which is what he claims (he/she is 41). But....the first time I watched him put on stockings...well, seemed a little too natural to him. Ha....as I write this I just got a text that the 3 pairs of new shoes and skirt and blouse he ordered from New Look just arrived...oh my.... Anyway...how does that happen? Do you think you repressed it for 50 years or what/how/why???

There is a certain "mood" that makes for a successful crossdressing experience.

This is what really bugs me...that I have to take the mood into consideration or god forbid unintentionally say or do something that will spoil the "mood". His/her mood... I do ubnderstand what everyone has said and how complicated it really is, but it makes me want to do something like wear a green hat, or something...no one is allowed to upset me when I'm wearing my green hat because there's a certain mood that goes along with wearing my hat and as along as it's on please do not upset me. Alright that sounds immature, bratty and over simplified, but....I don't know.

Thank you all, really. I can't even imagine how I would be dealing with this if I hadn't found all of you wonderful people....xxx Kelly xxx